For those of you still hiding out underneath your comforters, emerge and rejoice! For it is National Man Day today and what holiday could be better? I can hear you now, “But, I’m not a man…how could I possibly celebrate this wondrous yet highly sexist holiday?” Just use the following as a guide for your behavior today and no one will notice your lack of penis.
Find Pointy Objects – If it is sharp, dangerous, shiny, and/or pointy, go play with it. Poke your friends, have pseudo-lightsaber fights, etc. The more dangerous the object, the more fun you can potentially have with it.
Enjoy a Short Attention Span – The only thing that you should be doing for longer than 5 mins is going to the bathroom or watching TV (sports and action movies only, of course).
Don’t Call People – If you are dating someone, don’t call them. Wait for them to call you and possibly send a text tomorrow or the next day. You know, whatevs. You may, however, take some calls from your friends but you should communicate mostly in grunts and keep all conversations under 13 seconds.
Make Things Explode – Take a chair from your living room, some gas from the garage, and a match. Combine the three ingredients. Watch the results with a bunch of friends, a case of PBR, and substantially less facial/arm hair.
Quote Bad Movies/Simpsons episodes – No need to think, just respond to everything with some random and obscure quote from a really bad movie or 6-year-old episode of The Simpsons. People will think you’re really funny.
Eat…Everything – Seriously. Everything in your fridge, your cupboards, or anywhere else in your house that you can find food (that slice of pizza under your bed? Done deal) is fair game. Extra points if you eat mostly red meat or horrible take-out food (massive amounts of Taco Bell, anybody?).
Perpetrate Random Acts of Violence – I’m not talking about going out and shanking your neighbor, but punching everyone you see in the arm as a friendly “Hello” would work just fine. Also, random and totally not homosexual wrestling matches will be acceptable.
Go Hygiene Optional – You have full permission to roll out of bed, throw on that sweatshirt and those jeans that are on your floor and call it good for the day. After all, you’ll just be sitting around watching TV with your hand down your pants – that is, when you’re not grabbing food or blowing things up with your friends.
Think About Sex. All Day. Without Fail. If you’re eating lunch, think about eating a sandwich while having sex. If you are driving, think about having sex while driving. If you are hanging out with your mom and grandma, try really hard not to think about having sex with older women, fail, then just think about sex with Paris Hilton to block out the image that just came to your mind.
Good luck, ladies. I have already gotten a good start on National Man Day by getting drunk and picking fights with substantially larger men who get in my way. I also may or may not be looking at pictures of girls with big boobs at the moment. It’s good to be a guy.