It’s a well-known fact that guys will go home with just about anything when they’re drunk. It’s not that they’re desperate, they’re just…well, guys. And guys like sex. So it’s not surprising that you don’t exactly have to be a genius/supermodel to have a special (or not-so-special) one-night engagement with a dude at the bar.
However, women are a different story.
As much as we sometimes want to have some crazy sex, we have standards. We won’t go home with just anybody. In fact, there are some guys that we’ll never go home with. Sorry dudes, but if you’re on this list you may want to consider celibacy.
In no particular order, here are the guys you probably aren’t going to be taking home to bump uglies with any time soon (hopefully):
Sweaty, Smelly Guy
It can get hot in the bar. Especially when there is dancing (and when I’m there, there is always dancing). However, there’s always that one guy busting a move in the middle of the dance floor who everyone seems to be avoiding. Then you see it: the dark stain spreading across his back, the beads of perspiration rolling down his face. He’s wiping his brow with his sleeve and pushing his hair off his forehead (leaving him in a Something About Mary situation).
You’re scared to even go near him, lest some sweat fly off him and land on your face or worse, in your drink. Definitely not conducive to an invitation home.
Guy Making Out With Everyone Else At the Bar
This dude is a fun one to watch, but don’t let him get within a two foot radius of you or you’ll find his tongue in your mouth. He’s tipsy, indiscriminate, and a make-out whore. This is the guy that will probably give all your friends Herpes after licking their faces (he thinks that’s totally sexy, btw). I
f he’s between ladies when you bump into him, you’ll recognize him by his Christian Audigier outfit and excessively gelled hair. In fact, you may even smell him as soon as you step into the bar, because he pretty much bathes in Axe body spray.
Creepy Creeper Guy
I can see him now…clutching his drink, eyes narrowed and staring, and wearing clothes that don’t quite fit the bar atmosphere (oversized short-sleeve button down, anyone?). This is the dude that makes you feel more than slightly uncomfortable when you’re breaking it down with your friends. His eyes will follow you around that dance floor, but even if you’re shoved right up next to him by some freak crowd accident, he still won’t talk to you. He’s just gonna sit there and hold his drink while staring at all the dancers. If you actually do get him to talk (although why you would, I have no idea), be warned that he’s probably a mumbler and will say something odd about a hobby of his or give you a creepy compliment. Unfortunately, due to his excessive creepiness, Mr. Stares Too Much probably won’t have anyone to bring home to see his doll collection.
Oversized Bouncer With Neckbeard
We’ve all been stuck outside a club staring down a massive hulk of a man called a bouncer. Thoughts, crazy thoughts, fly through our heads as we imagine the alcohol-fueled hijinks that are going on inside without us. Should we flirt with him to get in sooner? Tip him? Flash him?! Wait – slow down a second. This dude has a neckbeard. And more body mass than you and your friends put together. What could a few more minutes of waiting hurt? The real danger is later when Mr. Bouncer Man is off duty and creeping through the club for some ladies. By that time you’ve had a couple drinks and appreciate his all-black ensemble. However, there’s no way you’re gonna get past your reservations about his neck roll and douchebag diamond earring. Mr. Bouncer Man is going home alone tonight.
Older Guy Who Doesn’t Really Belong At the Bar
Is he a professor? Someone’s dad? Just a creepy old dude? You never can tell with this one. Homie came to the bar because he wants to score some young hotties and too bad for him because we’re not gonna take any part in that. You may brush past him at one point and recognize the same cologne that your dad wears. And he’s definitely sporting some Tommy Bahama up in there.
Oh yeah, and that’s probably a wedding band he’s surreptitiously slipping off his finger to hide in his pocket (right next to the pictures of his kids). Unless you have a strange Daddy Fantasy, then Older Guy will have to finish his whiskey soda and go home alone.