Celebretard Showdown: Bret Michaels vs. Billy Ray Cyrus

I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Reality TV shows are, in general, pretty awful.  Yes, I do get some satisfaction from seeing Speidi flail about in the jungle, but most of the satisfaction I get from reality TV comes from seeing D-list celebrities I hate fail miserably at life.  One of those D-list celebrities is Bret Michaels.   Another would be Billy Ray Cyrus (I know he’s not on a reality TV show, but it’s coming…I’m sure it’s coming).  It’s tough to say which one is more retarded, since the rate at which both losers attempt publicity stunts makes my head spin and therefore makes it hard to think clearly.  However, I’ll do my best to clear up this pressing issue.

Love Life
Bret Michaels is a whore.  What’s worse is he’s a white-trash whore.  I mean, everyone who’s seen Rock of Love (in its many incarnations) knows that Bret likes the ladies and he likes ‘em slutty and slightly dirty looking.  I don’t know if it qualifies as a “love life,” but he sure gets around.

Billy Ray Cyrus is married.  Surprised? Me too.  He’s mostly seen around his daughter, Miley, so it seems his duties as a creepy father are intruding on his love life.

Point: Brett Michaels. Dude, give it up.  No one except gold-digging skanks want your old, dirty ass.

Fame Whorishness
Bret Michaels is a major fame whore.  He was in a crappy band and is now in his 37th season of a dating show that throws all of his former groupies at him one disgusting, siliconed, sticky bunch at a time.  I’m pretty sure any “talent” he had is now gone.  You never can tell, though, because there’s always a tramp or three hanging off his lip.

Billy Ray Cyrus is a really creepy fame whore.  Not only is he always around his daughter Miley, he’s always in her TV show, her movies, her songs…seriously, step off!  Your time is done!  Go grab a bottle of whiskey and put Achy Breaky Heart on repeat to remind you of the good times.

Point: Billy Ray Cyrus. Mooching off your daughter’s success just to be in the spotlight?  Lame.

Family
Bret Michaels has two children. What! Someone procreated with that man?  I hope that his children don’t have cable, because if I ever saw my father doing anything remotely close to what Bret does on Rock Of Love, I would literally kill myself after barfing up my internal organs.

Billy Ray Cyrus has a famous daughter and some other children.  Seriously, how would you feel if you were one of the forgotten Cyrus children?  What do they do when their father and sister are out making fools of themselves at photo shoots and on movie sets?  Well, without those two crazies they probably lead normal lives.  Good for them.

Point: Bret Michaels. Nothing good can come from the seed of that man.

Talent/Career
Bret Michaels has talent…and that talent consists of making slutty, white-trash girls act even sluttier all in an attempt to get in bed with him (even though he is dirty and old…can’t stress that enough).  Poison sucked.  Yeah, I said it.

Billy Ray Cyrus had one hit song and then a lot of barely mediocre songs.  Now he’s not making songs and just feeding off the success of his daughter.  Some career.  Still love me some Achy Breaky Heart, though!

Point: Bret Michaels. His lack of career is more pathetic than Billy Ray Cyrus’.  If that’s even possible.

Celebretard Prize Goes To:  Bret Michaels...and overwhelmingly so! There is literally nothing I like about that man.  I think he may have some real mental issues…as in a complete lack of intelligence.  At least we all got the satisfaction of seeing Bret getting his face rearranged by stage equipment at the Tony Awards (well, those of lame enough to stay in and watch the Tony Awards, anyway).  Ah, satisfaction.