Body of Lies: Keep The Clothes On, Dudes

July 18, 2009     Posted in Buzz, HaHa

Some people were just meant to be naked.  They worked hard on their bodies (or were blessed by some freak chance of natural awesomeness) and I won’t stand in their way of presenting perfection to the world.  Hell, I always say that if I had the goods, I’d be showing ‘em off, too.  However, there’s a reason I’m not showing my “goods” to anyone.  Some people just look better with clothes ON.  Like me.  And these dudes:


By Katie

Leonardo DiCaprio.

dicaprioshirton dicaprioshirtless

The man is smoldering on the red carpet…and pretty much everywhere else you find him with clothes on.  However, the beach (and we’re not talking the movie)?  Leo is a bit heavy on the man boobs and whatnot.  He should stick to the jeans + tee shirt rule at the very least.

Daniel Radcliff

radcliffeshirton radcliffeshirtless

Everyone’s favorite wizard is a bonafide cutie patootie.  He’s got the eyes, the hair, the smile, and the accent to pull any girl he likes – but watch out!  The minute Daniel strips down, you better put on some shades because that kid is paler than I am.  Yes, he’s got a pretty sweet body from all those nude plays and Harry Potter fight sequences, but you won’t be able to see it beyond the glare his freakishly white skin produces.

Chris Noth

nothshirton nothshirtless

Oh, Mr. Big.  Just like Carrie, I have a love/hate relationship with you.  I love when you wear deliciously tailored suits and crack a smug smile or two.  I hate when you take your clothes off and obliterate any sexy time imaginings I may have been having about you.  Put the gut away – you look too sexy in clothes to be seen without any.

Pierce Brosnan

brosnanshirton brosnanshirtless

James Bond = Sex.  That’s just the way it goes.  Any 007 is pure sex walking around in a Gucci suit or whatever he feels like pulling off at that moment.  They can wear anything and I’ll be all over it (well, not literally…stupid restraining orders).  When they wear nothing, even better – oh wait, no.  Not true.  Throw a shirt over that thick mass of gray chest hair, please, Pierce.

Steven Tyler

tylershirton tylershirtless

As a rock legend, Steven Tyler has been workin’ it for decades.  He’s the original hipster, rolling with the skinny  jeans and scarves.  He represents the epitome of rock and roll and all the strange and fascinating fashion choices that come with that title.  He’s also really skinny and kind of scary looking without any clothes on.  Really scary.  The word “skeletor” comes to mind.

Russell Crowe

croweshirton russell-crowe-beach-1289-6.preview

I love my gladiator sandals, but a real gladiator…now that I could get on board with.  Who didn’t want to be locked up with Russell Crowe, wearing a toga and some sweet sandals?  The man is cut…sort of.  Well, he was, anyway.  Now he’s in need of some serious Man Spanxx and clothing at all times.  And even he thinks so – he won’t be seen without a shirt anywhere. Way to be considerate, Russy.

Val Kilmer

kilmershirton kilmershirtless

If you can make a suit of black spandex, latex, and a cape look good (especially when you throw a pair of bat ears on top), then you deserve the title of “sexy pants.”  Val Kilmer has shown us over and over again why we adore him.  Unfortunately, when he goes out without his clothes on, he also gives us reason to team up with The Riddler to take him down.

27 Comments on "Body of Lies: Keep The Clothes On, Dudes"

  1. Courtney says:
    Sat, 18th Jul 200911:57 am 

    All but 2 images are broken.

  2. Alicia says:
    Sat, 18th Jul 20091:32 pm 

    yeah most of them are not there. and i wanna to see lol

  3. Vicki says:
    Sat, 18th Jul 20095:24 pm 

    See, the thing is that a majority of these guys are now past their prime, and are most widely known for roles they played when they were younger and probably more fit. I am sure that 20/30 years from now, todays hot studs will look a lot like that.

  4. Joe says:
    Sun, 19th Jul 20098:26 am 

    Let them take their shirts off! Reasons?

    1. Most of the pictures from the beach. Of course they are going to take off their shirts. Would you rather see them in one-piece?

    2. Alot of the guys are middle aged men who probably have more things to think about than shaving their manginas.

    3. They don't need to do anything to impress anyone. They will be more successful than most people (like the author) can dream of.

    4. I say lay off the hate because you've become a slave by-product of your own ideals on absurd superficial perfection.

  5. Chelzz says:
    Mon, 20th Jul 20097:22 am 

    Val Kilmer….Val Kilmer…..???

