Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: July Edition

Chocolate Jesus Fo' Shizzle says:
Tue, 16th Jun 200911:43 am 

Walk into the light, ye my people, for the truth is coming! The Lord your Chocolate Jesus is gonna turn you on to what is real. Ladies and germs,

The trouble with men and the trouble with you women are one and the same:

INDUSTRIAL SEX

That, my congregationers, is what the media has come to lead you to expect in the bedroom. It is as fictional as Pac-Man or Elle Woods, Attorney at Law, and yet you still believe in this false prophet that will take you to orgasmic heaven. Let us not be led, however, into temptation by the great satan of INDUSTRIAL SEX.

Industrial sex is what “The System,” “The Game,” “Double Your Dating,” porno, Cosmo, Sex and the City, what passes for hip-hop on Top 40 radio today, and the whole spirit of “sex sells” in the media promotes as sex.

Ask yourselves, my disciples in the Lord of Sex, whether you want a “lover” or a porn-star. My flock,

YOU ARE BEING MISLED INTO BELIEVING THAT A LOVER AND A PORN STAR ARE ONE AND THE SAME.

When women ask why men look at so much porn when the distaff sex lives so easily without it, they are reflecting confusion as to the diffusion of the pornographic mentality in popular culture. Women our age, in this millennial generation, are just as much affected by the pornographic attitude to sex as men; they just are affected indirectly through a cheapening of sex in their glossy magazines, their glossy TV shows, their glossy movies, and their glossy music. That’s how it works, ladies.

These men that follow “The Game” embody one key characteristic of the porno star, the kind of man that Cosmo, etc., tells you ladies to literally bend over backwards to please: complete incommunicability.

Let’s face it: American lifestyles are all about convenience, and what’s easy is usually what’s convenient. The “stud” who never asks his woman what she wants inside or outside of the bedroom is the perfect man for industrial sex; he’s not so much a man as a “sex machine,” as James Brown put it. He’s there to give you a quick and easy orgasm, which can be replaced by any other one, just like the dime-a-dozen products you’re constantly being conditioned to grab off the shelves. No muss, no fuss, no work, just quick and dirty sex: hooking up, as we now call it.

Hooking up is more quick and convenient than making love, my ewe-lambs, but it isn’t as satisfying or sexy as making love. The things that you are led by your precious magazines to believe are important, like how long a guy lasts his first time with you or how many positions he can fuck you in, are not giving you good sex. You may think that what you settle for is good enough, but you are wrong.

The good news is, you can solve the problem, ladies. Practice what you preach and talk to your man about what you really want and enjoy in bed. If he negotiates with you, great. If he just says, “my way or the highway,” you both have made a serious mistake getting together, partly because of the cheap, industrial sex you’ve been trying to have. It’s not enough to just fondle each other blindly and give each other sexy looks. You have to talk to each other. You’re not just animals; you’re the only animals on the planet that can talk to each other and that is why we human beings have the longest, most satisfying sex in the animal kingdom.

The guy who just muscles his way in and doesn’t ask you what turns you on isn’t going to give you sex that’s worth the hassle trying to get along with him. That’s something Cosmo and “the Game” don’t teach people, but it’s something you need to know. You have to talk to each other to have great sex. It’s a two-way street. If you ladies don’t tell your sex partner what you want, you are not trusting him to “be a man”; you are settling for whatever you get.

If you’ve ever wondered why you’ve had so many bad experiences with players who laid you and didn’t call back, it’s probably because he wasn’t man enough to talk about sex with you and/or you weren’t open enough to talk about it with him; he just wanted to lay you and leave you, not giving a damn how great a time you had. It’s all about him.

By the same token, if you’ve ever wondered why you had one or more bad experiences with a virgin guy or a guy who otherwise didn’t last long his first time with you, leading you to reject him right off the bat or to feel awkward with him, you’re dealing with the same problem: you didn’t want to talk over his first time in a constructive way and/or he was afraid he wouldn’t be man enough if he talked about it with you.

By now, my point should be clear: a guy who talks to you and asks you what you think is not a “needy wimp” who will fail in the bedroom. He is your ticket to the best sex of your life if you tell him what gets you off as well as what’s on your mind. If you don’t, then you’re the one who isn’t doing your part to make real chemistry happen because he’s making an effort and so should you, instead of just trying to see what kind of things you memorized in Cosmo that they say will “drive him wild.” If you want him to explode that quickly, then don’t expect him to last that long, for god’s sake.

Anyway, I, Chocolate Jesus fo’ shizzle, am tired of having conversations with you ladies ’till I’m blue in the face and having you see me as just the “dorky friend.” I’d talk about sex with you if you didn’t act like it’s some kind of privilege I’m not entitled to. Sexual harassment laws don’t punish women and men equally, so it’s up to you. I don’t make my college enough ticket sales to get away with breaking its policies, so don’t blame me if I don’t “make the first move.” When I listen to you while talking, that’s my legit way of saying I’ll do what you want again if you like it: that is the mark of a stud, not that of a dud.

When you figure that out, stop reading your Cosmos and picking out the next Mandroid(TM) who you can get in your stupid positions on and have the same old boring sex with, go out into the real world, flirt with one of your “friends” (since friends with benefits are kind of in, in case you haven’t noticed) or make a real guy friend if you don’t have one already, talk through what you wanna do, and start having great sex in the real world instead of choosing between perfect fantasies and lousy real-world imitations of them. Get real with your BFF/new BF and realize that you’re not “ruining the friendship”; you’re just taking it to another level in a way that’s perfectly natural for civilized human beings. Even the Kama Sutra, as misguided as its technical attitude towards doing the do is, couldn’t have been made by a group of people who didn’t talk about sex before getting horizontal.

Until I find one of you who’s come to your senses about sex, I’m gonna enjoy the friendship of those of you that offer it to me and get me a Fleshlight. I will fuck the shit out of that artificial vagina while looking at softcore nudity, not the hardcore porn that fucks your brain up, and I will learn to be the best Fleshlight-fucker on the planet, because, you know what? I will get a better lay out of that device than I will get out of a woman that won’t talk to me about what she wants in bed and would rather find a “fantasy man” to play out somebody else’s storebought, assembly-line, TV-dinner, Cosmo-Guhlfriend industrial-size fantasy with. You would be boring in bed and I deserve better, and the saddest part is, so do you. Everybody deserves great sex, and everyone could get it if we talked to each other instead of trying to trick each other.

When you’re ready to be an honest woman and you’re looking for a real man that wants to know how to satisfy you, because you know you’ll feel good satisfying a man like that, I will be ready at the above e-mail address and,

I, CHOCOLATE JESUS WILL ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE, AND GIVE YOU THE LOVIN’ YOU DESERVE!!!!!!!!