We’ve All Been There: The Twin Extra Long

June 30, 2009 11:00 am     Posted in HaHa  Lauren - University of Michigan g+ page

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By Lauren

You’re in a sweaty basement playing beer pong. You and your partner – who you happened to pick up next to the keg – have finally been taken down. You chug the final four beers from the other side of the table and let the next team take their spots.

For the rest of the evening, you and cutie partner boy tell the tales of an awesome game…while rubbing each other’s backs and making flirty/inappropriate comments between beers. Before you know it, you’re outside on the driveway eating his face like he’s a giant slice of late night pizza. (Mmm, pizza.)

“Wanna go somewhere?” He asks.

“Obvi,” you answer as he’s grabbing your hand and leading you back to his place. You stumble down the street, making out at every stop sign and red light you encounter.  Soon you are back at his dorm which, thankfully, is a single. Also a single? His bed.

As you are setting your stuff on the floor, he grabs you and you make your way to the bed. There’s kissing, groping and a nearly unsuccessful go at your bra hooks. Things are going fine (great, even) until he attempts to get on top of you. You roll on your back when – SMACK – you hit the wall. You try to shimmy to your right a little bit but there’s nowhere to go. If you move another inch you’ll send him flying onto the floor.

“Ok, you go left and I’ll go right,” you explain. It takes a few tries (which look like something out of Circ-De-Soleil), but it finally works. He’s on top. You decide to stick in this formation for awhile to keep things simple, but as things heat up you forget about the spatial issues. Mid-passionate kiss, the boy makes it clear that he wants to switch things up a bit and before you know it, you’re grasping on his bicep so as not to fall out of the bed.

The boy pulls you back up, you laugh, and then things resume. Eventually (too soon, in your opinion), the lust-sesh is over and you doze off. He’s spooning you, which would be cute if your face wasn’t pressed into the wall. Or if your arm weren’t totally asleep with no opportunity of moving to wake it up a bit. You stir a bit, hoping to wake the boy up so you can both roll onto your backs, but he doesn’t budge. Not that there would be room for that anyway. You contemplate an escape plan.

There is no way you’re getting up and going home. But rolling over – thus becoming the big spoon – isn’t an option either. That would just be weird. But you have to do something; your arm is starting to tingle and you’re pretty sure your mouth is thisclose to what is surely lead paint on the walls.

When the boy lets out a loud snore, though, you realize you are stuck between a rock (hard body) and a hard (lead) place. So you close your eyes and wait for the booze to kick in and knock you out. If your arm can fall asleep, why can’t you?

Yeah, we’ve all been there. That is why we only date older men – they’ve got the big beds.

23 Comments on "We’ve All Been There: The Twin Extra Long"

  1. Chelsea says:
    Tue, 30th Jun 20097:07 am 

    So unfortunately true and accurate.

  2. sam says:
    Tue, 30th Jun 20097:18 am 

    sadly, the story of my boyfriend and i's sex life.

  3. Steph says:
    Tue, 30th Jun 20097:22 am 

    I only ever had problems on the twin-extra long bed with my ex that was 6'3 and 220ish. With my other ex and I spent a LOT of time in these not-100% comfy-beds and we almost never had a problem, even when we were drunk.

    Maybe we just got so used to maneuvering around on them?

  4. Oli says:
    Tue, 30th Jun 200910:40 am 

    lawl @ "obvi"

    . . .ah. . . "obvi" is a total deal breaker.

  5. Oli says:
    Tue, 30th Jun 200910:41 am 

    oh yes, and "lawl" in person . . . that should also count against someone.

    . . . maybe.

  6. Alyx says:
    Tue, 30th Jun 200910:42 am 

    Umm yeah, try twin bed that's lofted… It hurts a lot more to fall out of a bed that is six feet off the ground…

  7. Rozy says:
    Tue, 30th Jun 200910:51 am 

    Sounds like the time I lost my virginity, ha!

  8. beth says:
    Tue, 30th Jun 200910:53 am 

    HAHA Andy- I was just going to say that if anyone said "obvi" to me, I'd seriously consider pushing him/her down the stairs. haha.

    On a more serious note, the twin bed thing does suck. Horribly. Thank God we moved up to a king.

  9. Ricki says:
    Tue, 30th Jun 200912:26 pm 

    This is basically the story of my life.

    I don't understand how two people can sleep squished together…I need my space

  10. andy says:
    Tue, 30th Jun 20093:31 pm 

    ha me and my bf have been sleeping on a twin together for the past 2 years. Last week he finally moved up to a queen and it is AMAZING. I never want to get out of that bed.

    P.S. I have never met a person that uses the word “obvi” seriously and if you do you’re a douch(ette)

  11. Leah says:
    Tue, 30th Jun 20093:14 pm 

    Try an single (aka smaller than a twin) bed. The extra long, or even the normal twin will feel like heaven.

  12. Candie says:
    Tue, 30th Jun 20095:41 pm 

    It's spelled "cirque du soleil"

  13. Britt says:
    Tue, 30th Jun 20095:45 pm 

    That has happened to me too many times!

  14. Sam says:
    Tue, 30th Jun 20096:19 pm 

    My boy and I tried doing this on my old dorm bed, and when he would spend the night, it was terrible. We're both so happy I got my own apartment and thus a bed upgrade.

  15. Dixi Normous says:
    Thu, 9th Jul 20094:54 am 

    It's "Douchebaguette"

  16. Francoise says:
    Thu, 9th Jul 200910:47 am 

    Funny…and so true. Well, the other option would be just wriggle your way out, throw on the (wrinkled) clothes and run out of there…or the walk of shame will be doubly bad, considering the lack of proper sleep AND the pillow crease caused by the immobility of that kind of sleeping position.

  17. ellear says:
    Fri, 10th Jul 20092:26 am 

    I lived off campus in my own apartment as an undergrad so I never got to experience the joys of the twin xl, but my first boyfriend had a twin bed in his offcampus apartment. Verrrry uncomfortable, so I know the feeling.

  18. Brittney says:
    Sat, 11th Jul 20096:58 pm 

    This article is so true… reminds me of awkward times. ha.

  19. Alice says:
    Tue, 29th Sep 20097:32 pm 

    I would punch a person that used "obvi". Same goes for "totes".

    My sex life has been pretty confined to single beds, not even twin XL. But maybe it's because neither of us are big people and both of are fairly limber that it's perfectly fine. We find more than enough room and I like to snuggle close.

    That said, I would still like to upgrade to a queen.

  20. Trickz says:
    Tue, 13th Mar 20121:46 am 

    Edmond: cuts to the crap Bitch You A Cyborg. Jun: WHAT THE FUCK -BOOOOOOM- Or at least, that’s how I see it. XPJun is flippen hot. I’d hit that. Even tuhgoh I’m Lesbo.

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