Beach Bums: Lose The Speedos, Dudes


The beach is wonderful.  It is the symbol of summer.  In fact, most of my childhood memories of that glorious 3-month-long stretch of nothingness are of living in my swimsuit and being constantly covered in sand with wet hair.  Ah, the good ‘ole days (except when that pesky salt water got in my eyes)…

Now if I want to go to the beach, I have to make plans and gather the accessories (hat? check. sunblock? check. iPod? check….and etc.).  I also have to find a beach near my apartment that isn’t littered with used needles and garbage.  Once I have completed those tasks, I get to lay out in the sun, listen to the waves, feel the breeze, and watch…guys in mandals and thongs walk past.  WTF.

There are some things (okay, a lot of things) that aren’t appropriate for the beach.  For example, socks aren’t appropriate for the beach.  Neither is a leather jacket (OMG can you imagine the amount of sweat?).  However, these things are small beans compared to the catastrophes that I have witnessed by the seaside (or lakeside – whatevs):

Back Hair

back hair

No one wants to see a dude strutting around and flaunting their back hair at the beach anywhere.  Cover that mess up or, even better, wax it off, homie!!  It’s for the good of all mankind.



This one is pretty simple to avoid: either wear shoes (or even flip flops!) or go barefoot.  For guys, the beach has limited footwear options.  My vote is for barefoot.  It looks relaxed, manly AND it exfoliates!



You might as well be naked, seriously.  Actually, it’s worse.  I don’t want to see your goods tucked into a small piece of spandex.  Be a man and put on board shorts.  The only time your junk should be on display is during a late-night skinny dipping sesh or secret dune sex.  Not for tanning/swimming at 2pm on a crowded beach.

Farmer’s Tan

farmers tan2

More so than a deathly pale body, a farmer’s tan burns itself into the eyeball and forces viewers to turn away to save their vision.  I know it’s not essential for a guy to have a perfectly even tan, but guys should try not to look like they’re wearing a tee shirt (or back sweater? see above) when they’re not.

Straw Hats

straw hat

Unless you are rocking a sweet straw fedora (you hipster, you), then a straw hat does not belong on your head.  Dudes…it’s summer at the beach.  Man up.  You are not my 80-year-old gramms, so lose. the. hat.

Reflective Sunglasses

reflective sunnies

Ohai Dude-Wearing-Reflective-Sunglasses…are you here to molest me or protect me?  I can’t tell.  Mostly because I can’t see your eyes.  Don’t get me wrong, I love having a built-in mirror when I look at you, but it’s not 1988. Please take those off and stomp on them so they don’t have to disgrace anyone’s face ever again.  Thanks.

Mesh Tank Tops

FB_Mesh Shirt

What is this, the 80’s? A Night At The Roxbury?  Either way, if you’re wearing a shirt and I can still see your nips, there’s gonna be a problem.  Plus, just think of the tan lines…the terrible tan lines.

Excessive Sunblock on the Nose

nose sunblock

Everyone wants to be healthy and avoid skin cancer, yes?  Well, the way to do that is not to put 80% of the bottle on your nose.  Share the wealth with the rest of your body!  Plus, you look like a boy scout counselor from the 1970s.

Swimming in Tee Shirts

swimming in tshirt

Why would you need to do this?  Did you forget to take off your clothes before you had a random urge to swim?  FYI, a tee shirt is not an effective way to hide back hair or love handles.  Just take it off (I’m talking about the shirt and the hair…)



  1. Rebecca says:

    While I totally agree when it comes to back hair and Speedos, I think you missed the mark on some others. Floppy straw sun hats can be chic and glamorous – just not the kind that come with a chin strap! And swimming with a T-shirt, although hardly fashionable, is sometimes necessary to keep a sunburn from getting worse – I've had to do it before and I would do it again before risking skin cancer.

  2. C says:

    ewww back hair

  3. Bubba says:

    somes dem guuys gots thaqt colostomy bag hanging out so, a shirt is ok..

  4. Roger says:

    Boardshorts are going to become passé. You're just a typical American puritan prude.

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  6. sara says:

    I agree with everything except I don't really have a problem with guys in sandals. Though I'd prefer them to wear regular flip flops or Sperrys instead

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  8. kat says:

    ew I seriously dislike boardshorts. They're so gross and baggy. Please keep the speedo on. Or the one with itty bitty legs.

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  10. sexiibradley09 says:

    The guys in the speedos were actually pretty hot!

  11. Bob Wong says:

    It's not so much the speedos I have a problem with, (summers in Europe cured that) it's the guys in speedos who are 30+ pounds overweight wearing speedos that I don't want to see.

  12. drewaustin says:

    Here are some other fashion mistakes that the college guys always make… The Campus Socialite fills you in


  13. Nathan Paul Prince says:

    You sound like a subrubanite from the 90s when you complain about speedos… you don`t get out much I take it. Kids wear board shorts. Speedos are for posers (otherwise they wouldn`t be in public sharing the shape of their junk in spandex), but "men" will wear a pair of casual shorts or at worst, trunk style shorts.

