Introducing: The Best. Workout. Ever.

I am a master at justifying bad decisions.  For example, when I eat a delicious bacon, egg, and cheese on bagel sandwich, I focus on the healthy level of protein I’m getting, not the massive amounts of calories/fat/grease.

When I choose to do an extra couple shots instead of leaving a party and end up making out with that creepy guy who didn’t talk to anyone all night, I prefer to think that I’ve done a public service and this guy will hopefully come out of his shell and be more sociable from now on (and hopefully not stalk me).

Finally, since I don’t exercise in a traditional manner (i.e. don’t exercise at all…), I end up counting any and all physical activities as exercise.  Like walking to the train station. Or shopping.

Or sex.

Well, apparently someone else is on the same page as I am.  A fantastically provocative exercise tool called the Shake Weight has debuted, prompting women all over the planet to ask the same question:  can’t I get the same effect for free?  AND please my man?

Let’s just say it out loud…this machine is a simulated handjob.  And a pretty violent handjob at that.  Why not just roll up your sleeves and go to town on your man for “just six minutes a day” if you want lean, toned arms?  I mean, if we wanted to roll with this, we could create a blowjob machine that promises plumper, fuller lips and a defined jawbone.  Or a sex machine that will give you firm abs and a chiseled ass.

Ladies, save your $19.95 (+ shipping and handling, of course) and just go get freaky.  You’ll have fun and tone up at the same time (I’m sure).  If you’re really good at it, head down to the corner and you might even get paid.  Beats paying for the Shake Weight (creepiest exercise machine ever)!