Chew This, Ride That


Thanks to my Jewish mother, I’m the kind of girl that is always prepared for everything. People are constantly making fun of me and my 30lb purses, but that’s what happens when you carry around anything you could possibly need in a day: bleach pen, gum, band-aids, tampons, candy (lots and lots of candy), hand cream, multiple lip balms, hair care products, multiple cans of Diet Coke, etc.

I really thought I covered all my bases until I ended up in a situation to which I had no fix: a guy who couldn’t get it up.

At first I was distressed that I had done something wrong. Were my legs too hairy? My tan lines unattractive? Did he prefer girls with more than a landing strip?

After I got over that (“Uh, hello, the guy last week didn’t seem to have any issues!”), I still couldn’t shake the disappointment in myself. That was the first time in a long time that I was unable to reach into my Mary Poppins bag and pull out a cure. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to carry a penis pump in a Marc Jacobs bag (what would Marc think of me?!), but at the same time, there has to be something I can do to prevent further unfortunate occurrences.

And, by golly, I found it.

Introducing: Sexlets. Gum that freshens your man’s beer breath while also sending some serious blood flow to his little friend downstairs. This gum promises pearly whites…and longer sexcapades. Can Trident do that?

I don’t think so.

And, unlike Viagra/Cialis, which you’d have to crush up and dump into your boy toy’s cocktail (tee hee) to keep from offending him, you can just offer the boy a nice stick of gum. He’ll think you’re being nice…and he’ll have no idea just how nice you really are.

I wonder if they sell this stuff at Costco. I’ve got some room in my vajay bag and I know just what I want to fill it.



  1. Jen says:

    I just got my bf to grow a TickleMe Plant. It's juat a few weeks old now but watching the leaves fold and the branches droop when we tickle it is a real turn on. I saw it last week on the Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda and I just had to grow my own. See the video with your mate. This is a must grow

    plant for all dorms.

  2. Joe the Drunk says:

    gee, why couldn't he get it up with you? maybe because you're really an annoying whiny ugly Carrie Bradshaw wannabe yenta who deep down has daddy issues and really hates men? at least thats what I gathered after reading your stupid post

  3. Emily says:

    where are all the bitter assholes coming from?

  4. jeff says:

    I know the answer if hes drunk dont take him home hten you are less likely to find the problem

  5. ilyma says:

    I feel like Marc Jacobs would be pretty proud of you if you pulled a penis pump out of one of his bags.

  6. […] Candy reports on chewing gum that freshens breath and improves his erection by increasing blood flow. So now there’s another reason to feel insecure if your date offers […]

  7. mandy says:

    couldn't agree more. i don't let my boyfriend stop chewing this gum.

  8. Rick says:

    I have tried it, and can't complain. It's pretty conveinient.

  9. Pink says:

    Got this for my bf but we were disappionted that it ddidnt work

  10. Impotence Remedy says:

    Impotence is a very common problem. Remember one in ten men have a problem achieving and or sustaining an erection at some point in their lives. The important thing is if you have a problem that does not seem to be improving, you get help. You have read what impotence is, you have looked at the possible causes of it. Now lets look at the many treatments available for impotence.

  11. Fungai says:

    right on the label that there’s nothing to worry about if the ahttoptsoe is swallowed, because it is not harmful since the product is fluoride-free and all natural. I highly recommend Spry products especially for families.Help other customers find the most helpful reviewsa0Was this review helpful to you?a0 | a0

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