Bad Advice Men Get: Inside The Female Mind

This week’s article: What the Woman in Your Life is Really Thinking

By Kelly

This week’s piece of craptastic man advice is different than most as it is written from the perspective of a woman detailing exactly what goes through her mind at important relationship moments. An extremely simpleminded, calorie-obsessed, insecure woman, that is.

This article makes all women seem like completely superficial idiots. The introduction to the article – “Every woman reacts differently, but my account here will scare the bejeezus out of you by coming pretty damn close to what your wife or girlfriend was thinking at various points in the arc of your relationship. Psychologists are standing by to help you understand—and deal with—us women” – gives me some hope that it was written as a joke, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be taken seriously by the men who read it.

Relationship Milestone #1: The Night You Met

What we’re supposedly thinking: “Are you actually hot, or have I just made that up so I won’t get bored and eat all this bread, which is awesome?”
Are You Kidding? OMG! I ALWAYS pretend men are hot to keep from consuming extra carbs!! And there is nothing that makes me crave a basket of bread more than an ugly guy.

What we’re supposedly thinking: “You looked away. I didn’t like you anyway. I’m bored. I want more bread.”
Are You Kidding? Again with the bread. Couldn’t the author at least pick something more interesting, like cheese dip or spinach puffs or mini pigs-in-a-blankets? I mean, when I’m upset or rejected, bread isn’t the first thing I turn to…

What we’re supposedly thinking: “I wonder if your friend’s girlfriend is going to be, like, a pain if I don’t ask her to be in our wedding?”
Are You Kidding? Of course, we women folk start planning the wedding the second we meet any potential mate, including but not limited to: the guy in line at the coffee shop, the guy behind the counter at the coffee shop, our boss, his teenage son, and that friendly lesbian from the gym.

Relationship Milestone #2: The First Time You Picked Her Up

What we’re supposedly thinking: “You’re 5 minutes late. I look like a total slut. Where are you? You’re 10 minutes late. I’m totally going to be a single mom.”
Are You Kidding? Because it is impossible for a women to look sexy without being a slut, and because, of coarse, our primary goal in life is to have babies and we absolutely can not do it alone.

What we’re supposedly thinking: “When I disappear briefly to get my jacket, I think I’ll take off my underwear so I don’t have panty lines. But I’d better put them in my bag in case you take me to a place that sells wings or jalapeño poppers. I’m classier than that, can’t you tell? I’m already mad at you, imagining you taking me to a place like that.”
Are You Kidding? Everyone knows what completely irrational creatures women are, so of course we would be made at you for something we imagined you might possibly do.

Relationship Milestone #3: On Your First Date

What we’re supposedly thinking: “Wait a minute: You like the hostess! It was dark when we met. Did you remember me as younger, or blonder, or thinner? Like the hostess? I was lying when I thought I didn’t want you to look at my breasts. Stop reviewing the wine list and look at them! I don’t like you anyway.” Are You Kidding? Because women can never be young enough, blonde enough, or thin enough. And whenever I feel insecure, I’m screaming inside, “LOOK AT MY BREASTS TO VALIDATE ME, DAMMIT!”

What we’re supposedly thinking: “We’re such a good couple. It’s totally cool if your friend’s dumb girlfriend wants to be in the wedding. But she can’t be a bridesmaid. She can do the guestbook or something.”
You Kidding? First dates are prime time to hammer out the little details of the wedding.

Relationship Milestone #4: The First Time You Kissed

What We’re Supposedly Thinking: “Maybe you just don’t even like me. I am making this really easy, dude. My toes are now touching your leg. Did you watch me walk to the kitchen and decide my ass is too fat and now you’re trying to think of an excuse to leave?”
You Kidding? Boys never, ever kiss girls with fat asses. Especially asses that grow magically on a walk to the kitchen.

Relationship Milestone #5: Your First Time In Bed

What We’re Supposedly Thinking: “I am so glad I didn’t eat any carbs or sugar for 3 days. My stomach is so flat! I like looking down at it while you’re on top of me. It’s so weird that I’m always thinking about getting married.”
You Kidding? I can’t even joke about this, it is so stereotypical and disgusting.

And there you have it, ladies; apparently every single thought we have in relationships revolves around feeling fat, not wanting to be a single mother, and jewelry. Who cares about common interests, similar goals, compatible lifestyles and beliefs? If he can distract you from that uber-yummy bread, he’s a keeper.

Do you guys know of any bad advice articles that you want to see critiqued by College Candy? Let us know in the comments!