5 Guys We Won’t Go Home With


It’s a well-known fact that guys will go home with just about anything when they’re drunk.  It’s not that they’re desperate, they’re just…well, guys.  And guys like sex.  So it’s not surprising that you don’t exactly have to be a genius/supermodel to have a special (or not-so-special) one-night engagement with a dude at the bar.

However, women are a different story.

As much as we sometimes want to have some crazy sex, we have standards.  We won’t go home with just anybody.   In fact, there are some guys that we’ll never go home with.  Sorry dudes, but if you’re on this list you may want to consider celibacy.

In no particular order, here are the guys you probably aren’t going to be taking home to bump uglies with any time soon (hopefully):

Sweaty, Smelly Guysweaty guy

It can get hot in the bar.  Especially when there is dancing (and when I’m there, there is always dancing).  However, there’s always that one guy busting a move in the middle of the dance floor who everyone seems to be avoiding.  Then you see it: the dark stain spreading across his back, the beads of perspiration rolling down his face.  He’s wiping his brow with his sleeve and pushing his hair off his forehead (leaving him in a Something About Mary situation).

You’re scared to even go near him, lest some sweat fly off him and land on your face or worse, in your drink.  Definitely not conducive to an invitation home.


Guy Making Out With Everyone Else At the Bar making out guy

This dude is a fun one to watch, but don’t let him get within a two foot radius of you or you’ll find his tongue in your mouth.  He’s tipsy, indiscriminate, and a make-out whore.  This is the guy that will probably give all your friends Herpes after licking their faces (he thinks that’s totally sexy, btw).  I

f he’s between ladies when you bump into him, you’ll recognize him by his Christian Audigier outfit and excessively gelled hair.  In fact, you may even smell him as soon as you step into the bar, because he pretty much bathes in Axe body spray.


Creepy Creeper Guycreeper

I can see him now…clutching his drink, eyes narrowed and staring, and wearing clothes that don’t quite fit the bar atmosphere (oversized short-sleeve button down, anyone?).  This is the dude that makes you feel more than slightly uncomfortable when you’re breaking it down with your friends.  His eyes will follow you around that dance floor, but even if you’re shoved right up next to him by some freak crowd accident, he still won’t talk to you.  He’s just gonna sit there and hold his drink while staring at all the dancers. If you actually do get him to talk (although why you would, I have no idea), be warned that he’s probably a mumbler and will say something odd about a hobby of his or give you a creepy compliment.  Unfortunately, due to his excessive creepiness, Mr. Stares Too Much probably won’t have anyone to bring home to see his doll collection.


Oversized Bouncer With Neckbeardneck beard

We’ve all been stuck outside a club staring down a massive hulk of a man called a bouncer.  Thoughts, crazy thoughts, fly through our heads as we imagine the alcohol-fueled hijinks that are going on inside without us.  Should we flirt with him to get in sooner?  Tip him?  Flash him?!  Wait – slow down a second.  This dude has a neckbeard.  And more body mass than you and your friends put together.  What could a few more minutes of waiting hurt?  The real danger is later when Mr. Bouncer Man is off duty and creeping through the club for some ladies.  By that time you’ve had a couple drinks and appreciate his all-black ensemble.  However, there’s no way you’re gonna get past your reservations about his neck roll and douchebag diamond earring.  Mr. Bouncer Man is going home alone tonight.


Older Guy Who Doesn’t Really Belong At the Barcreepy old guy

Is he a professor? Someone’s dad?  Just a creepy old dude?  You never can tell with this one.  Homie came to the bar because he wants to score some young hotties and too bad for him because we’re not gonna take any part in that.  You may brush  past him at one point and recognize the same cologne that your dad wears.  And he’s definitely sporting some Tommy Bahama up in there.

Oh yeah, and that’s probably a wedding band he’s surreptitiously slipping off his finger to hide in his pocket (right next to the pictures of his kids).  Unless you have a strange Daddy Fantasy, then Older Guy will have to finish his whiskey soda and go home alone.



  1. Jennifer says:

    What you neglect to mention is that it is dangerous for women to go home with a strange man while men are not at the same risk. Of course a guy, who is stronger, bigger, and cannot get pregnant, will be less discriminant. Women have much more at stake and should therefore be more careful.

    I found the specifics of this list pretty sad. These are the only guys you won't go home with? Hopefully you are more self protective and have more respect for yourself in real life. Cause there's nothing empowering about losing your dignity or your life.

  2. Liz says:

    Exactly Jennifer.

    I can't imagine going home with any guy I meet at a bar. There are too many people out there that are dangerous and you can't tell based on talking to them for a few hours.

    Although this an "amusing" list, I think Jennifer's points are very valid and should have been added to the original post.

  3. Lauren - University says:

    We get it, but this post is supposed to be funny? Can we just have a chuckle maybe?

  4. Jessica says:

    Exactly Lauren, this is not a definitive bar safety list, it's written so we call all bond over knowing exactly who these five guys are at our favorite bar scenes, not as a handbook.

