Hands Off My Closet, Dude

I love dudes.  Straight up, dudes are amazing with their tallness and deep voices and facial hair and whatnot.  I even like their ability to eat astounding amounts of food and their random, dorky humor.  There are so many awesome things about guys that girls in general just don’t have.

However, there are some things that girls have that guys should just stay away from.  These things mostly exist in the realm of fashion (and make-up, but we won’t go there because dudes should not wear make-up, period.  We’re talking to you, Adam Lambert).  Here is the list of the most heinous fashion crimes committed by the male population:

Super Skinny Jeans

Some dudes have fabulous legs, don’t get me wrong, but I’d rather see them tanning under a pair of board shorts at the beach than outlined in super tight, stretchy denim.  Oh, and guess what?  Your junk doesn’t look so hot when it’s squeezed to one side of a pair of low-riding jeans that you probably stole from my dirty laundry basket.

Murses

Do guys really need to carry that much stuff around?  Dudes should have a wallet, a phone, and some keys (preferably to an amazing apartment and a hot car, but I digress).  That’s it.  If you have anything else, then it better be schoolbooks or gym clothes, in which case you can get a messenger bag.  A MANLY messenger bag.

Manpris

Guys may think they look European and stylish, but they really just look like they stole my mother’s pants by mistake for the walk of shame home on a Sunday morning.  Capris are barely acceptable for women, so men should definitely not embrace the manpri trend.  Guess what – you look stocky, short and ridiculous in them, too.

Male Gladiator Sandals

WHAT!  Men are trying to steal this glorious trend away from us??  I have so many issues with this.  First and foremost, dudes have ugly feet.  No joking, as much as I love dudes, I can’t stand their feet.  I definitely do not want to see those hairy, unwashed monsters in a pair of strappy gladiators.  Don’t even think about getting a pedicure and using that as an excuse to wear them, either (…again, I suspect Adam Lambert).

Male Headbands

Dude. WTF.  If a guy has long hair, I’m down with that (really down with that), but do not try to style it up with a headband and then rock out at the local bar.  Let it be free, homie.  And if your hair isn’t long and you’re still trying to rock the head gear?  We’re gonna have to address those issues later…

Anything Bought In The Women’s Section

Seriously?  There isn’t enough clothing on the male side of the store, they have to skulk over to our side?  I understand that some dudes are slender and need a different cut than the rest of the American male population, but there are stores that specifically cater to those kinds of men (yay, Uniqlo and American Apparel!).  If only guys would do some research, they could find plenty of male clothing lines that have fantastic style and cuts.  Stay. Out. Of. My. Section.  I already have to fight off that hipster biotch for those rad jeans – I don’t want to have to throw an elbow at a dude, too.