Why You Should…Get Married Right Now

Originally, I was going to write an empowering and witty article about all the physical and mental benefits of being single.  Then I started my research and found…there were none.  Seriously.  Every study points in exactly the opposite direction.  Apparently, the healthiest thing we can do is get married.  Like, immediately.

Not gonna lie, I was kinda disappointed when I found out.  But then I reconsidered…maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to get married right now, especially considering all these health benefits.  I could even print out the list and slap it down on the desk of that gorgeous guy in my photography class, saying “Eh? Eh? C’mon, it’s healthy.”  He won’t be able to resist, obviously.

In case you plan on executing a ninja-style attack on a cute guy like I do (that is, in fact, how I pick up all my boyfriends), I’ve made you a handy-dandy list of reasons to print out and share with your friends and crushes.  So here you go – all the reasons and benefits of getting married NOW!

Decreased Risk of Alzheimers/Dementia – Your risk of developing alzheimers, dementia, or any sort of cognitive impairment is halved when you’re married (compared to if you are single, divorced, separated or widowed).  Can’t argue with that…or, actually, you can ’cause you’ll be married and still have all your cognitive thought processes in place.

More Money – If you’re a modern woman, you’ve probably thrown a few bucks into the pot when you’re out on a date.  It’s just polite and what’s a few nights of paying for dessert or drinks gonna hurt?  Well, your bank account, for one (or at least mine).  When you’re married, you’ll have a larger pot to pull from and will therefore be able to save a lot more, too.

Less Smoking/Drinking – When you get married, you’ll obviously spend way less time at the bars because you’ll have already snagged yourself a winner.  This means less drinking and smoking (supposedly).  Also, there will be less Bridget Jones-esque nights spent on your couch in your flannels, drowning your sorrows in tobacco and wine while watching the Lifetime network (again, supposedly).

More (Safe) Sex – Assuming your ninja attack on the hottie who sits behind you in class works out, you’ll have free reign on bedroom fun time.  Who could resist?  Also, you’ll be doing less of the skanking-it-up-at-the-bar move (hopefully), which means less of  chance to catch herpes and whatnot while still getting laid on a regular basis. Win!

Less Physical Pain – If you’re married, you tend to suffer less from back pain and headaches. Awesome!  I’m assuming this is because your husband will do all the heavy lifting for you while moving into your new dorm room in the fall.  Also, they can take your finals for you because you will be legally one person.  So many benefits, it’s almost like having a personal assistant (or EXACTLY like having a personal assistant!).