  5. Casey says:

    I agree with Lauren that it's a funny list and we could all use a laugh, but safety should always be taken into account especially when talking about sex. The list is funny, the thought that any girl is taking home random guys from a bar is actually kinda scary. So I do see Jennifer's point.

  6. Melanee says:

    If you take a guy home from a bar, who are a whore, plain and simple. People at bars and clubs are trash. Learn to have some respect for yourselves girls.

  7. anonymn says:

    the study doesn't go into "why don't they go home with anyone like guys do?" or if they don't go because of safety.

    only thing the researchers did was say "would you do someone who's 'slightly unattractive?'"

    and to that question, more men than women said "Yes."

    the only thing related to safety you could draw up from the study is that women must think "slightly unattractive" men are more dangerous than attractive ones, and thats a very loose interpretation.

    and that men dont judge the opposite sex on how they look as much as women (winking emoticon oh snap and all that)

  8. anonymn says:

    did anyone actually read the study, or summary since it’s all that;s availble.

    The ugly truth about one night stands
    Only the best looking men tempt women into casual sex

    Men are far more interested in casual sex than women. While men need to be exceptionally attractive to tempt women to consider casual sex, men are far less choosy. These findings (1) by Dr Achim Schützwohl, from the Department of Psychology at Brunel University in the UK, and his team are published online in Springer’s journal Human Nature.

    The research shows that men are more likely than women to report having had casual sex and they express a greater desire for it than do women. It is also thought that women but not men raise their standards of attractiveness for a casual sex partner.

    Dr Schützwohl and his colleagues looked at the influence of an imagined requestor’s physical attractiveness on men’s and women’s willingness to accept three distinct offers: go out, go to their apartment and go to bed with them. A total of 427 male and 433 female students from the US, Germany and Italy answered a questionnaire. They were asked to imagine being approached by a member of the opposite sex, described as either “slightly unattractive”, “moderately attractive” or “exceptionally attractive”. They then rated how likely they would be to accept each of the three offers.

    The authors found that the requestor’s looks affected men and women differently. Across all three levels of requestor attractiveness, men were more likely to go out, go to their apartment and go to bed with them than were women. German men were less likely to go out with the requestor and go to their apartment than American and Italian men. Italian men were more likely to go to bed with the requestor than were American men. German men were even less likely than American men to go to bed with the requestor. These differences highlight cultural differences in sexual morals and preferences.

    For each of the three offers, men were more likely to accept when the hypothetical woman was moderately or exceptionally attractive than when she was slightly unattractive, but whether she was moderately or exceptionally attractive made no difference. Women however placed more importance on the requestor’s good looks. They were more likely to accept the apartment and bed requests from an exceptionally attractive man than from either a moderately attractive or slightly unattractive man.

    The authors conclude: “While men are not entirely insensitive to their requestor’s attractiveness, women have higher standards and are more likely to engage in casual sex with an exceptionally attractive man than with a less attractive man.”

  9. Melanee says:

    People should have sex when they get married. That is when losing your virginity is supposed to happen. Failure to adhere to this rule is a crime against humanity. You are not only hurting yourself, but you are destroying society at large. The family bond is broken and I am making it my life's mission to restore the family bond in the world. Without it, the world will cease to exist.

  10. Rian says:

    Ladies Ladies, be safe yes, but dont live your lives in a box, the world is a cruel sadistic place, but its all we have. One day your gonna have to open your eyes and do the math here, the odds that heaven and hell exist are just about the same as you winning the mega millions, so the time you get on earth is all the time you got. Make the most of it, im not saying make bad decisions and be a whore, all im saying is, you only live once, make sure you make the best of it… As for the women saying you should only have sex when your married, i feel so bad for you, because your whole life is one big religious scam, you spend every day trying to do what you believe your "god: wants you to do, and one day your going to wake up and realize, "my god i have let the whole world pass me by, and now im old and about to die, and i have wasted this unbelievable gift called life…

  11. Isaac says:

    its absolutely hilarious seeing the old dude at the bar…guy will have his wedding ring on and will still hit on chicks


  12. Casey says:

    Anonymn, To add to that, Ted Bundy was a good looking guy, and the guy in either this month or last months cosmo (I think) was another good looking serial killer. So looks have absolutely nothing to do with whether a person is dangerous or not. People usually assume that if someone looks respectable, then they are, and that's not always the case. So girls, please keep those two killers in mind when at the bar looking for hotties to take home.

    Rian, You can live without having random hookups. You can live and still be safe. Heaven and hell may not exist, but some believe they do, and that is perfectly fine as well. You can still live believing there is a heaven and hell.

    However, if you die in your early 20's because you took the wrong guy home from the bar, then you don't have much of a life anyway. I'm sorry, but that's one risk people should be smart enough not to take. I'd rather live long enough to have many great sex partners that I knew well enough to sleep with, then have one random hookup with the wrong guy and never be able to experience sex (or anything for that matter) ever again.

    And please don't tell people that their whole lives are "one big religious scam" because let's be honest, you really have no idea if it's true or not, no one does, so let's not act like we know everything.

