Weekly Ten: The 10 Types of Guys at the Party

Every Monday, CollegeCandy does a top ten countdown, Letterman style, about whatever everyone’s buzzing about. This week, we’ve decided to dissect the party animals we’ve all come to know and….well, just know.

We’ve all been at the sticky-floored keggers, so here’s a rundown of the ten types of dudes you’ll find at these parties. Every single party. Every single time.  Print this out and bring it to the next frat/house party to check these guys off as you see them. You can even turn it into a drinking game, taking shots as they pass. Although, on second thought, that might be a one-way ticket to alcohol poisoning.

10. The Loner Stoner
Sometimes accompanied by a few of their kind, this person will continually ask for weed (even when he has it the whole time) and the only goal of the night, despite the party going on around him, is to get baked, blast music and maybe flick on the TV to catch some “Planet Earth.” They want everyone to just “chill out” and usually get into arguments about why pot is so much better/healthier/just totally sweet compared to alcohol.

9. “NEEDS” to get laid guy
He’s only here for one reason: He. Wants. Ass. He’ll hit on you, all your friends and pretty much anyone with a set of boobs. If no one responds to this predator, he’ll complain loudly that all the girls at the party are ugly and lame and will proceed to text every female in his phone. Avoid like the plague. Pro? He’ll buy your drinks. Con? He won’t leave you alone until you go home with him. Where you’ll probably catch something.

8. Donnie Downer
Moping and clutching a microbrew. Just try and start a conversation with this guy that doesn’t turn into something about how terrible his week is or some awful tragedy in the news. He’s also most likely bitching about the music and secretly wishing someone would put on some Bright Eyes. Points if you get him to admit he likes Brand New.

7. Game Runner
This guy is super serial about beer bong, flip cup, or whatever card game is on. He is the self-proclaimed BEST at all games involving cheap beer and Solo cups. When he wins, everyone knows. When he loses, he’ll blame his teammates. He is el capitano and is definitely the one that started that absurd “beer pong sign up sheet.” Statements of note: “I play way better when I’m drunk,” “This one time, me and my buddy were playing pong,” “This one time, I was playing flip cup.” Yeah, you can see where this is going.

6. Booze Hound
He might be sneaky about it, but this kid will put away every drop of alcohol given the opportunity. It might not even show, but the twelve pack that you bought? Gone. The handle of vodka in the freezer? Disappeared. The keg? Empty. His thirst for booze is never quenched. Bonus? Always down for shots. Hell yeah!

5. Couch Potato
Anti social, pretending to text people when he’s really just checking baseball stats on his iPhone, permanently glued to the couch and only speaking when spoken to? Yup, that’s the party couch potato. He’ll drink his face off with the best of us, provided he doesn’t have to move. Even if he may or may not be interesting, his shyness and social ineptness is often mistaken for mystery.

4. The Douche
Drunk and disorderly, the Douche is usually spotted with his hand on some girl’s ass, brawling in the street, shouting obscenities at everyone who walks in, or simply breaking everything in sight. Usually not the best person to send a Facebook invite to when you’re hosting a luau, unless you want a knife fight in leis.

3. Chain smoker
“Does anyone want to go outside for a cigarette with me?” And then proceed to smoke two packs in under an hour? Blech.

2. Social whore
Immediately friends everyone he meets at a party on Facebook. Points if he adds you on his Blackberry the moment he meets you. He knows “EVERYONE” and the “entire hockey/lacrosse/football team are at his parties.” Generally harmless, but don’t be fooled – he is just as much your best friend as he is everyone else’s.

1. “That Guy”
Embodies all of the above and brings it to the most obnoxious level possible. Sweating through his polo and yelling profanities, “that guy” will manage to drink all the booze, get thrown out of multiple bars/parties, hit on every girl using ridiculous pick up lines, chain smoke someone else’s cigarettes, take huge bong hits, mess up the flip cup game, somehow control both the music and TV, break bottles and finally pass out in his own vomit after attempting to chug the contents of a ketchup bottle, believing it to be vodka. Props if you go home with “that guy.” Babysitting experience is a must.

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie