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Single. And Loving It.
July 24, 2009 Posted in Advice, Relationships
I know where you are right now, Little Miss Single. Because I used to be there, too. You’re sad you don’t have a boyfriend. Your friends are going on double and triple dates, and you’re still sitting by your phone waiting for your last ditch effort at romance to call. But why is a boyfriend so essential? For as progressive and liberal we like to think we are as a society, it seems our love for single people is limited to “Sex and the City.” Sure, it’s cool when fictional characters do it, but let’s call it for what it is; it seems like the single gal in the group is usually pitied or looked down upon.
I’ve had friends tell me things ranging from, “It’s okay…you’ll be happy one day” (because obviously the only way to be happy is to get a man) to “I’m sick of defending your slutty ways” (awww you’re such a sweet friend). Why does casual dating get such a bad rap? It’s not like I go out every Friday night in a hot pink tube dress and ride a mechanical bull until a group of frat boys takes me home for a gang bang. Well, not every Friday, anyways.
Moving on…
I’m freaking here to say it: dating is healthy! No matter what the larger part of society thinks, it is not pathetic and it is not slutty. I am 21, I am in college, I am a progressive and (please don’t read this part, dad) sexual woman. And yeah, sometimes it sucks. I don’t usually have guys to just stay in and watch movies with. I’m often the third or fifth or seventh wheel when I go out with groups of friends. I haven’t gotten close enough to a guy to tell him about my insane fear of getting close to a guy. But you know what? I ain’t going to push it. It’s either going to happen, or it’s not. I refuse to grab an anonymous twenty something male off the street because I’m tired of being lonely. I’ve seen too many of my friends settle for guys just because they wanted a date to a Christmas party, and then wind up with an unfulfilling boyfriend who is obsessed with Nickleback two years later. Yeah, talk about a dud.
I’d also like to point out that beyond it being healthy, dating is really, really freaking fun. Once you get over the obsession of turning every single guy who buys you a drink into the love of your life, you realize the non romantic benefits of the single life. You get to hone your flirting skills. You get to meet new people, and decide what you hate about them. You get hi-larious stories that your coupled friends are definitely jealous of (if they deny this, that just means they are BEYOND jealous). And most importantly, you get to discover an amazing range of things about who you are and what you want out of life (besides free drinks and a steamy make out session, I mean). I’ve always been the type of person with an insane lust for adventure and experience; the single life, for the time being, satiates that better than any relationship ever could!
I don’t care if I have a boyfriend anymore. You see, somewhere between finishing a 6 pack of fat free pudding and spending my last $200 dollars on shoes as a form of therapy, I realized something: I’m not good at relationships. And since my reproductive organs are not about to give way anytime soon, there’s no reason I have to force myself to be. Am I probably doing something completely wrong in my relationships with men? Yeeeeeah. But the best way to fix that is through actually learning about myself, what I want, and who I want. Not forcing myself to enter a conventional relationship because all the cool kids are doing it; that’s no way to really learn how to love. Relationships are hard work! They take all sorts of time, and energy, and minutes on your cell phone plan. And while I’d be willing to go over my monthly texts and then some for Mr. Right, I’m not going to go through that BS for Mr. Not That Into Me, Mr. IQ in The Double Digits, or Mr. Personality of a Rock.
Being the perpetual single friend has actually done quite a bit to shape my personality, my outlook on life, and my own personal growth. Why be so hasty to do away with something that makes me who I am? I don’t see it as a blessing or a curse; it’s simply a state of being. The Buddhists tell you that if you end desire, you will end suffering. I am willing to take this pearl of wisdom when it comes to dating…just not when it comes to lusting after Marc Jacobs’ new fall line.
So break the misconception! Instead of being “sad, mopey” single friend, embrace being the “awesome stories, awesome experiences, awesome outlook” single friend. Call it what you will, but it’s certainly a better survival mechanism.
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rach says:
Fri, 24th Jul 200911:27 am
amen sister!
i am newly single and i'm ok with it. i hate that some people make you feel like your life wont be complete without a man in it. luckily i am surrounded by smart independent women in my office (cause lord knows my friends dont think like i do) who reinforce this for me.
Melanie - Northeaste says:
Fri, 24th Jul 200911:38 am
Inspiring. Love it.
E says:
Fri, 24th Jul 200911:43 am
Great read.
S says:
Fri, 24th Jul 20092:32 pm
ditto. i can finally relate
sammie says:
Fri, 24th Jul 20094:26 pm
thank you!! i've been single for almost a year now, and this is just what i needed to read.
bianca says:
Fri, 24th Jul 20094:28 pm
it's good to read this and not just "you need a man to be happy." being single isn't my problem-i've been single for a little over a year, and my problem is that i have no idea how to do the whole dating thing-me+dating just doesn't really happen. any advice?
Beth says:
Fri, 24th Jul 20095:27 pm
I've been single for two years, and this is the first "being single" article that's made me feel better after reading it. Thank you.
