Sexy Time: Condoms and Commitment

July 30, 2009 9:00 am     Posted in Relationships, Sex  Lena Chen - Harvard g+ page

condomWhatever happened to “no glove, no love”?


By Lena Chen

These days, forgoing condoms is practically considered proof of love … but intentionally unprotected sex isn’t merely a practice exclusive to the betrothed or married. “Forget ‘sex without condoms is the new engagement ring’,”writes journalist Rachel Hills in this month’s edition of Australian women’s mag, Cleo. “For a lot of people, it seems, sex without condoms is the new ‘going steady’.”

I see where Rachel is going with this one, but I’d even take it one step further and say that condomless sex (the non-accidental variety) isn’t even limited to those in love.

In my post-high school romances, the sexual exclusivity (A.K.A. “Who else are you sleeping with cuz I’d like to ditch the condoms”) talk has always preceded the relationship talk, but I’ve also discussed the issue with guys who I never had an interest in seriously dating. The subject has been broached with f**k buddies, casual interests, and boyfriends alike. What I’ve learned is that the nature of the relationship — whether it’s a serious romance or a sexual fling — matters less than how well I know and trust my partner. I might go out on regular dates with a new guy for a couple months and never suggest giving up condoms, but will bring it up after a just few short weeks of sleeping with a trusted male friend.

That doesn’t mean I approach unprotected sex with a flippant attitude. Rather, I bring up sexual exclusivity not so I can secure a regular hook-up, but as part of a larger conversation about responsible practices. Unfortunately, the only thing more awkward than officially defining a relationship is initiating a conversation about sexual exclusivity. You may be concerned about appearing presumptuous, especially if you’re sleeping with someone who you’re not dating and don’t want to send the wrong romantic signals. But uncomfortable as the conversation might be, you can’t skip that step altogether if you’re thinking of losing the glove (nor should you be having sex if you’d rather cross your fingers than actually communicate about these issues).

Rather than leaving it up to a drunken game of “Just The Tip”, think ahead and bring up sexual monogamy when you’re sober, coherent, and level-headed. The most important question isn’t always “Who else are you currently sleeping with?” but rather, “When’s the last time you got tested?” You might not think your current partner has picked up anything sketchy along the road, but when it comes to sexual health, seeing is not believing. Just because someone isn’t sporting warts doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re clean. It’s not uncommon for a person with a STI display no signs of infection.

Hills warns, “Many STIs have no outward symptoms, so if there’s nothing obviously ‘wrong’ with the person you’re sleeping with, it’s easy to assume that they’re STI-free.”

But being asymptomatic doesn’t mean that either of you are in the clear. Symptoms or not, STIs can still be transmitted and can cause serious health problems like infertility if you leave the infection untreated. Hills notes in her article that the majority of new HIV infections happen because people don’t realize they’re infected. In a post-AIDS world, there’s a reason why mandatory condom use has become sex ed canon. If you make the decision to ditch the glove, certain prerequisites should first be met: an agreement to be sexually monogamous, up-to-date test results, and a clear understanding of each other’s stance on issues like accidental pregnancies.

Even if you decide to leave condoms on your grocery list for now, these are conversations that you should be having with your partner anyway. Since even consistent condom users wind up with broken rubbers, you need to be comfortable with discussing the possibility of pregnancy and STIs. The golden rule of intercourse? Do others as you would have others do you.

23 Comments on "Sexy Time: Condoms and Commitment"

  1. Ness - Sheridan says:
    Thu, 30th Jul 20097:15 am 

    I was actually thinking about this the other day. I realized that going condomless, to me, seems like the a very big step towards committment. I've only done this with my serious boyfriend, and I realized that it's something that makes our sex special. I know this isn't exactly the 'right' way to see it, but it makes me feel we are being truly intimate.. ie. there is nothing between us.

    That being said, we did have a serious discussion beforehand about STIs, accidental pregnancy and test results. It was also quite a few months into our relationship that we made this step, and I had been on the pill for quite some time. I suppose it's about who you're with and assessing sexual risk.

    Thanks for the great article!