  13. I noticed, "Guy with Too Much Money" was not on the list.

  14. Star says:

    I would start pointing out all the holes and flaws in your plan about the family unit Melanee, but I assume you are one of the closed minded people who won't listen. But to sum it all up on a small scale, waiting till marriage for sex can lead to a partner you hate having sex with, therefore you hate your relationship with them. It also means that people get married only for sex and not for love.

    And not all families are picture perfect. You may think that by creating perfect family units you're making the world a better place, but you're not. Every person is different and I can't stand people with views like yours who want to shove the entire world into a cookie cutter mold. Also, show me some good, hard evidence for why waiting for marriage is good. And don't say the Bible, because works of fiction don't count as evidence.

  15. Slutmuffin says:


    Forget party poopers like Jennifer and Melanie. Yeah there's danger in going home with guys from bars but you know what… live on the edge a little people! If going home with a guy from a bar makes me a whore… then I have nothing else to say than I LOVE BEING A WHORE.

    Please people… get out and live a little…

    PS. "you’ll recognize him by his Christian Audigier outfit and excessively gelled hair. In fact, you may even smell him as soon as you step into the bar, because he pretty much bathes in Axe body spray." <– PURE GENUIS

    I love your articles :)

  16. Rian says:

    Casey Casey Casey, it so sad to see someone who lives there life in so much fear. You know your cautious your whole life, you make all the right moves never taking any risk, and then one day your on your way to work and BAM you get hit by a bus, as your lying there replaying your life in your head, you tell me how much your afraid of ted bundy at that moment… and yes I do know that the bible is a scam, so does everyone eles in the world that is even the slightest bit intelligent. I had a professor at oxford that would always say to us, "those who follow the words of bible are no different then the child who believes in santa, sooner or later there going to figure the truth out, the question is not that of when, but how." waiting to have sex until marriage is strict following of a book that every educated man in the world would rebuff, do you believe the world was created in six days? NO,,, so please do not question my intelligence, I was a rhodes scholar at age 19…

  17. Eric says:

    You know, the article (and accompanying pictures) were pretty funny, but they can't hold a candle to the myopic, nonsensical and ill-humored people who've commented on it. You people are a riot – unintentionally, of course.

  18. Tom says:

    Any women that would go home with a guy after a few hours is a whore and I wouldn't trust them to not have any diseases. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer to get to know someone before I would even sleep with them. Seriously girls… why would you hook up with a guy at a bar to go home have him pump you a few times while he goes and you get left wanting. Most guys are dicks and will just do it until they go and then stop. Where the pleasure for the women? You chicks like being treated like that? Have more respect for yourself.

  19. Fiona says:

    umm…arent you at the bar for the same reason as

    all these 'creepy' people?

  20. Slutmuffin says:

    Tom: "You chicks like being treated like that?"

    Me: yes.

  21. Anthony Proulx says:

    I'm a guy and I've NEVER gone home with anyone from any bar.

  22. Mary says:

    Wait until marriage to have sex? Since when in the history of mankind had sex been bad? Is abstaining a good thing? If so then we as a species would die out. There is no one in this world that can convince me that sex is dirty, bad, or should be restricted. I am 31 years old and have yet to be married. Not that I haven't had offers. I have been asked seven times, and it is a good thing I didn't accept. If I would have said yes to the first guy I would be locked in a closet somewhere and beaten daily. I am still looking for my soul mate. Without experience you cannot know what is a quality choice. Not to mention I didn't experience an orgasm until the fifth guy I was with. So I would have been married to an abusing, two pump wonder and miserable adhering to the wait until marriage theory because i would have lacked the experience to know the difference and thought my marriage was normal. PFFT on virginity. I don't want a virgin man, why would a man want a virgin woman unless he sucks in bed. If he does than the rest of my life with bad sex is torture. Masturbation would be my only reprieve and let me guess that is BAD too.

  23. e v i l e d d y says:

    Yet millions of women go home with millions of men from bars every night.

    Don't kid yerself.. women are just as ruled by their genitals as men are.. even more when they drink as all that social pressure to be seen as virginal goes out the window… "Girls gone wild" anybody?

  24. Mary says:

    Who are you talking about sand?

  25. Virtue says:

    Wow no one has posted a link to the Ladder theory yet?

  26. Derek says:

    So you won't go home with 5 guys out of the 50+ at a bar? I think you'd be on the list of 5 girls I won't go home with; the bar skank with a false sense of superiority.

  27. Justin says:

    Tom, you sound like a guy who rarely has sex. You also sound like a guy who fears sexuality. Get over it. Sex is fun and very enjoyable for many people and if those involved want to be involved and are safe about it then there is nothing wrong. A woman who enjoys sex is not a "whore," she is simply a woman who enjoys sex. If you fear STDs then learn about condom use and dental dams.

    In regards to the list it is supposed to be humor. People really need to lighten up on the comments. Safety is a major issue, but again the list is supposed to be humor…

  28. sdfsd says:

    Wow FREE xbox live Points for doing easy surveys. .

  29. Al says:

    Men are attracted to women who are worth chasing, not those harlots that'll slut around with any odd guy they find attractive. Keep that in mind when you're sitting by the phone wondering why the guy whose cum you just swallowed isn't calling you back. People get what they deserve when they make superficial judgments.

