Single. And Dealing With The “Sort of” Ex

July 31, 2009 4:00 pm     Posted in Advice, Relationships  Dannia- Loyola University Chicago g+ page

emotional eating


By Dannia

I hate my exes. Mostly because I’m not even sure I can call them my exes. You see, in the world of the eternally single, you rack up a lot of blurry relationships with people. We go on dates, but we’re not dating. We’re dating, but we’re not together. We’re together, but he’s not my boyfriend. We make out every Tuesday, Thursday, and third Friday of the month, but that’s it.

It’s bad enough when it’s occurring, but when the sordid, undefinable tryst ends…you don’t even know how to bitch about them! Man, that “guy who I used to sometimes make out with (and one time I think we went on a date, but it was only kind of a date because we didn’t refer to it as one)… really sucks.” God. It takes up more effort than the half assed relationship ever did.

The worst of it followed me out this week. Earlier in the summer, I had become interested in (obsessed with) a cute, smart, funny dude I had met while I was out. I gave him my number, and we ended up hanging out (making out) a few times. I started to get frustrated when I realized the extent of our hanging out was us making out, so I finally grew a metaphorical pair and told the horny jerk off. And of course with my luck, two days after I stand up for myself by acting like a crazy bitch, I run into him while I’m out with friends. And I thought Chicago was supposed to be a LARGE city…do I need to move to Hong Kong?

He came up to me and asked how I was doing, then said he hadn’t called lately because he lost my number (Guys: get a new excuse, this one insults my intelligence). I made the conversation last as long as I could before he could see that I was tearing up in public a little (shut up), then proceeded to go back to my group of friends and take the ensuing frustration out on them (again, shut up).

And they kind of didn’t get it. He wasn’t really an ex, after all. He was just some guy. But in all honesty, he wasn’t just some guy; he was some guy I had hopes for, and eventually some guy who let me down. And while that’s no excuse for being a jackass to your friends, it hurt to see him. It hurt to have him lie to me. It especially hurt to see him walk out of the place with his arms around a cute blonde girl. There may have been no official label between us, but I guess no one told my emotions that they had to wait for that to kick in.

When the lines between you are so blurred, it’s hard to describe how or why…but you can still get hurt. Not getting a fourth date with a dude you really liked may not have the same crippling emotions as ending a 2 year relationship, but why can’t we admit that it still kind of stings? Even getting to know someone then realizing YOU don’t like him is a big old let down. All of these things are still disappointments, heartbreakers, and ultimately things that ruin our trust in relationships… and sometimes in ourselves.

And yet it seems we have to be ashamed to admit what should be obvious: undefined does not equate unemotional. Whether or not it reached relationship status, or even second date status, these are people who mattered enough to spend time and effort on. And it completely sucks when that time and effort turns out to be wasted. Come on, I’ve seen them in their skivvies… of course I’m bummed when their actions are not as great as their ass.

It’s just important to realize that emotions can happen for people you intended on being completely unemotional with. So whether it’s an ex-boyfriend or ex-dude who took you out to dinner, it’s still someone who was careless with your precious feelings. And you had better believe those are precious! So go right on ahead… you’re allowed to eat too much ice cream and call him, whatever he was, a jackass.

28 Comments on "Single. And Dealing With The “Sort of” Ex"

  1. rach says:
    Fri, 31st Jul 200911:42 am 

    i think the reason these "sort-of" relationship hurt so much is because you do have so much hope, the beginning of mini relationships are always the best part and putting yourself out there is tough! we've all been there even the friends who "dont get it" at the time. you'll find someone better. keep your chin up!

  2. Alisha says:
    Fri, 31st Jul 200911:47 am 

    Ugh, this happened to me, a guy I saw for 2 months. We acted like boyfriend and girlfriend, but technically, we weren't in a relationship. When he stopped seeing me I took it just as bad as if we had been official for those 2 months, I mean really, I had spent tons of time with him, we made plans together, we didn't see anyone else…but my friends didn't understand, and also I found it hard to react to my unofficial break-up with my unofficial boyfriend..

    Oh well, at least if I end up back with him this semester (can you tell I'm hopeful…?), I won't be THAT girl who always is getting back with her ex, cause really…he's not my ex.

    Although I am essentially heartbroken about it, and it's taking me a real long time to move on.

  3. Alisha says:
    Fri, 31st Jul 200911:49 am 

    rach, that's it exactly, it's the hope you have with those new relationships. Every week I was with this guy I thought "this will be the day we make it official, we're pratically boyfriend and girlfriend now…"

    and then out of no where we got in a fight and it all ended. and all that hope ends with it.

  4. Sarah says:
    Fri, 31st Jul 200912:11 pm 

    I really am that girl who doesn't do serious relationships because I love my freedom. But if I get someone in bed more than once, it's obviously because there is something about them I like. And when you like somebody, boyfriend or not, it stings to see them with someone else or acting like a jerk. The names you put on the relationship don't define it, in my opinion…

  5. sammie says:
    Fri, 31st Jul 20092:16 pm 

    thanks for this article. honestly, i worry a little bit about my friends & i because we hook up with people at college and never make it official, and then never really get the opportunity to recover when it doesn't work out. like i have a friend who was exclusively hooking up with someone, then he hooked up with someone else, and she doesn't even know if she was technically "cheated" on. it's a mess, and eventually we're going to have to pay for our actions. we can't turn off our emotions, no matter how much we want to.