  2. Casey says:
    Thu, 30th Jul 20098:42 am 

    While I don't see a problem going condomless in a committed relationship (although it still does have it's risks) I don't think it safe, or wise to go condomless in a non-committed relationship. Trust is a major issue, even for committed couples. I would never trust some guy that I wasn't committed to not to lie about who else he was sleeping with, or even if he had been tested before. Because the fact is, most guys don't get tested. And if it comes down to sex or no sex, a lot of guys would lie about having been tested, or who they are sleeping with. If they aren't going to be committed to you then they probably aren't going to be 100% honest with you either. (The same goes for girls, I'm not holding a double standard here, I'm just speaking from a hetero female perspective. Just to clarify.)

    Sex most definitely feels better without condoms, but unless you can trust your partner completely, you need to wrap it up.

  3. Lena Chen - Harvard says:
    Thu, 30th Jul 20099:00 am 

    Casey: What you say especially holds true for IUD users, who risk serious health problems (not just unsightly warts) if they contract a STI. That's why many doctors won't offer IUDs to patients who aren't sexually monogamous, even if they use condoms. However, I think it's possible for two people who aren't romantically involved to be honest and truthful to each other, or to at least feel responsibility for their sexual partner's health. I, for one, would be far more trusting of any my male friends than I would be of a guy I'd only known in a romantic context.

  4. Amber says:
    Thu, 30th Jul 20092:52 pm 

    Man, I guess some girls take sex really casually……I guess you don't really have much of a choice anymore when most guys will bring up sex on the first or second date… anyway I did something stupid myself and I let a guy go gloveless, a f*ck buddy is all he was, and I found myself in my gyno's office testing positive for a high-risk form of hpv…….with cancer cells already present….yea not effin worth it to go gloveless with just any douche you have sex with. 8 out of 10 men have HPV ladies and without a condom you WILL get it. Just keep that in mind because once you get it your stuck with it.

    Me, I will use a condom EVERY TIME with whomever I sleep with from here on out until (if) I get married. STIs are not worth it and besides it feels the same with or without a condom for you so don't let his jerky ass bully you! EVERYTIME

  5. Anonymous says:
    Thu, 30th Jul 20094:34 pm 

    Speaking from experience, please use a condom every time,and if you both feel like you want to stop using them, get tested together and make sure you know each other's results.

    Also, it might help to get Gardasil. Like Amber, I contracted HPV (the precancerous kind) and have been through hell and back. I'm not sure if its true, but from what I've heard about it, there isn't a good test for HPV in men, so getting the vaccine is the best that we can do. Having this strain of HPV has been awful, knowing that I have a virus that can cause cancer, treating it multiple times with surgery, etc., so much money spent to make sure I'm healthy…

    And on top of that, knowing its possible to pass it on to a baby, if I ever have one (as the HPV has given me cervicitis, which can cause infertility down the line…)

    All in all, its just not worth it until you KNOW FOR SURE (as in see the test results) that he's clean and you have been vaccinated.

  6. a girl says:
    Thu, 30th Jul 20096:15 pm 

    What's so wrong with using condoms? I admit that they can be a little inconvenient, but I wouldn't stop using them just for that reason. I really like the extra peace of mind that you get from using them, and I think a lot of guys do too. My ex and I never, ever had sex without a condom, even though I was on the pill and neither of us had ever had any kind of sex with anyone else. I think that even if you're not worried about STDs, like we weren't, it makes a lot of sense to use two methods of birth control. I'd much rather use a condom than risking having to get an abortion if I forgot to take a pill.

  7. Sasha says:
    Thu, 30th Jul 20097:35 pm 

    Leave it to an idiot writing an article like this to tell people not to use condoms. How fucking dumb are you? I guess when you are a human condom, using a real one isn't necessary. Stupid ass whore.

  8. Lena Chen - Harvard says:
    Thu, 30th Jul 200911:52 pm 

    Sasha, keep your ad hominem attacks to yourself. It's intellectually cowardly to call me a whore and contributes nothing to the discussion.

    Can you please point out where in the above article I "tell people not to use condoms"? There's nothing wrong with using them, even well into a relationship. I'm merely noting that a number of people have unprotected sex, not just those who are married, and if you choose to as well, there are certain prerequisites you should keep in mind. (I specifically wrote: sexually monogamy, clean and new test results, and an agreement about what to do in case of pregnancy). I think encouraging discussion of all of the above indicates that I'm obviously not advocating indiscriminate, irresponsible unprotected sex.

    Amber: What happened to you sounds really terrible so I can understand your apprehension about unprotected sex and the prevalence of HPV. However, though it's true that most women will pick up some strain of HPV along the way, they won't necessarily be stuck with it forever, nor do the non-cancerous strains cause many complications. Depending on what kind of HPV you have, your immune system can often clear it up on its own.