Dannia says:
Fri, 24th Jul 20095:46 pm
Thanks for the love guys!
Bianca- dating is definitely a pain sometimes. but the best advice I can give is…treat it the way you treat starting a new friendship. You meet someone who sparks your interest and you have things in common with, you get to know them…and either you get closer or you don't. It doesn't have to be that formal, dinner-and-movie deal. Just keep it casual and remember…all you're really doing is getting to know a new person.
Beth says:
Fri, 24th Jul 20096:39 pm
I agree 100%. I've been single all my life (yep, that's right, 20 and never had a boyfriend. Or even a real date. Pathetic sounding, huh?) and I'm OK with it. That's not to say if the right guy comes along I won't take the opportunity, but for now, I like having 'me' time and I like being about to go out and hang out with my friends without worrying about someone else. And I'm not going to whine about how I don't have a boyfriend and my life sucks-I know it'll happen eventually. And I'm OK with that.
Of course, that doesn't mean I'm not completely terrified I'll turn into a crazy cat lady, LOL.
Erin says:
Fri, 24th Jul 20097:23 pm
Dannia- What a bunch of horseshit. The reason why you don't want a boyfriend and fear getting close to a guy, is because of your terrible relationship with your father. What happened with your father growing up? You need to seek treatment to get the issues with your father straightened out before you are ready for a boyfriend. Until you can get over this issue, you will continue to live a life of sin and the future is bleak for you. Seek help.
Heather says:
Fri, 24th Jul 200910:55 pm
Erin – I think youre the one that needs to seek help. LoL.
grace b says:
Sat, 25th Jul 20094:28 am
THANK YOU! For writing this. You explained exactly how I feel as a single gal. I'm sending this to all my single friends. And putting it in my favorites so I can read when all my friends are out on dates.
Bravo!!!
Erin says:
Sat, 25th Jul 20094:28 am
Heather- You are the opposite of right. That is to say…..WRONG!!!! She fears getting close to guys because she had a terrible relationship with her father. She doesn't explain what went wrong with her relationship with her father in the article, but there are some serious issues from her childhood with her dad that she needs to address. That is why she feels the way she does. Seek help and treatment ASAP.
HL says:
Sat, 25th Jul 20095:49 am
Erin, why are you pointing this out on a public forum? I really doubt the author wanted a bunch of strangers on the internet to know about any childhood problems she may have had. I sure wouldn't.
Winston says:
Sat, 25th Jul 20098:30 am
Plot twist: Erin IS her father.
oobunillaoo says:
Sat, 25th Jul 20098:59 am
@ erin – pretty sure judging someone to the extent you have is considered a sin as well. maybe think before you judge/sin/post?
Jenny says:
Sat, 25th Jul 20091:19 pm
Erin: Oh, dear. Freudian psychology went out of style ages ago.
Dannia, I want to thank you for posting this. Although I am not single, my best friend is, and she is still having a difficult time accepting her new status. I'm going to link her to this article.
tasha says:
Sat, 25th Jul 20097:35 pm
guys seriously lets stop the arguing. Its a good article, and I do agree with erin that hooking up is sinful. That is true for my own personal beliefs and morals. However, I dont think the parental issues things should be brought up on a public forum. Let's just focus on the writing and all, ok?
Dannia says:
Sun, 26th Jul 200912:29 pm
(My dad hugged me daily, never missed a dance recital, and we still have hour long chats on the phone. Try another theory)
Erin says:
Sun, 26th Jul 200911:49 pm
Ok that rules out abuse from your dad.
What happened with a family relative when you were younger? Or, it might have been another child/student growing up. There are some issues in your past which have made you fear getting close to a guy that need to be addressed. If you don't want to admit it on here, just make sure you seek help and treatment to help these unresolved issues from your childhood. These intimacy issues you have are not normal and they can be helped.
Darwin says:
Mon, 27th Jul 20095:01 am
Yeesh, I wouldn't look too deep into "intimacy issues." Some people have stages or phases. Maybe right now might not be the time to get into a relationship because someone decent hasn't come along to get you to get past those issues with closeness.
One day we can be into dating or even be cool with flying completely solo, then maybe the next you're really into finding someone to settle down with.
Sounds great to enjoy being single as much as being in a relationship. They all have their positives (You girls are so lucky to have that power of persuasion to get free drinks at the bar).
Dude who like giving says:
Mon, 27th Jul 20097:13 am
We know…
We know the girls that like hooking up…we like them…we give them just enough attention to get in to bed with these girls. We might even enter a relationship with the "sexually liberal girl" (read:slut) but we wont be serious, we will put 0 effort in to the relationship or just enough to get laid.
There is no respect for these girls, and as soon as something better comes around we are gone!! Most men are disgusted by sluts, but hey pussy is pussy!
