Heading South of My Border? Yessss, Please!

June 22, 2009 Posted in Relationships, Sex

Taking a walk with some friends one day, sipping coffee and having one of those hilarious TMI sex conversations you sometimes slip into with people you know really well, I heard something that stopped me mid-iced latte. Totally casually, as though it was no big deal, a friend asked if the rest of us enjoyed receiving oral sex, because she really, well, didn’t.

By Gemma

Say WHAT?!?!?

I couldn’t believe it. How could you not enjoy something that is completely and totally dedicated to your pleasure, and yours alone? Surely she was alone in this, I thought. Not so! As soon as the question was posed, a definite majority of the group was on her side! Some disliked it altogether, some liked it OK but were pretty “meh” about the whole concept, and I was the only holdout for it being truly awesome.

I have to say, ladies, I just don’t get it. When I got curious, I was presented with a few primary reasons for these women not being crazy about someone heading downtown.

1. “I worry he doesn’t like doing it.”
A valid concern, on the surface: no one wants to put someone they love/like/lust after in an awkward position. But dig a little deeper for a minute, if you will. I don’t love the physical act of giving a blow job, but I love love love how good I can make someone feel when I do it! Isn’t that the point of all this? If he doesn’t care about making you feel good, then forget him. Seriously. Now.

2. “I’m self-conscious about the appearance/smell/yadda yadda yadda of my ladyparts.”
Are you naked? ‘Cause he won’t notice anything else. But seriously, folks, I know that if I am in need of a little yardwork, I am uncomfortable with someone getting too close down there. With a little maintenance, it’s a non-issue. And that’s just me: you may prefer more or less, all or nothing at all. Maintain what YOU like, not what you think someone else will find attractive. It’s subjective, anyway, and any man who has specific opinions on your pubic hair should really get over it. Even if he does have opinions, they should be a preference, not a deal-breaker. If you’re still feeling fidgety, remember: women all have the same bits, and you probably look and smell much like the rest of us ladies, and any man worth his salt knows and appreciates this.

3. “I don’t enjoy it all that much. I just prefer sex.”
My working theory is that this stems from one of the first two reasons, which can distract you so entirely from the present moment that you won’t enjoy anything at all. But if you really just think it doesn’t feel good, then, well, I didn’t want to get all “you’ve just never been with someone who was good at it” on you, but you’ve just never been with someone who was good at it. Bad oral sex is….pretty bad. Pretty useless, at best. Men who are too rough, or fast, or seem to think that imitating porn stars is the way to go just need a little direction. If the usual strategically placed moans don’t work, most men dig it if you tell them what you want. Honestly, if you can tell him “ohhhh do that again,” or “I love it when you…” you’re golden. It might feel like awkward dirty talk at first, but trust me, it’ll get the job done and probably turn him on in the process. Everybody wins!

It is incredible to have someone focused entirely on making you feel amazing (and trust me, that is different than someone who is just trying to warm you up so he can get his groove on. Forget that guy also. Immediately.). You give, should you not also have the chance to lay back, relax and receive? On top of it being an incredible orgasm on its own, oral sex makes any sex that follows utterly toe-curling, because you are so revved up and ready to go. That is one of the little gifts of being a woman: the first orgasm only prepares you for the next one.

If you think you don’t like it, try it again. You don’t know what you’re missing.

3129621 Comments2009-06-22+13%3A00%3A46Gemma+-+NYU on "Heading South of My Border? Yessss, Please!"

Lauren - University says:
Mon, 22nd Jun 20094:59 am

Um, YES you should be concerned. He is being very selfish. Maybe you should withhold doing anything to him and see how he feels. I can't believe there are still guys out there who won't help a lady out.

Ace says:
Mon, 22nd Jun 20095:52 am

It's true, I used to hate it until I met my new man. He's European and they really take pride in their oral skills. Mind blowing does not begin to describe it, I never knew what I was missing!