    As for sandals, guys wearing flip flops is a shot in the head, but the ones you have pictured are what your average male will wear. Just cuz it doesn`t get you hot doesn`t mean its rot.

    I suggest you take a second look and walk off the campus, get away from the college boys (they are mama boys) and head to an actual beach where surfers hang.

    You sound pretty weird.

  14. Eric the beachcomber says:

    Can’t argue with all the atrocities listed except for one : Speedos. C’mon , you can’t expect a dude to wear basically a pair of cullottes to the beach now , do ya? With a FLORAL print at that? Really , if a guy is in great shape , does some body “maintenance” (ie : man-hair removal) , 20-30 yrs. old , and confident enough to wear one , what’s the deal? If you are so traumatized , please avert your eyes. Maybe next time I shall wear my MAN BURQUA on my next beach outing.

  15. Courtney says:

    HELLO why are you discouraging men from getting MORE naked by wearing Speedos? They've been covering up too much by wearing those dumbass board shorts for way too long. They just plain look sloppy, and sloppy is not sexy.

  16. Tim says:

    Board shorts are for guys who put a towel around their waist when they change in the locker room.

    Speedos feel better, they don't chafe, and if you have a decent bod, do a public service to everyone around you. Even if you're an uggo, they aren't too bad.

    Women no longer wear those frilly Victorian swim bloomers. Why go that direction with men?

  17. Barbara says:

    Speedos are absolutely fine at the beach. You're a cunt!

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  19. john dickens says:

    I think board shorts are fine for guys who dont want to swim. or can't. If I see a guy at a pool swimming in them, I think 'crap swimmer' and 99% of the time its true. Have you tried to swim breast stroke with those fcuking things dragging and chafing your thighs? Mid thigh is the max for swimming. I don't understand what all this prudery is about. Maybe its just fatties not wanting to be shown up.

  20. jimmy says:

    who gives a goddamn

  21. Peter says:

    Only the sexually repressed or the super prudish would have anything against speedos… it seems to be a very american thing to hate speedos.. frankly speedos are a lot comfortable than board shorts.. i agree it looks bad on fat guys… but to say someone with a good build not to wear speedos is just plain dumb..

  22. Kyler says:

    beachis always ,,sand and surf…with something for everyone..and yeah..I've lost my speedo in the waves more than once..


  23. Jane says:

    I like speedos. They are good for swimming. Americans need to get over the prusdish body fear and fear of small packages.

  24. Carl says:

    Speedos style suits only here including my older and younger brother and father. We are all in shape and are swimmers. Younger brother is twelve, I am 16, older bro is 19. Wear them to beach and pool. Never had a problem. If someone doesn't like it, too bad for them.

  25. mark gradischer says:

    All this stupid hate speedos from women who like to go to the beach with nothing more than a Stsing bikini makes me sick. some of you women should take a look a your selves and and say lose the string bikinis. Not all women at the beach look so hot in what they are wearing, further more have you never herd of the athletic supporter. If a man wears a speedo he should tuck his stuff under the supporter that way his stuff does not show as much.

  26. Justin says:

    ok, i have a couple complains and agreements with this post. first off let me just say what i agree with:
    1) the sandals… i would tend to agree with you on the whole sandals thing… its just WAY more comfortable to go bare footed.. no sand getting in between anything and your feet and chafing the crap out of them.. that and some sandals just look dorky as ALL hell.
    2)the back hair… oh… my… FU#@ING GOD YES !!! shave that or wax it or burn it, but do something that makes it go away !! show the world that you are willing to take of your body enough to at least make it look presentable ! you wouldn’t go to a job interview with a big ass bushman’s beard would you ? then why would you go to the beach with a Persian rug on your back ?!
    and 3) the dorky hats… unless you have some pre-existing skin condition that requires you to cover up then you have no business wearing those things. my mother has had skin cancer and now needs to keep the exposure her skin gets to the sun to a minimum, but she enjoys being outside, thus she has to wear hats like the one you showed… your blurb on how they are generally not appropriate comes off as VERY ignorant, which could be chocked up to just poor choice of wording
    now, the things i do NOT agree with:
    1) the speedos… sorry to say, i’m one of the RARE male North Americans (Canadian to be exact) who actually prefers speedos to shorts (while i’m not in the proper shape to wear them at the moment… thus i wear shorts till i AM ready for the speedos), and i would have to agree with the previous comments on how people need to be less prudish around here.. and also the one about how guys are not the only ones who should have restrictions on what they are allowed to wear at a beach… having grown up in the maritimes i spent every summer on the beach… and i have seen some girls wearing bathing suits that they REALLY should not have been allowed to wear. i don’t think the problem lies with the bathing suit, i think it lies with the wearer of said bathing suit… if you have enough roles to make a bakery jealous, you should not be wearing skimpy bikinis or speedos. but if you are in great shape, why the hell not show it off ? as the saying goes “if you got it…flaunt it !”
    2) the whole farmer’s tan thing… a lot of the time, people don’t have the luxury of spending countless hours sun bathing at home, as they might work all day, and a lot of the time the ones who have said farmer’s tans, work outside, and are not allowed to take their shirts off. people go to the beach so that they can try to even out that tan as much as possible. so really… there is no place that people with farmer’s tans should be more, than at the beach.
    3) the shirt in the water thing.. its been covered by people already, and the same thing goes for the shirt in the water as with the large hats, some people need to keep covered up as much as possible, but still want to enjoy swimming, nough said
    4) the mirrored sun glasses, personally i think you are being quite petty on this point. there are some mirrored sun glasses that look REALLY good on people. and if you don’t like them, nobody is forcing you to talk to those people (though, as a common curtisy (spelling?) if they are talking to you, they should at least lift the sun glass up on top of their head and off their eyes… this is just proper conversation etiquette).