  30. Jim says:

    The type of girl no guy wants to go home with: Jennifer and Liz. Shut up you dumb holes.

  31. ha. says:

    Rian. Has anyone ever told you that you're a stuck up prick?

    Saying anyone with the slightest bit of intelligence is an atheist is an extremely ignorant thing to say, and you know it. Don't generalize every follower of Christianity, not all believers take the Bible literally. It's cool you don't believe in a higher power, but why try to set out on a mission with the sole intention of making people feel bad about themselves? I say let people believe what they want, if it makes them happy. If you learn to do the same, you might not be such an asshole.

    But you obviously have some sort of chip on your shoulder towards religious followers, which is causing you to come off as a cliche, pompous, and rather ignorant atheist.

    Your points against trying to live a safe (and respectable) life are laughable and obviously reached for. Why does it bother you if girls don't want to take any random guy from a bar home? Just because a woman doesn't want to appear promiscuous does not mean she lives in a box for Christ's sake.

  32. stripesonfire says:

    this list is utterly retarded.. and you all fail at commenting.

  33. e v i l e d d y says:

    "Men are attracted to women who are worth chasing, not those harlots that’ll slut around with any odd guy they find attractive. Keep that in mind when you’re sitting by the phone wondering why the guy whose cum you just swallowed isn’t calling you back. People get what they deserve when they make superficial judgments."

    Please give me the numbers of these cumswallowing women. NAO!!!

  34. carol says:

    I take it, this was supposed to be funny? Some of the comments are serious as a heart attack. I thought the pictures were funny. Hell I think I even recognized a couple of those guys. But then some types are universal. To go home with any of those guys pictured, I would have to be blind drunk, and the bar would have to be dark, and at home I would have to forget the lights. But just think of the morning after surprise.

  35. Kevico Suave says:


    I've met women and really connected with them at a bar/club. It's really pretty artificial to apply a 3rd date rule since I would suspect that some dangerous creep would be able to get past the first couple of dates. I think it's silly to not give in to passion and intensity of the moment if there's a real connection. This isn't to say women (and men too) shouldn't be cautious and get to know some basics about the other person first to make sure they're safe…and to have friends check as well, but if both parties are safe and consenting, there's really nothing wrong with it.


    How're you doing?

  36. Chris says:

    I guess none of you read

    Girls go home with the old creepy dudes all the time. The title of this article should be something more like:

    Guys that girls HOPE they don't get caught with.

  37. WangChung says:

    All I can say is, holy shit ladies, lighten up. Possibly think of developing a sense of humor?

  38. Mike says:

    You're all a bunch of dumbasses.

  39. Paul Alfred Smith says:

    I am Divorced. I don't like to be single. After 49 years of being married to a lovely lady I re-married to another lovely lady that was from South America. We had a Communication problem and after 5 1/2 years she decided that she wanted a divorce. I didn't fight her because I believe if people are not happy together then they need to move on. I still miss my first wife and I would welcome her back anytime if she could come back from the grave. I don,t like being single and alone but I will probably not find anyone that would meet my requirements. I am looking for a Nurse with a big Purse and she needs to have an hour glass figure and a Big Generious Heart. I am an old Prune Face and in Poor Health. My ideal new mate would need to be a self sacraficing, loving, kind and

    forgiving personality. I am old and set in my own ways. I am not very easy to get along with most of the time. If you feel that you qualify just drop me an e-mail to I am looking forward to talking with some of you sweet ladies and see if we can find enough in common to ger personal.

  40. noneofurbuisness says:

    LOL well I'm off to destroy society Mel better use your purity ring to stop me :P

  41. Paul Alfred Smith says:

    We are all created in the image and likenesss of God. We all have a spark of Divenity within us. We have unlimited potential. Sex outside of marriage is wrong. Girls you need to have more respect for your beautiful bodies than to jump in the sack with anyone without love and commitment. You are selling yourself short when you take chances on getting diseased up or pregnant just for a few minutes of pleasure.

    This is not real love when we give into our passions. Un wanted pregnancy is preventable. Abortion is wrong and it is taking the life of an inocent child. Children

    come fom God and should be treated as such. Women are Co-Creaters with God to bring children into this world and to teach them right from wrong. I am a convert to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I know that their teachings are true. If you want a copy of The Book Of Mormon just Email me and I will see that you get a free copy. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is a Gospel of Love. We have two great commandments. The first is to love The Lord Our God with all of our Heart, Mind, and Strength and the second is to love our Neighbor as our selves. If we love each other we are not going to do harm to others. We should treat others as we would like to be treated. I welcome comments..

  42. noah says:

    I chuckled. However, your standard is pretty much outed. Was it worth it to be a clown and risking your reputation? Psychological explanation aside (as Jennifer mentioned partly), 'we have standard' sounded very condescending – you shouldn't be dating any guys if you hold us in such low regard (we know we are easily manipulated but… nm). I for one never go out with girls who go to bar at night to pickup guys.