Diana says:
Mon, 22nd Jun 20099:33 am

Should I be concerned that my boyfriend wont go down on me? I’ve never specifically asked for it… but I’ve always gone down on him and now we have sex but nothing else. He’d always finger me before I’d eventually go down on him or we’d have sex. I wasn’t too experienced with sex to know if this was a big deal or not- but it seems like a lot of other guys are going down and I’m missing out!

wendy says:
Mon, 22nd Jun 200910:09 am

so i assumed that i didn't like it either.

i changed my mind this weekend. not only did my friend seem to want to do it, he was amazing at it. so guess the others were just bad at it.

Frank says:
Mon, 22nd Jun 200910:47 am

I'm all for goin' down, but if you think all "lady parts" are the same, well, they're not. Some women are too hairy… it's not like fellating, where you don't have to get close. Your whole face gets up in there, and without a proper trim job, it's just gross. Picking your pubes out of my teeth is humiliating for me, doubly so for you. Fortunately, most women nowadays maintain the lawn, so this is usually not an issue.

There is the smell issue. Some women smell like nothing, others like a can of tuna warming in the sun. Which is horrible. Yes, we'll stick it, but we won't eat it. Most of the time, we won't come back for seconds EVER.

Yes, some constructive "yeah, that's the spot" is a BIG turn on. Not only are you helping yourself, you're helping him find what works for you. Although I know where the right spot is, not everybody likes it the same way.

Oh, and if you don't fellate, don't even bother to expect him to reciprocate. Think about this… we all HAVE to swallow. So stop being so squeamish about "I don't like it when he comes in my mouth" crap. Spit it out if you don't like it… 2 out of 3 times, we don't like how you taste either.

However, it's AWESOME when you're all a-quiver. Definitely brings the lovin' to a whole different level.

Sophie says:
Mon, 22nd Jun 200911:37 am

Frank. ahahahaha.

For your first part: To say that we dont have to get up in there, is a bit incorrect. Some men have never trimmed, maintained, conditioned a single hair down there, so us women have our face in a freaking safari. As for "picking pubes" out of teeth,(classy word choice), same goes. Men have some serious non-maintenence issues, where, Im assuming more women "maitain the lawn."

Sencondly: With the pubes from a mans crime scene, comes stench. Especially if its hot as balls(haha) outside. Not many men shave, so when the boys down there get all sweaty, they REAK. The hair mixed with balls and poor circulation comes the most-upsetting "stinky package" Very unpleasant.

Im sure you know where the "right spot" is, especially with the pubes flossing dilemma afterwards.

Thirdly: Maybe youve been with women who bust, like actually cum. But for whatever large percent of women just get wet, I would hardly compare that to swallowing when a man busts a load in a womans mouth. Do you know the velocity? Cum doesnt stay in the mouth long enough to be diluted with spit, where as when a man goes down on a woman. There is licking and lubrication, where giving head to a man is sucking this he's dry, so to speak. Just imagine for a second a load of sperm sitting next to you turkey sandwhich for lunch. Gross? Makes me squemish.

I hope you dont take much offense to this, I just felt compelled to reply. I am not trying to be aggressive, just offer the other side of your comment. : )

S says:
Mon, 22nd Jun 20091:16 pm

this article is pretty ridiculous. it assumes women who don't like oral sex are all insecure. that's very far from truth.

Frank says:
Tue, 23rd Jun 200911:58 am

Sophie, you rock. Don't apologize for speaking your mind! Point well taken. I actually wouldn't expect you to want to go down on me if I was stinky/nasty. That's just gross.

Cheers!

Bella says:
Tue, 23rd Jun 20094:05 pm

Sophie, thanks for speaking in behalf of all us ladies over here

And Frank, thanks for speaking the truth (I guess) now we know what goes on through a man's mind when he's going down on us!

You deff have a point!

Tiffany says:
Tue, 23rd Jun 200910:01 pm

She didn't imply women who didn't like oral were insecure at all. She said specifically "I was presented with a few primary reasons for these women not being crazy about someone heading downtown". She didn't say these were the only reasons, just a few that tend to come up as top reasons.

