Everyone in this world needs a little help when it comes to understanding and interacting with the opposite sex (especially if you want your encounter to have a “happy ending”). Thankfully, there’s a whole slew of self-help books out there for that very subject. Unfortunately, it’s a double-edged sword. For as many extremely witty and helpful books that exist, there are also those that seem to exist purely to make my life more difficult (as in all those geektards from my English 101 course freshman year who suddenly think they have game and try to get all up on me during happy hour).
Browse any website or bookstore and you’ll find things that defy explanation. Really, who publishes these things? Who thought it would be a good idea to publish guides on how to get laid more quickly? There are enough frat boy a-holes in the world already, why create more? Why aren’t there books on how to be more sensitive? Or, how to shut up and do what she says? (Just kidding, but you see where I’m going.)
Here is just a taste of some of the dribble out there. Beware of the boys wielding these books – things are bound to get ugly.
Copy, Paste & Bang! – This is a book, ostensibly, about making online dating work for men. As in, making an online dating profile and getting laid within a 24-hour period. After perusing the text and the reviews, I have come to the conclusion that this is a manual for internet predators. The product description says it all: “Copy, Paste & Bang! was written for one simple reason: to help regular guys meet women utilizing the Internet and to get you laid.” Uhh…does anyone have Chris Hansen’s number?
The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists – I hate you, Mystery. And you, Neil Strauss. Why would you take a perfectly adorable, shy, and socially inept computer geek and turn him into a douchebag player?? What a waste of resources!! This book promises to teach men the secrets of picking up women in as short a period of time as humanly possible. Awesome. This way, men don’t actually have to get to know the women they’re about to sleep with. Saves time, no?
The Professional Bachelor Dating Guide – How to Exploit Her Inner Psycho – …because, of course, all women are psychos, even if they don’t act crazy. This book is a doozy. I’m gonna let the product description speak for itself here: “Women in courting mode are phenomenal actresses; many devote their whole lives to role-playing, camouflaged appearances, and storytelling. They manipulate men by dangling potential sex to satisfy their ego, play games, or vacuum your wallet.” You can also learn how to protect your assets and shield your salary from a potential divorce. Score!
Player’s Handbook Volume 2: Advanced Pickup and Seduction Secrets For Men Who Love Women & Sex (and Want More of Both) – Lucky for men, this book teaches them how to “never be without a sex partner – and how to handle multiple sex partners at once. How to avoid the mistakes that 99% of most make when dating multiple women. How to end a relationship, but still receive “benefits” and “special privileges.” Wonderful! I always wondered where that guy I was crushing on so hard Sophomore year learned all his tricks and tips. 100 pages of glorious douchiness. At $11.95, I’d say this book is a mega bargain.
1200 Pickup Lines – Sample pickup lines include: “I found this [lace glove, rosary, etc] on the floor at the club last night, is it yours? Well, if it’s not, I’d like to give it to you anyway,” and “I wanna floss with your pubic hair.” Thank goodness no one I know owns this book, otherwise I’d be a gonner for sure. I mean, who can stand up the massive amounts of charm contained in this little tome of 126 pages? Not me, my friend. Not me.