  43. The smart one says:

    Ok so Melanee, do you get all your morals fro 1950s PSAs? Sex is an impulse, an increase in hormons to procreate and advance the species, it's morons like you that are ruining this country by trying to make teenagers bursting with hormones and urges to supress. Supression of urges is never healthy, and leads to psychological scarring (case in point: you). Teach safety, teach respolnsibility, but for the love of Science, abstinance is NOT the answer, it's the pussy way out.

  44. Herman Li says:

    I'm willing to bet if you looked at the last 50 guys this chick went home with from a bar you couldn't tell one from another.

  45. Paul Alfred Smith says:

    We live in a world where anything goes. Many of our good citizens have given up on life. 75% of our population are over weight. Some are so overweight that they must be in misery. Much of the food we eat is depleated of Nutrients.

    Soda Pop and diet drinks are not good for you. The Food And Drug Administration (FDA) is sold out to the Food And Drug Companies. Over weight people eat more food and get sick more ofter. I know that education is the answer. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Our bodies are a miracle andd are created to last longer, with proper maintenance. We have a health care crises and Our Government is trying to Force Socialized Medicine onto us. I agree our health care system needs to be fixed but I don't believe Socialized Medicine is the way to go. We need more freedom of choice. Some of the Miracle Drugs will save your life when nothing else will do. We need our Health Care Professionals to teach more prevention. The Drugs should be the last choice in my opinion. When they get us on a Drug they want to keep us on that drug for the rest of our lives. I think that is wrong.

    I believe that the Food and Drug Companies have a monoply and through their PAC's) Controll our Elected Officials.They have a good thing going for them and the price tag is on the backs of many of our citizens that can least afford to pay. Yes it does need to be fixed but when we go further into Socialism we are making Our Great Country a Third World Nation. Is that what we want? Our Constitution was Given to us by Almighty God that we could enjoy liberty and freedom if we would only serve Him. Freedom comes with a price tag and most of our citizens don't seem to care about freedom. I hope we awake before it is too late. I welcome your coments.

  46. Elle says:

    Calm it down people! Katie your articles keep getting better and better. This was crack-me-up hilarious. It's sad that people are trying to nit pick at what they can, just to start a debate, that realistically probably won't go anywhere. Oh, but what about the ones that are mixtures of these?? Nightmare!!! :)

  47. JF says:

    that`s why I prefer going home withs strippers, seriously why bother with those self-absorbed nitpicking girls

  48. TheBlueKoala says:


    I'm the creepy guy that you refer to in this article.

    I have a lot to say about this, and since this is a judment party,I'll take the liberty to break it down to you and then judge you too.

    First, I'll start with the most offensive:

    "Older Guy Who Doesn’t Really Belong At the Bar"

    Where do I begin?

    First off, No one is too old to walk into a bar.

    2nd, this type age discrimination is what keeps your mind closed.

    "Homie came to the bar because he wants to score some young hotties and too bad for him because we’re not gonna take any part in that"

    I find it fascinating how you can identify a person's motives based on their age. Most people go out on week-ends to have fun and have a few drinks. If there is 1 guy that most women would not bring home, it would be the one that is out looking for tail; regardless of age; they are pretty easy to detect.

    "Oversized Bouncer With Neckbeard"

    He's in control and he's tall; that negates the fact that this person is probably socially awkward. All the women love him but none are in love with him. Nobody seems to know what this person is actually about other than the bartenders. Most are complete d-bags but some are actually very good people.

    "Creepy Creeper Guy"

    Likes to watch people at a distance and spends his times doing conducts psychological analysis. As much as you don't want to have anything to do with him, he probably doesn't want to have anything to do with you. As long as he has self-respect that is.

    "Sweaty, Smelly Guy"

    Some people sweat more than others. Some people smell too, but there's no excuse for that. Take a shower and put on deodorant.

    If other people's sweat bothers you so much, you'd be quite unhappy to find out how many life forms are exhaled from other people every breath they take.

    "Guy Making Out With Everyone Else At the Bar"

    Ya, that's just wrong; this person has a tendency to get kicked out and/or banned.

    I'm sure there's many more type of people you wouldn't want to bring home into your bedroom; such as the guy who goes around complimenting everything that owns a vagina and is afraid of anything else that has a penis; or maybe even the guy who roid rages over anything no matter how irrelevant or inoffensive it may be.

    All in all, I find your article lacks a certain depth and over generalizes people with little or no basis. I certainly get the impression that you are very superficial. To say that if any guy can fit in any of the 5 categories listed above are not able to bring a girl home is quite foolish. Even the ugliest, smelliest and creepiest guys can get laid a lot more than I can, and I'm very good looking.

    On another note of me judging you:

    Here's how I think your life is going to go:

    You'll meet a nice football player who's tall and good looking. He's going to get a good job. You are going to get married in Hawaii. He is going to grow a beer belly. He will get a hernia. You will be unattracted to him. You will have an affair. He is going to find out. You will have a divorce. Your 2 children will be miserable. You are going to sell your ex-husband's dog. Your son will be gay. Your daughter will hate you and date all these people you have listed in that top 5 of yours. You will suffer from depression and take a different cocktail of pills each year to keep you from realizing how really miserable you are. You'll max out your credit card on plastic surgery in hopes to make yourself more attractive and try to pick up teenage boys, bribe them with beer and spread syphilis; end up in the local newspaper as a sexual predator.

