Let’s Put An End To These Fashion Faux Pas!

So. Tempted. To. Give. Wedgie.

By now, we’re all familiar with the fashion atrocities committed by the male population.  No, sweaty dude, that mesh tank top does not look good on you.  Or anyone, really.  But women are not free from errors – actually, considering our traditional involvement with fashion, we make rather more mistakes.

In fact, that is the entire reason I read People magazine – the photo spreads that come out after major awards shows are priceless.  I mean, these celebrities have stylists!  How can these awful things happen??

Luckily, when I make a fashion faux pas, it usually goes undocumented.  However, it doesn’t always go unnoticed (thank goodness for my friends…the ones who truly care about me will tell me if I’m looking like a blind hooker as I’m walking out the door).  In the spirit of keeping our fellow ladies informed and aware (or end the unprovoked assault on our eyes as we walk down the street), we’ve made a list of the top five fashion faux pas’.

If you or any of your friends have done/are doing any of these…just stop.  Seek help.

Exposed Thong

We get it. You're wearing a thong.

At no point during daily life should anyone’s thong be on show, unless you’re working the pole.  In which case, that’s probably the only thing you’re wearing and you’re exempt from this one.  For the rest of us, thongs (and other undergarments) should remain safely tucked in to your clothing.  If you wanna advertise the goods, leave the wrapping out of it.

Quadraboob

No, four boobs are not better than two.

No matter what guys say, two boobs are enough for any girl.  That’s perhaps why quadraboob (when your bra cup is too small and your breasts literally runneth over) is so offensive.  Some seem to think that quadraboob is sexy, implying that your boobs are huge and you’re just a big pile of sex.  We (and humanity) disagree.  It’s just so…bumpy.  And it doesn’t help that quadraboob usually comes coupled with back fat.

No Bra

No one needs to know if your boobs hang low. Or how low, for that matter.

Even more disturbing than quadraboob is the no bra faux pas (rhyming things make terrible things seem better).  The bouncing, the swinging, the nipples…oh, the nipples.  Boobs just need support!  They need to be shaped!  Your shirt was not made for your boobs, it was made for your bra!  The bra really does make the woman and no bra makes a saggy-boobed hippie.

Muffin Top

I don't know about you, but I prefer my muffin tops with chocolate chips and coarse sugar.

We all know it.  We all hate it.  Yet why do we continue to see the muffin top invading our schools and storming our streets??  There are a million different stores to shop at, which means everyone has the option of finding a pair of pants/a skirt that will fit them.  Sure, you might have nice legs that are proportionally more lean than the rest of your body.  Show them off in a mini dress, sister!  Just don’t buy a pair of pants to showcase your gams and leave the rest of your body to hang over the edge.

Denim on Denim

Yes, jeans go with everything. Just not jeans.

Nothin’ says class like a denim tuxedo.  Let’s break it down:  Jeans are fantastic and probably the best fashion innovation ever.  Denim shirts are hideous, period.  Denim jackets, harmless though they may seem, are the hardest things to pull off.  You can’t wear them with jeans, even if the denim is a different color (it’s still denim).  You can’t wear them with a skirt, otherwise you risk looking like you’re in junior high in the midwest (I live there, so I’m allowed to say that).  Best to avoid any combination of denim whatsover and stick with jeans. On your legs. End of story.