  6. Sarah says:
    Mon, 20th Jul 20098:11 am 

    I see no such man-boobs on Leo. I demand that you take it back.

    http://tengossip.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/l…

    And who cares if he has a little belly? He's 34 and ADORABLE.

  7. Alicia says:
    Mon, 20th Jul 20091:30 pm 

    Sarah – I completely agree with you. :D

  8. Laura says:
    Mon, 20th Jul 20097:45 pm 

    They all look pretty normal to me..

  9. Shandi says:
    Mon, 20th Jul 200911:31 pm 

    The funny thing is, once you get to that level of success and more importantly, that level of MONEY, you could literally bang any girl in the world that you want despite what kind of physical shape you are in. They don't have to give a shit about what they look like. They can just walk up to any girl they want and end up sleeping with them and all you girls know that is true.

    What incentive do they have to stay in great shape? They have none. If they can get laid without any extra work to stay in great shape by the hottest girls in the world, I doubt they are losing sleep over this little article.

  10. sauer kraut says:
    Tue, 21st Jul 20099:07 am 

    Steven Tyler is uglier in real life than he is in pictures. Dude is like what… 75?

  11. Meg says:
    Tue, 21st Jul 20097:49 pm 

    DanRad looks fine, so what if he’s pale, and what if Leo has a bit of a pudge? I’d rather have an intelligent guy who is pale or has normal body than some tan, cut, douche-bag.

  12. Mariya says:
    Wed, 22nd Jul 20094:10 pm 

    @Joe and Shandi – i second both of you!!

  13. Lindsay- University says:
    Wed, 22nd Jul 20094:34 pm 

    Shandi: Didn't you go psycho and scream on the article about the purity myth that a book discussing a woman's sexual activities was promoting whorish activity? And now here you are, saying that these men can sleep with any girl they want cuz they have MONEY and FAME. Wow. I think you, my friend, are an example of a whore. Who would sleep with someone because they have money and fame. Good job.

  14. Laurel says:
    Thu, 23rd Jul 20093:58 pm 

    I think Chris Noth looks just fine. Big. Warm. Cuddly. Sexy. The kind you can imagine snuggling up to after sex. I'd take him over scrawny Tyler or our favourite wizard any day. He's got a man's body. Not an underage boy's.

  15. WhyMyHere says:
    Tue, 28th Jul 200910:08 am 

    Yes, they are middle aged men and these are middle-aged bodes. This is what happens to all of us, kids ;)

  16. Winona says:
    Mon, 3rd Aug 20091:55 pm 

    I think this article was really bitchy. Way to make fun of peoples bodies.

    How would you like it if people made fun of you if you were heavy, or had small tits, or a huge clit?

  17. thegnu says:
    Tue, 11th Aug 20097:27 am 

    I do think if some dude put up a blog of "disgusting women" who should keep their clothes on, their would be a pretty big backlash. I was in an art gallery where the artist had chosen to paint larger people. The middle-aged woman next to me made a comment about how tiny this fat older guy's penis must be, and she laughed derisively. I can't help thinking that if I had walked up to that same woman looking at a painting of a fat woman, and pointed out how bad her vagina must smell, she would've gotten upset.

    Plus, these people are all well within their healthy weight ranges, and none of them are unreasonably unfit. Way to promote unhealthy body image. You're really doing your part.

  18. colored_gal says:
    Wed, 12th Aug 20093:16 pm 

    I agree with thegnu! Everybody is demanding PC when it comes to their own group, but it is open season on everyone else. None of the men in these pictures are naked anyway. They appear to be swimming or on the beach. Whoever this Katie at Michigan State is, she has no legitimate greivance against any of these men, and she is just being an A-hole.

  19. cisco96 says:
    Thu, 13th Aug 200911:28 am 

    my Eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. Magali says:
    Mon, 17th Aug 20096:27 am 

    I wish I had the self confidence of a 50 year old man with man boobs, a bear gut, and a bald head.

  21. lyla says:
    Sat, 22nd Aug 200910:27 am 

    steven tyler is alrighttttt with me

  22. Doctorset says:
    Fri, 20th Nov 20095:18 pm 

    This is the welcome page for the dentaldoctor.us Association web site.

  23. Daria says:
    Sun, 21st Feb 20107:45 am 

    I like Leonardo Dicaprio best. I found lots of nice pics of him at http://leonardo-dicaprio.fullmoviereview.com/phot…

  24. Nevaeh Green says:
    Sun, 4th Jul 20107:45 am 

    Val Kilmer is quite an old man today but he is still a great actor and handsome guy.";.

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