    Yes, I think you're THAT shallow.

    Yes, I AM a TOTAL ASS.

    I'm different from you in at least one way:

    I REALIZE that I'm an ass.

    BTW: props to Slutmuffin on acknowledging that she's a whore.

    1. Mac says:

      I totally agree, god analysis.

  49. turd ferg says:

    I agree. I think this was a waste of my time. INFACT… anything that comes out of all your mouths (fingers) is probably a waste of time for everybody.

    With that in mind.. go slit your wrists, and wonder why you never went home with anybody ever and lead a useless life.

    Michigan SUCKS as a state university and place.

  50. John says:

    There are some uptight women on here. SOME of you need to get laid. This post has gotten way too much play from the ranting psycho chics, whom I would not take home from any bar unless they allowed me to gag them (oops…not to be a crazy guy though)or they promised not to speak.

  51. John says:

    go to the coffee shop and read your laptop all night.

  52. elvis says:

    i can't believe the level of over analyzing comments to this supposed funny article. Sex is good, go get laid people.

  53. John Davis says:

    I dunno, I have to disagree. I am in my mid 40s and have no problem at all picking up chicks in their 20s at night clubs. I guess the Rolex and Ferrari might have something to do with it, but its all good!


  54. Anonymo says:

    I find that one-night-stand study humorous, because girls will have casual sex with the most attractive men, who are also btw the ones that have the most casual sex. Therefore the women all have sex with the same hot-but-slutty guys, who should theoretically also have the most diseases. Good logic there, girls!

  55. Clemdane says:

    There seem to be a lot of the guys from the article posting on here…

  56. Chris says:

    Well done Melanee, although the sarcasm appears to have been lost on many.

  57. zer0nix says:

    great; now i have one more reason not to go to bars, i'm the creeper.

    PS: bluekoala, you rock.

  58. Andrew says:

    In other news, Katie from Michigan State will occasionally take guys home from the bar. Just not the five listed above. But as long as you're a douche bag frat boy, that's probably okay.

  59. tom says:

    I think I'm a creepy creeper guy, but I get laid all the time, your list is screwed up.

  60. Jordan says:

    Everyone on this forum (Except Slutmuffin and Rian) sound like this: “Boo-hoo people that hook up at bars are dirty, nobody does that!”

    Um… what?! Everytime I step foot in a nightclub it’s PACKED with HUNDREDS (given the club is big enough) of beautiful, single girls who will talk to you, flirt, kiss, make nice in general and if it goes that way, end up in bed together (You’re welcome btw). The fact remains that people DO go to clubs to have fun and sometimes hook up. How is it that in all these clubs guys out there are having sex but women aren’t? All you people (excluding the Bible thumpers- why you’re on this page about hookups and hanging out in bars I don’t know, you’re creeping me out since you don’t even belong here, and I have a feeling Slutmuffin isn’t the type to be guilt-tripped into thinking your way) are LIARS about not hooking up at bars cuz I know you DO. How do I know? Cuz I’ve done ya. Twice (the second time you weren’t as drunk, and the line ‘I’ve never done anything like this before’ is 100% BS).
    So relax everyone: if you do hook up in bars with people, great, awesome, have fun and USE PROTECTION. Have your cellphone and your wits about you ready in case he turns weird on ya, because nobody is that dumb not to have a backup plan. Ted Bundy was one guy out of MILLIONS in a cityscape, a statistical anomaly that probably won’t occur. Thinking about it possibly happening to you could be replaced by much more interesting pursuits, since you’re BORING me already.
    If you don’t hook up, if you’re religious and you are waiting for marriage, that’s your choice and you reap what you sow, so JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED and GTFO this page. I guarantee you I won’t see you at the bar or the dance club, so why post here you filthy trollers–> religious troll is barking up the wrong tree.

    @Tom: Um, isn’t talking for 6 hours considered ‘getting to know someone?’ How many hours is the limit before you find compatibility? See, there’s a difference between ‘random hookup’ where you find each other and make out within minutes, know you’re getting some and go your separate ways afterwards, and ‘connecting’ with people: talking for hours on end and never having a lull in the conversation. You don’t want the night to end because everything seems right with the world, and even though you exchanged numbers you still feel so close that you decide to share a cab… and etc etc. Is that being a whore? Show me where to draw the line, because sometimes, people have ‘human feelings’ for each other on a profound level. Some even end up together from a night out, I know several relationships that are engaged/ married from meeting at a bar or club. It’s why we’re out there man, not everyone is a whore looking for a cheap thrill. I used to be a big man-whore, but I was still choosy about it. Old fashioned? More like just plain old.

    PS Not that being a whore is a bad thing, but please, stop calling.

  61. Star says:

    To sum up the comments for those who don't have the time to read them:

    "College Candy posts a sex article. Which is what the site is about. People freak out. Religious debates ensue. Rinse, lather, repeat."

  62. Hatu says:

    Nice job ladies, way to have men completely figured out.

    I bet if I wrote an article claiming that women don't have standards, or made any sort of blanket judgement for that matter, I'd get an earful from the lot of you.


