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The Doctor Is In: Does He Have to Know?
Talking sex with your doctor isn’t always easy. Whether you are afraid she will judge you, you just don’t feel comfortable sharing the intimate details of your life between the sheets, or you can’t think straight with a speculum between your legs, many people get tight lipped in the doctor’s office. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have questions.
We thought we’d help and every Thursday our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin will be answering your questions. The ones you couldn’t ask your doctor in person. Just leave your questions in the comments, or send em over to us. (We’ll keep it all anonymous for you.) Dr. Lissa will answer anything – really, anything – about sex and other lady things. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!
Q: I am still a virgin. It’s not because I’m religious or anything – I just haven’t met the right person. The only thing is that I’m finally ready to sleep with this guy, but I don’t know if I should tell him or not? Guys seem to get pretty freaked out about that kind of stuff. Is it possible to just do it and not tell him?
A: I hear ya, sister! It’s a lot of responsibility to be someone’s first. But it’s also a big decision on your part. I remember when I was young and a girlfriend told me, “You’ll never forget your first. And a part of you will always love him and feel connected to him.” She called it “getting stuck,” because the bonding experience of losing your virginity acts like glue. In my case, she was absolutely right. Part of me still loves the guy who took my cherry. So think twice about how you make this decision.
As for whether the guy gets freaked out, I say tell him and let him accept that responsibility. If he’s too freaked out to be your first, don’t give it away to him. You want someone who knows it’s your first time, can handle the responsibility that comes with that, and cares enough to make sure you feel nurtured, loved, and accepted when you lose your virginity.
Is it possible to just do it and not tell him? Yeah. But your body may give you away. If your hymen is still intact, you may bleed, which might clue him in. Also, the first time can be very painful. Your reaction may tell him. But why hide it? If you trust him enough to make the very mature decision to have sex with him, I hope you trust him with the truth.
Not to get on my soapbox, but don’t forget about birth control and disease prevention. Make sure you use a condom, and you might want to talk to your gynecologist about more effective birth control, like The Pill, Depo-Provera, the patch, or the vaginal ring. While condoms will help protect you from pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, they’re not perfect at either. So keep that in mind when you choose a partner. Do you know where that penis has been? Don’t be embarrassed to ask. It’s your right to know. And if you haven’t gotten the HPV vaccine yet, consider getting it before you have sex the first time. It could protect you from a lifetime of genital warts, abnormal pap smears, and cervical cancer.
Blessings to you as you venture forth on this path, sweetie. Listen to your intuition and embark on this journey with faith in yourself and trust in your partner.
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morgan says:
Thu, 6th Aug 20099:09 am
i agree, i really think you should tell him. it's such an important thing that shouldn't be taken lightly.
Matt says:
Thu, 6th Aug 200910:15 am
As a guy, telling us makes it easier. You might be his first as well. Telling him, as well, will help him know to take it easy the first time. If he's worth it, he'll be pretty compassionate about the whole thing.
chellechelle says:
Thu, 6th Aug 20092:33 pm
i was in the same situation, and i didn't tell him til the night of, i told him i was , he was shocked i guess, but said ok well did you still want to? i said yeah we did. he was really slow and gentle, and he kept asking if i was ok through the whole thing. he even would stop and go down on me every so often so that it actually felt good. its stupid that guys assume you'll automatically be suuuuper attached. i wasn't at all, i kept dating him though i didn't get attached until a few months in
C says:
Fri, 7th Aug 20098:44 pm
Absolutely tell him. I waited until I was 21 for the same reason as you – I just hadn't found anyone I was comfortable with. I also wanted to be in a relationship. I, too, had a guy I went out with get weird about it, and, for a plethora of other reasons, I never slept with him. When I met the guy who was my first, I told him before things got too heated up. He was really surprised, but really nice about it, and waited for me to tell him I was ready. We were talking one day about safety, and he actually offered to get tested before I could even ask. The right guy will care about these things and not give you a hard time. When we did sleep together, he was really gentle, and it was awesome – it didn't hurt at all. Best of luck!
Mr. X says:
Sat, 8th Aug 200910:26 pm
This is a great article on how to actually get down to business once you have the lady on your bed: http://www.mrxdating.com/2009/08/09/a-night-of-pa…
Alex says:
Mon, 10th Aug 20091:19 pm
I was in a similar situation. I waited until I was 19 and I found the right guy. He was surprised, but it really helped. He took things slowly, stopped when it hurt, and always asked how I was doing. Honestly, most guys will know if you've had sex before. I can't tell you how glad I am that I waited until I found someone I felt comfortable with.
Erika says:
Mon, 10th Aug 20092:16 pm
I waited until I was 19 and had a nice, stable boyfriend, but I didn't tell him he was my first. I felt so embarrassed of not having sex by then. If I could do it again, I would have just told him – it is a big deal. And sex is a big deal, if you can't talk about it with the guy, then maybe you're not ready.
Barbara says:
Tue, 11th Aug 20097:53 pm
Oh for heavens sake!!!!! Dont have sex if you aren't married. What is wrong with the youth in america? It is so revolting and gives me no hope for the future of our country.
Bexi says:
Wed, 12th Aug 20098:43 pm
I made the mistake and didn't the guy who I gave my virginity to that it was my first time. Because of that, the experience was less then pleasant (painful and awkward, ect.) and when he found out he freaked out on me and never talked to me again. I would recommend telling him.
vincent says:
Tue, 9th Mar 20107:34 am
I, as a guy, would be honored to be a girl's first. And as the article says, if you're responsible enough to make the decision of having sex, you should be responsible enough to tell him. You wouldn't want to be lied to about this either, right?