    As for taking sex too casually, I don't think there's anything wrong with casual sex, but I'm definitely not advocating that anyone stop using condoms because they're being pressured by a stranger they've only known for a few dates. Marriage, however, is not the only context in which you can trust someone. Plenty of people cheat on their spouses and even more don't trust their spouses, so it doesn't make much sense to say that once you're married, you're safe from STIs. Individual relationships vary and even an unmarried couple is capable of conducting their bedroom affairs in an ethical, safe manner.

  9. Sasha says:
    Fri, 31st Jul 20095:19 am 

    Pure fucking garbage. Even if you get a non-cancerous form of HPV, it takes years for your immune system to rid of it. Why would you risk the chance of not only getting HPV, but an std or sti by not wearing a condom? What a bunch of horseshit. Unless you are trying to get pregnant and have a child, your boyfriend/husband, or in your case, the ugly loser you met at the bar, should wear a condom. The world doesn't need to have yet another whore in it. In your case, abstaining from sex period would be the only 100% safe option to make sure there are no more human condoms running around.

  10. Star says:
    Fri, 31st Jul 20098:16 am 

    Sorry Sasha, but we can't take anyone seriously who can't make a point without using the words "whore" and "fuck" all the time. That just means you don't have enough real evidence to support your point, so you think shouting obscenities will make people listen to you.

  11. Anonymous says:
    Fri, 31st Jul 200911:48 am 

    Maybe instead of attacking the writer, we could all re-read the article and make sure we understand her point?

    I'm pretty sure she's describing the safest way to ever go condomless – that is, have a talk, and know that the other person is clean. She didn't say just throw away the condom without any other thought.

    Although not using them with people you've only known for a few weeks isn't the best option – I can sympathize with her position of how condoms do suck, and they're a necessary evil (I think sex is much more fun without one).

    BUT she did bring up her parameters for going without one (it doesn't matter how long you've known him, that's another moral issue that people can't agree on, if he's clean, he's clean!) and knowing each other's stance on pregnancy.

    All in all, what she describes is the safest way to have sex without a condom – how is that whoreish?

    People are so quick to judge others as a whore if their views on sex a somewhat different from their own. I respect people that wait until marriage, I respect people that use a condom all the way up until their married. But if a person decides to not use a condom with someone they KNOW is clean and agrees with them on the pregnancy details, do we really have to call them "fucking dumb" and "stupid ass whores?"

  12. Andrew says:
    Fri, 31st Jul 200912:11 pm 

    Lena, Thanks for your well thought out article. For some, condoms may seem to some to be a barrier to intimacy or an inconvenience. For others a condom is like a seatbelt in your car, you absolutely must wear one for safety.

    I believe that a condom should be used each and every time you have sex (full disclosure here- I make my living selling condoms). With that said, I do agree that once you are in a trusting relationship, and all partners have been tested and have discussed going condomless– then that may very well be appropriate. However, I don't believe that this is the type of trust that can be developed by a second or even fifth date for that matter (maybe I'm just old fashion).

    Now let me put a seemingly self-serving spin on this debate. Over the past decade, many new and interesting condoms have been introduced into the market. Condoms are available that have unique shapes, colors, flavors, materials and more. Many of these condoms are specialized and may not be sold in major drugstores. These new condoms might actually add some spice, fun or new sensation. You might just want to see what condoms are actually available.

    Andrew

    SafeSense.com

  13. Amy says:
    Fri, 31st Jul 20094:05 pm 

    Everyone posting here seems to be under the impression condoms prevent HPV. They do not. Like herpes, the virus is present on the entire area around the genitals, and a condom doesn't cover enough area to prevent transmission. Even being naked and touching, without sex, is enough to transmit HPV.

  14. Caitlin-University o says:
    Fri, 31st Jul 20095:11 pm 

    Lena, this is a great article. I like many other girls, got HPV and thankfully found out quickly. It was the precancerous kind, but I was treated and now I'm HPV free. While it scared me, I was also with a partner who I thought was committed to me, but way later found out he wasn't.

    I think it's a personal preference whether you want to use condoms or not. It's a good idea to use them if you say pick up a guy at a bar or are sleeping with someone new. If your in a committed (as in 100% sure you're not being cheated on) relationship and both you and your partner are comfortable not using them, and neither of you have any sexually bound disease, then that's something you both can personally decide.