MidnightVisions says:
Sun, 28th Jun 200912:06 pm

I still cant believe there are females out there

that say "they dont like oral sex"

no its just you dont like boring and dull oral sex

just like guys who hate when a girl

just licks 4 times and says are you ready ..

I take great pride as well with my oral skills

If im not making the girl twirl moan and biting their lip

im doing something wrong

but heres the thing

Im not gonna go all out

if the girl aint going to deliver the same experience

if im going all out

by all means i want my toes twirling too ..

a little bush is ok

as long as it aint looking like jumanji

and for the smelly part, aghh

I mean come on throw some baby powder on that

rub lotion around your thighs

butt if it still stinks

after the shower

the baby powder

and lotion

….

taxi!!

Frank White says:
Wed, 1st Jul 20094:30 am

That last paragraph of the previous post read like some new age poetry about oral sex.

knuckles says:
Tue, 7th Jul 200912:18 pm

It is absolutely unfair for a guy to expect oral sex and not be willing to give it. My girl and I stick to oral almost exclusively (both ways of course) cuz it's safer (baby-wise), requires less effort (for me at least, but I do most of the work during vaginal sex anyway), and can be fine-tuned a little more. It's the ultimate act of submission, your way of telling her that you are willing to do anything for her… also, try this: go down on her and make her cum (once or twice), then let her lay there and recover for a few, then f*ck her slowly and deeply and make her come again (she will, several times.) afterwards she will be trembling and sweating in an exhausted heap, whispering to you that she loves you more than life itself

Frank, I don't get it: "we all HAVE to swallow". HUH? Your girl squirts out a big glob of sticky juice every time she cums? If so, something's very wrong with her body. I know some girls can squirt on occasion but what exactly are you swallowing? very weird.

"it’s not like fellating, where you don’t have to get close" WHAT?! I'm not even sure how to interpret that. You know that fellatio involves putting the penis INTO her mouth? That's inside her body. Not licking something outside of her mouth, putting something into it, much much more intimate. I'm not sure what kind of fellatio you've received, but it sounds like you were doing it wrong… And I agree with Sophie that men are much less-likely to keep it kempt down there.. which is too bad.

"Although I know where the right spot is"… based on your other statements, I doubt you know where anyone's "right spot" is. Especially because women have two "right spots" that should be simultaneously stimulated for maximum results!… anyway, not trying to flame here, but really, those statements made negative sense.

P.S. Shaving (him and her) makes it infinitely better for both parties… actually getting this done can be a joint effort

E says:
Wed, 8th Jul 20094:45 am

Hmmmm….shaving can be incredibly erotic and sensual. As a dude, I generally give even if I don't receive. Good times!

Kit says:
Thu, 9th Jul 20096:57 am

Girls have to get very, ridiculously close, and as much as you dont like "flossing", neither do we. I've been with guys ranging from caveman to metrosexual in their grooming habits, and I'd like at least a little maintenance. To say that its a "tender region" is a bit unfair. Ask your girl how many times shes accidentally cut herself shaving or whatnot.I'm not expecting every man I come across to be clean-shaven or anything, thats unfair too, but a trim is nice? Also, its usually just bad oral if you don't like it. I'm sure theres some people who honestly dislike it, but certainly not the majority.

K says:
Sun, 19th Jul 20093:51 pm

"any man worth his salt" hahahahahaha

nikki says:
Tue, 6th Oct 200910:10 am

@ sophie

you rock. period. m/

CuriousAllAround says:
Tue, 15th Jun 201011:09 pm

@Frank and @Sophie

I think you both are hilarious and bring up equally important issues on both fronts. ahahaha.

For me, I've never found a guy who would actually want to go down on me for more than a minute and actually enjoy it… (well there was this one girl… but she didn't do much of anything for me either in the end. It was like she was rushing to get to my part of the deal not really taking time or anything.) *Sigh* I've heard all these great stories and really a part of me wonders if maybe I am missing out. I'm really shy in real life so I've never actually just talked about this to a random guy or girl who I haven't dated for more than 2 months about this.

So in the end, when girls like you ask, all I can say is "no I don't particularly like it. Doesn't really do much for me…" sheepishly.

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