Sexy Time: Eff The No-Sex Rule

Candy Dish: People Magazine Hearts Chase Crawford, TooCandy Dish: People Magazine Hearts Chase Crawford, Too
Candy Dish: TTYL, T.R. Knight!Candy Dish: TTYL, T.R. Knight!

sex in bed intro

An hour before my first date with my boyfriend, I was sitting at dinner with a friend who had a single piece of advice for me: “Whatever you do, don’t sleep with him on the first date,” she said. Though I’ve heard iterations of the same first date rule (“Don’t go home with him on the first date”, “Nothing beyond kissing on the first date”, etc.), I was surprised to hear it from my pal — especially since she’s a smart girl who’s comfortable with her sexuality. I told her I’d take her opinion into account, but rule-abiding gal that I am, I proceeded to get wasted, go home with him, and postpone penetration for a whole five hours.

Does having sex in the wee hours of the morning after the first date still count as too early? In society’s eyes, probably. Some variations of the rule even ban sex until double-digit dates. But acting early on the sexual chemistry didn’t hurt my relationship. Nearly a year and a half later, my boyfriend is now my roommate and my respect for rules is still non-existent. It’s not my problem with authority, however, that makes me scoff at delaying sex. I simply don’t believe that the logic behind banning first-date sex is … well, logical.

Firstly, the no-sex rule assumes that someone (usually, the guy) will lose interest once intercourse is had. Naturally, the solution proposed by supposed relationship experts is not to date people with greater attention spans but instead to delay sex for as long as humanly possible in order to maintain the thrill of the chase. Because clearly, what you really want is a partner who will stick around as long as you say no! Not only does this imply that men are more interested in their scorecard than they are in compatibility, but it also suggests the only thing women have going for themselves is the illusion of unattainability.

Secondly, what is deemed appropriate dating behavior varies significantly from person to person and culture to culture. It seems silly to draw a line at a specific sexual act — in this case, sexual intercourse — especially when you consider that oral sex is actually considered more intimate than intercourse in many European countries. The no-sex rule may be a generally accepted (or at least, acknowledged) concept in America, but while U.S. relationship gurus are insisting that initial abstinence is key to a successful potential relationship, their counterparts across the Atlantic are dispensing wildly different advice.

That doesn’t mean that you should refrain from blowing a guy if you’re in Europe and postpone f**king a guy if you’re in the U.S. It does mean, however, that these rules are totally arbitrary and unrelated to the actual success of a relationship. Ultimately, experiences are unique to the parties involved, and no “expert” can judge if a specific sexual act will impact either party’s decision to go on date number two.

I might not be so peeved about the no-sex rule if it weren’t so pervasive, but even intelligent, independent-thinking people subscribe to it, sometimes at the expense of their true desires. Sex on the first date isn’t for everyone, and not every relationship will morph from “inappropriately early sexual encounter” to “domestic partnership” like mine. Still, I believe that we should approach commonly accepted rules with a healthy suspicion to ensure we’re following them not because we’re expected to, but because it’s what we truly want. In my case, I wasn’t about to exercise self-denial due to fear of societal judgment — or worse, rejection. Luckily, I found someone who agrees that the only waiting game worth playing is foreplay.

Comments