We’ve All Been There: Decoding His Words

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decoding text message

So you met a boy. A perfect boy. A boy who loves True Life marathons and Frosted Mini Wheats as much as you do. A boy who kissed you on the cheek after walking you home and took your number (instead of drunk-friending you on Facebook). You totally heart him.

After coming in the house and telling your roommates all about how sweet and funny and “OMG he was wearing the hottest jeans,” you lay in bed thinking about him. And make a mental note to get a bikini wax ASAP, because you will most definitely be seeing him (in the buff) sometime soon.

You spend the next day clutching your phone, willing it to ring. You take it to the library, the gym and even into the bathroom. You jump every time the phone rings and mentally prepare yourself to turn on the charm, only to realize it’s a friend or, of course, your mom. Finally, you receive a text message:

Hungover in the library. Not fun :(

OMG OMG OMG. You run – no, skip – to your friend and show her the text.

“Aw, he totally hearts you!” She says. You blush, excited that someone else thinks this is a good thing, too.

“What should I say back?!” You spend the next 10 minutes crafting the perfect response: witty and cute without looking like you spent 10 minutes coming up with it.

You should try hungover on a treadmill.

You hit send then sit with your friend as you wait for a response. A few minutes go by. Then another few minutes. You start getting impatient, worried.

“What if he meant to send that to someone else? I know he’s got his phone with him – why isn’t he responding? Do you think he thinks I’m an alcoholic? I shouldn’t have responded so quickly. Oh god, he hates me.”

Your friend reassures you that you are being crazy, that he wouldn’t have texted you if he hated you and that he’s probably just doing something else. But you don’t believe her; she has to say those things. You want chocolate.

Finally, the familiar text alert rings from your phone. You flip it open quickly and there’s a message from the boy.

This is bad enough. I wish someone would bring me a Gatorade.

“What do you think that means?!” You ask your friend. “Does he want me to bring him a Gatorade? Should I be cute and bring him a Gatorade? What flavor do you think he likes? If there was a winky or smiley face I’d know he was asking me to bring him one…”

“Yeah, if there was a wink I’d think that would mean he’s asking you. Maybe he’s just making small talk.”  Your friend reasons. You IM another friend, give her a brief summary of what’s going on (including what the texts said word for word) and ask her opinion. She agrees that it’s small talk, that you should not go visit him with a variety of Gatorade flavors and that he’s just being cute and chatty with you.

“Yeah. Ok, what should I say back?” You spend another few minutes (longer than you usually spend answering a Blue Book question) working on a response. It is the perfect blend of flirty and cute, topped off with a smiley (obvs).

And then you wait for his response once again.
This goes on all day: read, evaluate (“do you think he really LOLed?”), contemplate, respond.

Yeah, we’ve all been there. You’re not the only one trying to decode the boys.

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