  63. Herman Li says:

    @Star so by your logic, if this is a sex site, you can post just about anything pertaining to sex e.g. child pornography and people has just have to take it, can't hold you accountable.

  64. mollyjo says:

    Neck beard, I ROFL….! there are so many comments, I wish I could debate…but that's been done already! buttt……

    To mr. Paul Alfred Smith;

    "We all have a spark of Divenity within us. We have unlimited potential."

    -since when does an occasional romp limit your potential!

    "You are selling yourself short when you take chances on getting diseased up or pregnant just for a few minutes of pleasure."

    -smart girls don' take chances, they are hopefully SAFE!

    You spout off crap about loving thy neighbor, and sex only in marriage, when biblical figures not only had multiple wives and concubines, (and could beat them, YAY!) but stoned people to death….oh, and Job offered up his virgin daughters to a mob so they could rape them. end of story. sorry, you lose.

  65. mollyjo says:

    oh, and a big fat PS…

    "it is not real love to give into our passions"

    DUH. Who says I am trolling for love. Obviously not in a bar with my skankkkkay lil black dress and landing strip. OOPS. And don't worry…. ;) I treat others how I'd like to be treated ;)

  66. Casey says:

    Holy shit! What is with these comments!?

    Rian, I don't take the bible literally, at all. I believe the world was created in "6 days" which is actually more like thousands of years apart. I believe evolution goes hand in hand with the bible. So great job stereotyping anyone and everyone who "believes in the bible" Believing in the bible doesn't make anyone unintelligent. However, telling people that their beliefs are wrong does. I could care less what school you went to or how young you "became a Rhodes scholar" because honestly you can't back that "fact" up on an anonymous website any more then you can back up your claim that god isn't real. Saying you know for a fact that god isn't real makes you sound very unintelligent, since no one knows for sure (of course most people just assume he isn't cause it sounds far fetched, but that's the whole point of faith isn't it?)

    I don’t live my life in fear, I just don’t do obviously stupid things like go home with a random guy that I’ve known for less than 24 hours and only when I’m completely shit faced. But I’ve jumped out of planes, and off bridges and cliffs. Things where my life and safety are in my own hands and not some stranger I met 5 hours ago when I was drunk.

    Oh and I have had plenty of sex in my life, and I’ve never been married. Good job stereotyping though. You’re certainly not proving that “Rhodes scholar intelligence” that you claim to have.

    And star, There is more to a relationship then just sex. Chances are if you have a great relationship then the sex will be just as good. And you can always get better. Together! To limit a couples compatibility to sex is very naïve, and shows a lack of understanding of relationships. And to say that waiting for marriage to have sex means that people will get married purely to have sex is absurd! I’m not sure if that’s how you meant it, so sorry if it’s not, but that’s how it came across. People are certainly capable of loving each other without having sex. As people who share your views always point out, sex does not equal love. And “the bible is a work of fiction” is your opinion, it’s not a fact.

  67. justsayin says:

    all i know is god says not to bump uglies until marriage (not his literal words) think about if everyone waited until they were married lost there virginity together and stayed together there hole lives that would basically irradicate and STD's.

  68. the violator says:

    i don't know about the whole older guy who doesn't belong at the bar thing. i mean there are all kinds of bars. some cter to different crowds and such. not every bar is a frat bar.

    1. KayyT says:

      I think that this article is speaking about college bars since it's on College Candy. College bars aren't really a scene for older guys.

  69. […] 5 Guys We Won’t Go Home With It’s a well-known fact that guys will go home with just about anything when they’re drunk.  It’s […] […]

  70. RIP Les Paul says:

    […] 5 Guys Women Don’t Wanna go Home With […]

  71. doesnotmatter says:

    Do you notice that individuals speak their minds yet always end up accepting some profoundly stupid opinion? In the rant/story, the description about the 'creepy guy' is just unfair. Why judge someone before even getting to know them? And why accept 'people judge' because that's just what people do? Have you ever stopped to think that you're just not attractive, and he knows?

  72. Devin says:

    73 comments on this post? I think more than one person misinterpreted the meaning of college candy…

    You girls know how to market this blog though:

  73. forlulz says:

    To Jennifer

    What you fail to realise is the article written was a brief tongue-in-cheek view of the bar scene, not a life guide. Do your self a favor, put down Germaine Greer for a second, have a good shave, go out, get drunk, and if a man talks to you, deny your first instinct to speak, just smile. This is why you're still single and hairy.

  74. captiveenrapture says:

    HAHA. Loving the post not bad at all!! hahah.!!!!

    lol!!. Would love to make a review of your site on my blog!!! Totaly awsum!!!.


  75. stfu says:

    Now now.. The only difference on what men and women will sleep with comes down to one thing. We all know that most (not all) young women will 'go home' with and have sex with any array of disgusting guys (and even their pet donkeys, horses, and dogs) if there is a decent sum of money involved. Sorry, truth hurts.

  76. Mike says:

    I noticed, "Guy with Too Much Money" was not on the list.

  77. Dannysh says:

    You forgot the famous Danish child raper Anders Gravers.