We look for the other girl…the one does not jerk us off on the first date, then give us a blowjob and let us stick it in her bum 4 hours after first meeting us. The girl that will give us the chase, and through that chase gain our respect. The girl that didnt have meaningless drunken sex with strangers every other party she went to.
How can you discover yourself sexually through drunken one night stands!? Its a stupid thing people say to make themselves feel better. You really cant….now if you where in a relationships with a few guys….a few partners you felt completely comfortable with exploring the world of sex….well that way you will learn a lot more about your sexuality then from that one night stand who had wiskey dick.
And im gona leave you with some advice
Act dress moderately slutty, flirt and all of that…..but hold of on sex give us the chase and it will pay off. And if the guy all of a sudden decides not to chase…well he was not that interested in you anyways
HAILEY says:
Mon, 27th Jul 20093:08 pm
Hello? Yes, I guess everything you said is true, but "dating" frequently does NOT automatically equal "one night stands". I don't know why forum-posters feel free to jump to conclusions about the author's intentions – or her personal life with her family/peer/what-have-you (psycho). For Dannia to say that she's a "progressive, sexual" woman does not mean that's a "slutty" woman who constantly gives blow jobs and has butt sex. Who are you to judge this? It means that yes, she has hormones, like any normal woman does, but instead of pushing a conventional relationship, she chooses to meet a variety of men. Just because a girl is living the "single life" does not mean that she's a "whore". (And by the way, it is a sickening double standard to say "pussy is pussy" – aka it's COMPLETELY acceptable for a boy to be a man whore, but dear Lord, "a SEXUAL woman is definitely a SLUT")
HAILEY says:
Mon, 27th Jul 20093:16 pm
and I actually must take back the first line of my post – because everything you said is not at all true. Sometimes I am too nice. What you wrote is sexist and wrong.
Joe the Drunk says:
Mon, 27th Jul 20095:48 pm
does dating = fucking?
Dude who like giving says:
Tue, 28th Jul 20096:02 am
I was using extremes to illustrate a point, I had no intention to imply the author was slutty. I am simply giving
Its not a double standard, a whore is a whore a slut is a slut regardless of gender. I am not saying don't have sex, im just saying be picky and make the guy work for it.
What i wrote is not sexist, it is reality. Guys will judge you based on your behavior, just as you will judge guys based on theirs.
sauer kraut says:
Tue, 28th Jul 200910:08 am
Erin?? Live a life of sin? Good lord… bet you are the first to reach for the vibrator late at night. …
Sunday says:
Tue, 28th Jul 20091:04 pm
loved this article…nothing wrong with having fun..
but why is everyone stating how long they've been single for?
"I've been single for 1 year now…6 months single…2 years.."
Sounds like an AA meeting..it's funny but sort of sad like we all need a boyfriend fix and are trying to kick the habit
Michelle says:
Wed, 29th Jul 200912:15 pm
Hallelujah! Great article Dannia, I can't tell you how many times I have preached the same thing to my single friends! It seems like 20 somethings these days have forgotten the real meaning of "dating"
I recently came across this refreshing little ditty about what it means to really date and thought I would share it. I can't take credit for it, it's from http://www.leftos.com/opinion/view/344 but it totally agrees with what you said- thank heaven for another smart, single sistah!
"For some reason, my generation has grown confused about the true meaning of "dating." It has turned into a one man/woman show after only spending a little bit of time together. Don't get me wrong, I am all for exclusivity when it comes to relationships, BUT the purpose of dating is to shop around a bit to FIND the person that you want to end up in the relationship with.
Let's stop putting the cart before the horse. Date multiple people, and get to know who they are and what you want before you commit to only "dating" one person."
Michelle says:
Wed, 29th Jul 200912:20 pm
PS: Erin, dear, please stop commenting now. No one wants to waste any more time sorting through your comments; let those of us enjoying the article and the fantastic writing do so in peace.
Tyler Durden says:
Sun, 2nd Aug 20099:45 am
How the fuck did I get here?
I googled "hot single women in need of some good lovin" and got this tranny's blog.
morgan says:
Fri, 7th Aug 20096:26 am
thank you for this, i'm new in town and i haven't dated in a while and i really needed to read something like this to remind me that it's ok that i'm single and have fun with it.
k says:
Wed, 12th Aug 20096:39 pm
haha my favorite line-
"And while I’d be willing to go over my monthly texts and then some for Mr. Right, I’m not going to go through that BS for Mr. Not That Into Me, Mr. IQ in The Double Digits, or Mr. Personality of a Rock."
li says:
Wed, 26th Aug 20096:46 pm
wow, great read. made me feel better! thank you.
Ms P says:
Sun, 6th Sep 20092:30 am
U idiots tht dnt like ths ar sad arses.. i kno it tuchd eachone of yals in a way!!! and wena Erin i bet ur dad is sexually abusin u at ths point of time.. we will pray for u!!! kana is it ur fat mum abusin u??? do share it with us sad one!!! bet uv ben single for more then 10years and its eatin u.. kana u were js the sad geek at skol??