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Sexy Time: Eff The No-Sex Rule

sex in bed intro

An hour before my first date with my boyfriend, I was sitting at dinner with a friend who had a single piece of advice for me: “Whatever you do, don’t sleep with him on the first date,” she said. Though I’ve heard iterations of the same first date rule (“Don’t go home with him on the first date”, “Nothing beyond kissing on the first date”, etc.), I was surprised to hear it from my pal — especially since she’s a smart girl who’s comfortable with her sexuality. I told her I’d take her opinion into account, but rule-abiding gal that I am, I proceeded to get wasted, go home with him, and postpone penetration for a whole five hours.

Does having sex in the wee hours of the morning after the first date still count as too early? In society’s eyes, probably. Some variations of the rule even ban sex until double-digit dates. But acting early on the sexual chemistry didn’t hurt my relationship. Nearly a year and a half later, my boyfriend is now my roommate and my respect for rules is still non-existent. It’s not my problem with authority, however, that makes me scoff at delaying sex. I simply don’t believe that the logic behind banning first-date sex is … well, logical.

Firstly, the no-sex rule assumes that someone (usually, the guy) will lose interest once intercourse is had. Naturally, the solution proposed by supposed relationship experts is not to date people with greater attention spans but instead to delay sex for as long as humanly possible in order to maintain the thrill of the chase. Because clearly, what you really want is a partner who will stick around as long as you say no! Not only does this imply that men are more interested in their scorecard than they are in compatibility, but it also suggests the only thing women have going for themselves is the illusion of unattainability.

Secondly, what is deemed appropriate dating behavior varies significantly from person to person and culture to culture. It seems silly to draw a line at a specific sexual act — in this case, sexual intercourse — especially when you consider that oral sex is actually considered more intimate than intercourse in many European countries. The no-sex rule may be a generally accepted (or at least, acknowledged) concept in America, but while U.S. relationship gurus are insisting that initial abstinence is key to a successful potential relationship, their counterparts across the Atlantic are dispensing wildly different advice.

That doesn’t mean that you should refrain from blowing a guy if you’re in Europe and postpone f**king a guy if you’re in the U.S. It does mean, however, that these rules are totally arbitrary and unrelated to the actual success of a relationship. Ultimately, experiences are unique to the parties involved, and no “expert” can judge if a specific sexual act will impact either party’s decision to go on date number two.

I might not be so peeved about the no-sex rule if it weren’t so pervasive, but even intelligent, independent-thinking people subscribe to it, sometimes at the expense of their true desires. Sex on the first date isn’t for everyone, and not every relationship will morph from “inappropriately early sexual encounter” to “domestic partnership” like mine. Still, I believe that we should approach commonly accepted rules with a healthy suspicion to ensure we’re following them not because we’re expected to, but because it’s what we truly want. In my case, I wasn’t about to exercise self-denial due to fear of societal judgment — or worse, rejection. Luckily, I found someone who agrees that the only waiting game worth playing is foreplay.

    Comments

    Comments

    1. drewaustin says:

      Agreed, on the no no sex rule… but if you do want to have sex on the first date you should probably read The Campus Socialite because the new Campus Diva says "Wait… Dress for That Date!"

      http://www.precioustimeny.com/blog/?p=1259

    2. Zoe says:

      Also, I think many intelligent women wait because they understandably fear being shuttled into the "slut" side of the wifey/slut binary. We all know that this binary shouldn't exist in the first place, that no guy who's that shallow is worth dating, and that to play that game is to lose some integrity, but still. It can be so hard to stick to principles when one is lonely/bored/vulnerable.

      Which is so ironic: lonely/bored/vulnerable women DON'T have sex so they can keep some certifiable dickwad strung along a little bit longer, while that dickwad probably only wants to drown his own loneliness/boredom/vulnerability in NSA vadge.*

      *excuse my overgeneralizing and hetero-ness.

    3. Ibrahim | ZenCollege says:

      Maybe I'm too conservative (I do live in Texas), but sex on a first date just seems too loose. It's difficult to imagine that if this girl is having sex with you on the first date that she didn't do the same with some other dude last weekend, and wont do the same with another next weekend.

      I know it's a stereotype-ish stigma, but still, this isn't the girl you wan't to bring home to mom…

      sry.

    4. Coleen | tasteofjers says:

      I had a drunken make out session with my boyfriend of over a year the first night we met. I asked him several months later what would have happened had I decided to have sex with him instead of calling it quits after slobbering all over each other. He told me that he would not consider a girl who had sex with him on the first night as "girlfriend material" and would only be seen as a sexual fling instead of a long-term potential mate. His friends seconded that.

    5. Zoe says:

      I don't understand the whole "this isn't the girl you want to bring home to mom" thing. I really don't. Does a girl having sex with you on the first date mean she's going to show up to your house with no panties on, offend your mom, flash your little brother, and wink at your dad? Can we forget "mom," since mom has no business knowing when you had sex with her, and just recognize that maybe you just don't want to picture all those other dudes when she's squeezing out your spawn? That maybe it's about your own insecurity?

      Is it outrageous to suggest that sex on the first date does not equal indiscriminate sex? Take it as a compliment, maybe she likes you.

    6. Jeff says:

      just had to ssy also because were he has diped his little friend

    7. Jennifer says:

      Personally, I'm not comfortable with having sex with someone for MONTHS after we've began dating (I'll hardly do anything sexual until I'm sure I'm in love), but those are my personal morals and I don't think everyone needs to follow them. If one is comfortable with sleeping with a guy on the first date then go ahead! It's terrible that society would then proceed to deem the girl a whore, or slut, when this isn't always true.

    8. Nathan Hawks says:

      A woman who has sex on the first date is no different spiritually or morally from a man who has sex on the first date.

      Discuss.

    9. Zoe: Totally agree with both of your comments.

      Ibrahim: Even if a girl DID have sex with a different guy the previous week (I had sex the weekend before I went on a date with my now-current boyfriend), does it mean that she's incapable of being a good partner? She might just like sex (which is a good thing) and this behavior says very little about her character. On the other hand, NOT having sex because you want to keep a guy interested is just manipulative. (If you're not having sex for other reasons, fine. But withholding it shouldn't be part of some game.)

    10. Meems says:

      I think the bigger issue for me is that I rarely know after one first date if the guy I've just met is someone I'm truly attracted to. I've been pushed into sleeping with guys before I'm comfortable with it and I ended up feeling used and kinda dirty afterwards. Not having sex on the first date can be a defense mechanism, as well as a realistic recognition of the fact that many men will (unfairly) dismiss women as potential girlfriend material if they are willing to have sex too soon. I'm not saying I like it or agree with it, but it's the truth for many men.

    11. A says:

      My biggest problem with this 'rule' is that it is really only told to females. What guys out there tell their friends not to have sex on the first date, for fear of them falling prey to some traditional social stigma? People should just do what is right for them personally and not judge others based upon different sexual histories or practices.

      My last two serious relationships developed after having sex before being serious, and they were great relationships. If a guy dismissed me as not 'girlfriend material' because I am comfortable with my sexuality and don't follow traditional (sexist) social rules, I don't think that is someone I would want to be with anyway.

      Also, what really pisses me off is when girls perpetuate this double standard also. It's really just another way to give guys an upper hand and repress women based upon natural sexual urges, and the last thing we need is for women to support that idea as well.

    12. miss_eboni says:

      I JUST POSTED THIS SAME TOPIC ON MY BLOG–> http://youspeakonit.blogspot.com... I posed the question does sex on the first date mean the relationship wont last?? I believe that it doesnt matter because me and my boyfriend had sex the second night (which technically isnt a first date) and we have been together for 3 1/2 years.. soooo.. yeah, i mean, I truly believe that it is up to the person and how they feel on the situation.

    13. Liam says:

      Girls who have sex on the first date are just easy ass. Which is usually what I'm after. If a girl makes me work for it, then she goes in the "Keeper" list for sure!

    14. Andrea says:

      Honestly, I think that there is an inherent risk of basing your emotional connection and relationship on sex. Face it, getting shitty drunk and going to bed with someone before you know if this person is even clean is a huge risk! Maybe neither of you were looking for a relationship, and lucky for you guys, you ended up in one. I'm sure your relationship is healthy and thriving, but I really feel that so many others are dating for their sexual needs first and a little conversation and dating on the side. "Domestic bliss" does not necessarily equate success in my book, choosing a partner who's gonna be there whether they've seen you naked or not is.

    15. Ashley says:

      I went too far on my first date with my current bf and have regretted it ever since, so in the end it all comes down to personal taste. You take a risk by having sex on date one because,heck, it woudnt be a rule if it didnt hold true.

    16. […] try to meet a man that meets our standards (like one of these hunka hunka burning loves) and have sex (but not that other icky act) on the first date! And we have the perfect eff-me shoes to do […]

    17. Amy says:

      (First of all, Ibrahim, I'm from Texas too.) Anyhow, I got naked on the first date, when I was 19, with a guy who was 31, who at the time also happened to be one of my work supervisors. Did it end badly? Did he think less of me? Well, now we've been monogamously together for 8+ years, living together since 2003, and we're getting married in less than 2 weeks. No regrets with sex on the first date, obviously.

    18. anonymous man says:

      "He told me that he would not consider a girl who had sex with him on the first night as “girlfriend material” and would only be seen as a sexual fling instead of a long-term potential mate. His friends seconded that."

      sorry your boyfriend and his friends are chauvinists you should change him into a normal person

    19. Chat Lines - Ambienc says:

      True. It really depends upon the situation and two parties involved. It is just mature thinking and you will know when it is the right time or not on the first date. Nice post, btw.

    20. that girl says:

      All the relationships ive had sex quickly in, ended quickly as well, for me i think waiting is better for a long relationship

    21. anonymous says:

      I don't think there's a double standard at all – maybe guys don't talk about this amongst their friends, but if I (or many other girls I know) went on a first date with a guy and he wanted to have sex afterwards, I'd probably kick him out and never go out with him again.

    22. firstimpressionz says:

      Every situation is different. One must think rationally before making instant choices to engage in bedroom activities. There is nothing wrong with waiting and feeling the person out truly.

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