  6. alex says:
    Fri, 31st Jul 20094:49 pm 

    story of my life.

  7. Elle says:
    Fri, 31st Jul 200911:43 pm 

    Rach, initially I think alot of us want relationships, and you are right with the hope of one with these "kinda-sorta-halfish-boyfriend-man-dating-things." I think we've all been there, and I have to say that I am in a full on committed relationship now with a great guy, but when I was dating around, so were the other guys. College is full of a pool for guys to swim in and try out "the ladies." I actually wonder if the playing-relationship (even if we say we don't want one) and hooking up is hurting us?

  8. jj says:
    Sat, 1st Aug 20096:58 pm 

    been there. done that.

    why are guys such dicks soemitmes?

  9. Cm says:
    Sat, 1st Aug 20097:56 pm 

    I know exactly how you feel. I recently went through this, with this amazing guy , Eric. Eric's a medic in the navy and we've been "dating" for 6 months. We were definitely in a realtionship just not anything official according to him. Everything was great until, he starts telling me I shouldn't be liking you this much when things got serious. Eventually, we broke it off. I was torn up. I mean I fell in love with him and I never got a chance to say it to him. Now he's going to be deploying to Afghanistan. I'm torn up on whether to visit him or not. For when I see him, it will tear me up inside.

    This whole situation with you, girl I completely understand. How is it possible to get attached to someone so easily and to just end up being heartbroken in the end. It's not fare. Even the good guys end up being jackasses. Where have all the legit good guys gone?

  10. Jess says:
    Sun, 2nd Aug 20094:50 pm 

    I hate this situation. I had it and wasn't sure if I was seeing the guy or not, so I slept with someone else. Then a few weeks later he told me he loves me and called me his girl. So I don't know if that's considered cheating or not.

    Cm, if I was you, and the guy I care about what deploying to Afghanistan, I'd go see him. It's always worth a shot, might as well go see him, see how things are between you, and if all else just be friends. I'm not sure where all the good guys are.. I think they're with all the bitchy girls that don't deserve them.

  11. pryce says:
    Mon, 3rd Aug 200911:33 am 

    These are so terrible, because you even start to feel crazy for having so much attachment. One of these ended for me with the guy looking at me and counting the number of times we had sex to prove he could be the biggest asshole imaginable and I couldn't rightfully complain.

    Yeah, but it was every weekend for months not including the fact we were hanging out every single day, with him calling and taking me to dinner. We weren't dating officially, but when I complained to a friend and corrected her on the issue, she rolled her eyes and said, "Please. For all intents and purposes, you were dating." So what the hell is he?

  12. K - GW says:
    Mon, 3rd Aug 20097:43 pm 

    didnt know there were so many people like me. great article dannia, you clearly have a way with explaining things that i have foretothought to be unexplainable

  13. Andrea says:
    Mon, 3rd Aug 20098:50 pm 

    As you get older you realize that labels are overrated. If you are going on dates with someone – you're dating. If you're going on dates with someone and someone else, you're still seeing other people. If you're exclusive for a bit, it's getting pretty serious. I guess some people need labels like boyfriend/girlfriend to help with their own insecurity, possessive issues and self esteem. The truth is, labels wont change a thing.

  14. Jen says:
    Wed, 5th Aug 200912:20 am 

    I think its a security net for some guys, how can you 'break up' or 'cheat' if you're not labelled official… even if in reality you are pretty exclusive?

    maybe its just a problem with guys of uni age!

  15. liza says:
    Wed, 5th Aug 20096:36 am 

    Feelings and emotions are precious – and there seems little point in interacting with someone if the outcome is a sterile lack of attachment and meaning.

    This is a beautifully written piece.

  16. Greg says:
    Wed, 5th Aug 200910:15 am 

    "You are who you love, not who loves you"

    -Nicholas Cage, Adaptation

    Emotions are too mysterious and profound for any label like girlfriend or boyfriend to do it justice. Just think about how many girlfriends/boyfriends cheat on eachother. And how often we feel such strong attachment and loyalty to people who are just friends.

  17. Donnette - Manhattan says:
    Fri, 7th Aug 20098:58 am 

    <3 this article.

  18. J says:
    Mon, 10th Aug 20091:10 am 

    I agree with Liza, really well written article. And…any normal human being (ok, maybe just women) is going to have strong emotions and feelings come to the surface, even if it's "just sex". There is no such thing, and we're fooling ourselves to think we can just rise above it and steel ourselves against any feeling we may attach to a person who's just a friend, blah, blah.

  19. davis says:
    Mon, 10th Aug 20098:35 am 

    THANK YOU! SO MUCH! This kind of stuff happens to me all the time (because apparently I am simply unable to date people like normal people do) and it's so hard to explain to your friends why it matters so much that some dude you went on a date with and have since been consistantly fucking but you're not actually dating doesn't text you for 3 days (I hate men).