    No one should be called a whore or anything else for deciding not to use condoms. My boyfriend and I have to use them because I can't be on the pill anymore due to my blood clot, but before we didn't use them.

    Thanks for this Lena!

  15. Brooke says:
    Sat, 1st Aug 20095:22 am 

    Lena is a lost cause. She is a sexual deviant who will never change her abhorrent lifestyle. Everyone just give up. It is hopeless. If she doesn't want to change her disgusting ways, she is going to have to live in her own filth. There is no use trying to make a whore into a lady.

  16. molly says:
    Sun, 2nd Aug 20092:11 pm 

    Brooke, you are only impeding the way others think about women. To call someone of your own sex a "whore" or a "slut" only makes it acceptable for men to do it. Choosing to not use a condom after both parties have been tested, and are in a monogamous relationship is not "deviant"; its responsible.

    Keep your mean spirited, antiquated comments to yourself please.

  17. Brooke says:
    Sun, 2nd Aug 20097:50 pm 

    You are WRONG!!!! If you are taking advice from Lena, you must be an idiot.

  18. meghan says:
    Mon, 3rd Aug 200912:24 pm 

    Brooke and Sasha, I'm embarrassed for you. This article discusses real life situations and decisions and clearly points the reader toward making good choices regarding her sexual health. Who do you think you're helping by throwing around the word 'whore'? This is an article about health and I found it very insightful. Your comments make you seem like you're just full of hatred and sadness, and we see through you. Retort however you like, but you'll only make me laugh and shake my head in pity and disdain.

  19. Brooke says:
    Wed, 5th Aug 20099:01 am 

    Meghan- You are seriously taking the advice of the biggest whore in the history the world? I really feel sorry for you. You must have some serious daddy issues to make you think that it is ok to take advice from a whore like her. Seek counseling to help you resolve your issues from your childhood.

  20. Sara says:
    Wed, 5th Aug 20091:15 pm 

    I'm pretty sure Sasha and Brooke are the same person. They have the same accusitory writting style. Well who ever you are if you think this article is giving false information you probably aren't going to change anyone's mind by calling them whores and human condoms, and last time I checked you were only a whore if you accepted money for your sexual services. Your lack of intelligence is very evident in your insults instead of giving information to contridict the article

    Is it possible to block their email account from commenting?

    I don't know if I agree with this article though. Just because someone you are seeing says your are exclusive doesn't he really is. Your sexual health is so important that I believe a condom should be used until you are married (I know a spouse can still cheat but a marriage license is a pretty big statement about monogomy more than a promise from a now bf). We as women should be more aware of who we are doing any sexual activity with; like Amy said HPV can be transmitted through more than intercourse and there is NO test for a man to see if he has HPV.

  21. Amy says:
    Wed, 5th Aug 20095:44 pm 

    Sara, There is at least one troll on here that uses many different female names, It could all be the same person, or it could be multiple people, but however many it is, it's getting irritating, and this site is almost no longer worth it to weed out all of the troll posts.

  22. Rak says:
    Sat, 8th Aug 20094:02 am 

    The only reason I like to wear a condom is because it reduces the friction, therefore I last longer, which is a GREAT plus. Ever since we were in College and she was just my girlfriend, we used condoms because I found out (through a lab test) that my semen was highly fertile. Now we're married and we still use condoms, especially for the benefits of "lasting longer". I can have my wife blow me, (then put a condom on) then enter her from behind, enter her laying sideways, and finally she spreads her legs for me as we go into missionary for a wonderful long lasting finish. All of this is possible thanks to a condom, otherwise, after she has given me a good suck, I can barely last for a minute once i'm inside her, which could be detrimental to our love life and as a result to our relationship. Having her suck me off before I put on the condom, has helped me get over that mental barrier of "having something between us". She loves my facials, she swallows my entire load and licks her fingers after just for my viewing pleasure. She is a real woman and never has any stupid "issues" which seem to plague women's minds lately; so I know there is a deep connection of trust underneath the sex, and that is really what makes it fulfilling. So being safe and not taking the risk of an unwanted pregnancy (which could stress our relationship), is worth taking 15 seconds to putting on a condom. We have always been thrutfull to each other and never "whored around" as it is nowadays so commonly accpeted, and this is why our relationship is so "open" and free for ourselves to enjoy.

Tell us what you're thinking...