Beach Bums: Lose The Speedos, Dudes

The beach is wonderful.  It is the symbol of summer.  In fact, most of my childhood memories of that glorious 3-month-long stretch of nothingness are of living in my swimsuit and being constantly covered in sand with wet hair.  Ah, the good ‘ole days (except when that pesky salt water got in my eyes)…

Now if I want to go to the beach, I have to make plans and gather the accessories (hat? check. sunblock? check. iPod? check….and etc.).  I also have to find a beach near my apartment that isn’t littered with used needles and garbage.  Once I have completed those tasks, I get to lay out in the sun, listen to the waves, feel the breeze, and watch…guys in mandals and thongs walk past.  WTF.

There are some things (okay, a lot of things) that aren’t appropriate for the beach.  For example, socks aren’t appropriate for the beach.  Neither is a leather jacket (OMG can you imagine the amount of sweat?).  However, these things are small beans compared to the catastrophes that I have witnessed by the seaside (or lakeside – whatevs):

Back Hair -

No one wants to see a dude strutting around and flaunting their back hair at the beach anywhere.  Cover that mess up or, even better, wax it off, homie!!  It’s for the good of all mankind.

Mandals -

This one is pretty simple to avoid: either wear shoes (or even flip flops!) or go barefoot.  For guys, the beach has limited footwear options.  My vote is for barefoot.  It looks relaxed, manly AND it exfoliates!

Speedos -

You might as well be naked, seriously.  Actually, it’s worse.  I don’t want to see your goods tucked into a small piece of spandex.  Be a man and put on board shorts.  The only time your junk should be on display is during a late-night skinny dipping sesh or secret dune sex.  Not for tanning/swimming at 2pm on a crowded beach.

Farmer’s Tan -

More so than a deathly pale body, a farmer’s tan burns itself into the eyeball and forces viewers to turn away to save their vision.  I know it’s not essential for a guy to have a perfectly even tan, but guys should try not to look like they’re wearing a tee shirt (or back sweater? see above) when they’re not.

Straw Hats -

Unless you are rocking a sweet straw fedora (you hipster, you), then a straw hat does not belong on your head.  Dudes…it’s summer at the beach.  Man up.  You are not my 80-year-old gramms, so lose. the. hat.

Reflective Sunglasses -

Ohai Dude-Wearing-Reflective-Sunglasses…are you here to molest me or protect me?  I can’t tell.  Mostly because I can’t see your eyes.  Don’t get me wrong, I love having a built-in mirror when I look at you, but it’s not 1988. Please take those off and stomp on them so they don’t have to disgrace anyone’s face ever again.  Thanks.

Mesh Tank Tops -

What is this, the 80’s? A Night At The Roxbury?  Either way, if you’re wearing a shirt and I can still see your nips, there’s gonna be a problem.  Plus, just think of the tan lines…the terrible tan lines.

Excessive Sunblock on the Nose -

Everyone wants to be healthy and avoid skin cancer, yes?  Well, the way to do that is not to put 80% of the bottle on your nose.  Share the wealth with the rest of your body!  Plus, you look like a boy scout counselor from the 1970s.

Swimming in Tee Shirts -

Why would you need to do this?  Did you forget to take off your clothes before you had a random urge to swim?  FYI, a tee shirt is not an effective way to hide back hair or love handles.  Just take it off (I’m talking about the shirt and the hair…)