  27. Rayfrid says:

    I've been, and will continue to wear, Speedo-type swim briefs. I have shaved and removed most body hair. College Candy, who appointed you into fashion police force? I RESENT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SAID!!! I am also organizing Speedo & bikini wearers to fight morons like you. Let that be a warning.

  28. theydoexist says:

    Fell across this page… another prudish, uptight, stuck-up, valley girl, as worse or worse then trashy people. How many people have you demeaned through High School to get where you are?

  29. mike says:

    fluffy air-balls for brains. This is the most ridiculous, narrow-minded, backwards-small town (please stay in it…..) set of… rules??? I've ever read in my entire life.

  30. Mary says:

    Sweetie? When the girls who are waaaaaaaaaay to fat to wear a potato sack say nothing of swim suits, bikinis, cut-offs, tube tops, thongs etc. stop wearing them and cover up, then we have the right to ask men to stop wearing racers. Until then, stfu.

  31. Jack says:

    This kind of internet junk posting is so last decade or 20.

    Boys/guys or men wearing speedos are really not interested in what people, be it male or female think about them.

    I couldnt a hoot what anyone thinks

    Speedos are cool to swim in, the freedom of movement vs trunks or shorts is vast, woman should try trunks one day to see why the trend is to move to speedo type swimwear on males.

    So the move is now to get males to wear speedos everywhere and I've been spreading the word everywhere like here

  32. TJ BD says:


    1. Mac says:

      Women who don't like men wearing speedos, especially the young and fit and sexy guys, because it takes the attention away from their string bikinis! Why is it socially acceptable for women to parade around almost naked, while they insist that their male counterparts cover it up from the waist down to the knees? Why don't women start wearing boxers and broad shorts??? Why do they want all the attention??? Are these uptight speedo-phobic women no up to a little competition from men in speedos???

  33. speedosRhot says:

    Speedos are practical for (you guessed it) swimming. They are comfortable, dry fast, and leave a nice tanline. The knock on them for being unsightly (esp. on over weight hairy guys) or gay is bogus. It's the obesity not the swim suit that is unsightly. A fat stomach hanging over the waist band of a Speedo OR board shorts is not fun to look at. Flat firm fit abs are attractive in Speedos AND boardshorts. Plenty of straight and gay guys like Speedos. Some women don't like to see the outline of a guy's package, but some dig it. So look or look away. To each his/her own. Live and let live.

    BTW – your post comes off sounding like there is nothing that you do like, and you want the entire beach to yourself .

  34. kevin says:

    you are probably a frigid woman who needs to get out in the world more. broaden your circle of friends.KL

    1. Christian says:

      The "no speedos" part is very telling: someone's afraid of peepee-parts…

  35. DDG says:

    Pathetic hermit woman you are! you must be stuck at home in a fat chair hating on anything outside. Get over yourself bitch, most (normal) women think a speedo is perfectly fine.

  36. Daddy D says:

    I agree with everyone. Sounds like nothing would ever please you. Maybe the guy in the white T shirt is covering up his hairy back for you. Oh but wait… I forgot . Now you don't like T shirts!! Would it be best for everyone to stay off the beach for your sake? Question for you. What do you look like when you go to the beach. Because you better have a picture perfect scenario of yourself or you have no right to criticize anyone on what they wear to the beach!
    Something tells me that what you say here is because you don't look good when you go to the beach.So for your own self esteem… criticize everyone. That will make you feel much better. Get a life!

  37. Doug says:

    Speedos are great! I like a couple inches of crack showing at the top!

  38. Mike says:

    Wow…Katie (the author of this page) reaaaally seems like a total bitch…hey Katie, why don't you just list what you actually DO like, it'd be a much shorter blog…LOL. It must be really exhausting being so very narrow minded. Perhaps you should consider moving to someplace like Idaho, or maybe Kentucky…they don't even have beaches. LOL

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