  20. Guys perspective (so says:
    Wed, 12th Aug 20092:25 pm 

    Yikes… Not a bad message, but a what a dumb story.

    Poor you. You meet a guy and end up building a relationship primarily based on making out with each other. You then proceed to remove the bulk of the relationship with the person, and become mad that the interest is no longer there? Best of all, you told that "horny jerkoff" by "acting like a crazy bitch"… and you actually are disturbed/upset that his response when you bumped into each other was "I lost your number"???

    He's being polite! Would you rather he be truthful and say "I haven't called you because we had no connection with each other in the first place, and now that we aren't using each other to satisfy sexual cravings there is really no need to remain in touch"?

    Simply put, GET OVER IT. That way, the next prospect has a fair chance to know the real you, and not someone who's mind is potentially in other places.

    So what that it didn't work out. It's not supposed to work out. It's supposed to fail. This way, when you finally do meet that special someone, you appreciate them that much more.

    Just this guys point of view though… sorry for the brutal truth

  21. Samantha -UCSB says:
    Mon, 17th Aug 20093:52 pm 

    LOVE this article. This article relates to every girl that has made the decision to try to go out and have fun just like every guy in college. We've decided to put ourselves out there in hopes of discovering something amazing. What we're left with is being the booty-call of a 20-something guy with the maturity and forethought of a 17 year-old.

    We all have a sort-of ex (or 6 of them), and I am so happy that this article normalizes it. It's hard to explain to someone why you're so broken up when their comeback is "well…what were you guys?"

    The best thing to do is to clarify expectations before things get to far, which sucks because to the guy it's pushing the "what are we?" talk wayyyyy too soon. Just watch out for yourselves, ladies! <3

  22. Rhoda Ochoa says:
    Sun, 23rd Aug 20095:54 am 

    I do like this article because it encapsulates where a lot of girls/women seem to be allowing ourselves to end up… Unless you're a true "Samantha" (someone who can make out, or screw, or um, whatever else?! without getting emotionally involved), letting guys "hang out" with you in this way is a recipe for pain, maybe even disaster?!?! I mean, if you are truly that liberated, great, enjoy! But yeah, when you're in pain, you might tend to do/say "crazy" things :) It's sad that girls pin huge hopes on a guy showing the slightest interest… It shows how lost a lot of us girls really are. "Guys Perspective" nailed it (sts), even if he didn't put it in the most palatable way :P I'm not even religious or a prude (though some might disagree), but I do think that THIS is exactly why the sexual revolution is kind of a crock for women. Yes, we love sex as much as men, but MOST of us need to feel (and actually be) safe and loved not to lose our minds over it. We're just not wired for the "hook up".

  23. wouldntyouliketoknow says:
    Sun, 20th Sep 20091:59 pm 

    I can relate to this from various experiences that I have had. I also agree with what Rhonda is saying. What I have noticed is that usually in most of my dating scenarios, they never really started out like real dating relationships should in order to be healthy. That might sound like a judgment, but it comes from my experience. A guy might be nice, make you feel good about yourself, etc, but I have made the mistake of immediately treating things like we were in a relationship, jumping into things too fast, coming across like I only want one thing when what I really wanted all along was a relationship, etc. It may sound obvious, but I've learned not to let things get physical right away, and if a guy wants to jump into that without doing all the typical dating things of taking me out, etc, then now I'm not wasting my time. With my recent situation, I am very tempted to say "That asshole just tried to use me!" but basically, he asked me to hang out one nite at his place without asking me out on a date prior, I chose to go over there and make out with him for hours and stay the nite, and pursue it the next nite, and then be mad at myself for allowing things to go that way. After doing that for about a week, I bluntly said "I'm going to want to do things outside of just this." so that I could make it clear I didn't just want to randomly fool around. That apparently made him stop and think and address our situation. I got a bunch of lines and he said all kinds of things, and even though we had known each other only a little over a week, it still felt shitty that I had allowed things to go the way they did and that he felt like I was forcing him to make some kind of decision. I made my boundaries clear after a week of fooling around, but that's better than fooling myself by having this casual fling that I wishfully hoped to turn into this great relationship.

  24. wouldntyouliketoknow says:
    Sun, 20th Sep 20092:02 pm 

    :o )

  25. Hilary says:
    Fri, 25th Sep 20093:53 am 

    THIS HAS BEEN MY LIFE FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS OF COLLEGE. Thank you for writing this article!!!!

  26. Ana says:
    Sun, 20th Dec 20096:43 pm 

    Ladies, we CAN'T sleep around and not expect ourselves to have feelings. That's the way most of us females are designed, we crave relationships and closeness with one man. Men like to spread their seed with anything that walks and don't even think about it afterwards…but we can't. As much as we pretend that having sex with tons of hot men is gonna make us feel amazing…it just makes you feel like a used whore.

  27. Max says:
    Wed, 14th Apr 20101:23 am 

    ah that's funny…not!

    Anyone open minded enough to admit that some women sleep with anything that walks? While some men (one is here) have been played and hurt so much that they rather stay single to avoid other pain?

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