Celebretard Showdown: Mariah Carey vs. Jennifer Lopez

I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Everyone loves a diva.  Well, not really.  They just think that everyone loves them, despite having no real talent or anything to offer to society.  When you say “diva,” two women jump to mind – Mariah Carey and Jenifer Lopez.  The glitz, the glamor, the bad acting and the attitude (ohhh the attitude) define who they are.   Where would we be without these ladies?  Probably in a much less annoying world, but let’s make a list just to be sure…

Career
Mariah Carey is a machine, pumping out annoying hit after annoying hit.  Yes, I hate her music.  No, I can’t stop myself from trying to sing along with her in my car.  However, I categorically refuse to watch Glitter or any of her other attempts at “acting.”  Most of the rest of the world seems to refuse as well.

Jennifer Lopez used to be a good actress (Selena! I was so down with watching that movie every day in fifth grade…in between Titanic showings, of course).  Then something terrible happened and she started making movies like Angel Eyes and Monster-In-Law.  Her music isn’t great either.

Point: Mariah Carey. Every time I sing one of her songs, I die a little inside.  Plus,  you can’t beat Selena.

Diva Stock
Mariah Carey is infamous for her diva-like tendencies, from canceling TV appearances at the last minute to traveling with her own furniture.  She’s had highly publicized emotional “break downs” and reappeared in the media, batting her eyelashes, almost instantly once she got the attention she craved.  Really, Mariah?  You’re from Long Island.  Calm yourself.

Jennifer Lopez has earned plenty of diva status with her pages of requests that are sent anywhere she intends to roll into with her entourage (which, btw, includes her hairstylist and personal chef).  I just can’t see what would make her think she can order people to change entire lighting schemes just to make herself look better…although that is an amazing idea and I will so start to require complimentary lighting wherever I go.

Point: Jennifer Lopez. Jenny from the Block?  I’m so sure.  Let’s see what happens if you roll up in the Bronx with your entourage and list of demands.

Camera Whorishness
Mariah Carey loves her some photography.  And by photography, I mean she loves when people take pictures of her (and talk about her and admire her and etc., etc.).  Unfortunately, the camera doesn’t love her back and we’re all stuck with unfortunate results plastered all over our gossip mags and blogs.

Jennifer Lopez also loves the spotlight, but thanks to the influence of her intensely-private husband, seems to be stepping back more often.  I mean, her face is still everywhere, but I don’t see it even when my eyes are closed anymore.  Win.

Point: Mariah Carey. Just…stop.

Love Life
Mariah Carey has been tied to quite a few celeb dudes in her time (was anyone else supremely amused by the whole Eminem thing??) and was married early on in her career.  Now she’s married again and to Nick Cannon.  Was he drugged?  I feel like he’s a pretty chill and funny dude…what’s he doing with that diva??

Jennifer Lopez moves from high-profile relationship to high-profile relationship (by relationship, I mean marriage…she’s had a lot of those) with alarming (but somewhat impressive) speed.  From her time spent with Puffy (there was a pretty gangsta gun fight in there somewhere, I think) to her participation as half of the beast that was the original Bennifer.

Point: Jennifer Lopez. Oh, Bennifer.  How you used to amuse me.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Mariah Carey. Aging divas are generally unpleasant creatures, but Mariah takes the cake (and definitely eats it, too) with her sliding career and increasing amount of attitude.  Unfortunately, that won’t prevent me from belting out “Touch My Body” in my car the next time it comes on the radio.  Fail.