Really Special Olympics: The Strongest Vajay
Regardless of whether the summer Olympics actually occurred that particular year, my friends and I always held our own version. The long days were filled with events like Marathon Skip-It, Cartwheel Competitions, and random interpretations of Presidential Fitness tests. However, while we Americans were seeing how many Oreos can fit in our mouths, some Russian chick was spending 13 hours a day training for her own special event…which is vagina strength (just like the real Olympics…sort of).
Tatiata Kozhevnikova, a 42-year-old Russian woman, is the proud holder of the world’s strongest vagina. The mind boggles with questions. How do you go about strengthening your vagina? Are there specific vagina weights? A vagina class at your local gym (um, THAT’S an awkward, sweaty hour…)? Maybe there are secret vagina workout DVDs that I never knew about…
It turns out Tatiata was depressed about her floppy vag after having a baby, so she did some reading on how to tighten things back up down there (natch). After finding out that ancient women used to use wooden balls (don’t even get me started on the splinters) to *ahem* exercise, Tatiata found a glass ball and shoved it on up there. Thus, her career was launched and she can now lift over 30 lbs with pure vagoo power.
There are so many questions I have for this lady…
If she can lift over 30 lbs with her vagina, how does the sexy time work? Wouldn’t she just demolish any penis she encounters? Is there muscle definition down there, like a six pack? Also, does a strong vadge mean a super strong bladder, devoid of that pesky “breaking the seal” problem?
There is a video of her amazing crotch powers and I don’t know what I’m more disturbed by, her ability to swing a string of glass balls from her vagina with a smile on her face or her gold lame pant suit with matching wedge heels. I guess the only way to get my questions answered (and impress my friends at the same time ) is to strap on a metallic pant suit and grab a glass ball or two. You’re welcome, future boyfriends.