  78. […] Five Guys Girls Won’t Go Home With (College Candy) […]

  79. What Haveyou says:

    "If you take a guy home from a bar, who are a whore, plain and simple. People at bars and clubs are trash. Learn to have some respect for yourselves girls."

    Then what are YOU doing there, retard? And we can assume that none of your friends need your advice, since you'd never hang out with the kind of "trash" that would go to one of these cesspools.

    Have fun sitting at home.

  80. JR says:

    Those who say about older guys going to a bar is out of there mind, yes if there 60+ maybe but older men can go as much as younger guys, so kiss my ass

  81. […] housewives of new york city! gawker « » five guys you definitely won't go home with … college candy « Tags: Gossip Gossip, hollywood scandal, POP […]

  82. Star says:

    @Herman Li – Your comment makes absolutely no sense. I said this was a sex site and we talk about sex, and you jump to child pornography? I fail to see the connection anywhere on this board, let alone in my own comment.

  83. burn says:

    Let us not degrade guys. We have taste. There are "many" girls I won't touch with a 20 foot pole. Old gold, skanks,ones that will do it with the dog, hog, or whatever or whoever. Purely drunk ones that have no class whatsoever. Ones that need multiple paper bags over their head to even be considered in the lineup, fat, overly perfumed, dresses slutty….pimply, greasy hair, tattooed, got earring through every orifice. (If I want cannibal babe I will go to Africa)gawdy jewellery, loudmouths,money chasers, snobs because they got money, think they got the looks, slovenly. I missed some so add probably half dozen to the list.

    just a guys perspective.

  84. […] By Katie | College Candy var infolink_pid = […]

  85. Casey says:

    so anonymn, you're saying those are the only kinds of girls that exist? It's understandable that a guy looking for a random hookup (which is based purely on looks and first impressions, let's be honest here.) would not be interested in any of those girls.

  86. lauren says:

    Burn: LMFAO. So basically, you don't have sex with any girl. HAHAHHA. It must be hard to be so disgustingly ugly that no girl in the world will have sex with you. Too bad.

  87. Genghis says:

    Here's my 10 cents (inflation) worth:

    1) Those who are promiscuous: Use condoms.

    2) Those who want to know the "victim" better: Use condoms.

    3) Those who are engaged: Get tested. Continue using condoms.

    4) Those who are married: Get a divorce when you find a condom in his wallet or her purse.

  88. Genghis says:

    Could somebody please pay the models who posed for these pictures?

  89. […] Everyone has their standards.  And these following types of guys probably wouldn’t get the digits, for reasons about to be mentioned… here. […]

  90. Casey says:

    I don't understand the attacks against Burn. If I was a guy I wouldn't want to fuck any of those girls either. They are all either 1. Annoying, 2. Skanky (and probably with STD's) or 3. going to use me. Why would ANYONE want to sleep with anyone categorized under one of those?

  91. sajansan says:

    Quite hilarious one. :)

  92. anonymn says:

    I am a troll.

  93. harith says:

    Absolutely this is true.

  94. […] 1. Hits on your friend/roomie/stranger, get rejected, and then hits on you. 2. Insults your clothing, weight, physical attributes. This is not second grade! If someone likes you they don’t need to hurt your feelings to let you know. 3. Introduces himself by anything other than his name. I.E. Mr. Lover-Lover, Your new boyfriend, Pimp Daddy 4. Licks his lips while listening to the words you’re saying. 5. Disses his ex-girlfriend within the first ten seconds of meeting you. 6. Thinks he’s God’s greatest gift to you and believes you owe him something because he spoke to you. 7. Calls you be anything other than your first name before being introduced to you. 8. Ogles other girls while chatting you up. 9. Looks at anything other than your eyes, face, back of your head as you walk away. 10. Insults and generalizesall womankind. I.E. You women are too high strung. 11. Compliments a facial feature in reference to a sexual act. (Think lips.) 12. Looks like a slob…with his boxers/briefs/crack exposed. 13. Calls you by the wrong name. Even if he just met you, he should get your name right. Note: if he calls you “baby,” “sweetheart,” or any other term of affection, it doesn’t mean he likes you. It means he can’t remember your name. 14. He’s drinking a glass of white wine. At the club. 15. He reminds you of one of these guys. […]

  95. Brian says:

    Unfortunately I think i'm two of these guys.

  96. […] 5 Guys We Won’t Go Home With [CollegeCandy] […]

  97. V says:

    Oh my god. Some of the people commenting here sound more like 45 year old mothers of teenagers rather than college students. I can't believe how judgemental and paranoid some of these posters are. You can't spent your youth worrying that every goodlooking guy interested in you is a raping serial killer (besides this attitude moves into the realm of rape prevention and inevitably victim blame)or overthinking the propriety or "morality" of every encounter with the opposite sex (what are you Jane Austen?). Of course you should look out for yourself and your friends, that's a given, but not taking any risks now is something you will probably regret later on.

    Ps. Great article

  98. sherri says:

    So dont go to bars to pick up guys.. go use match and eHarmony.. whatever.. you think using online dating sites is any different? I like to tease and play :)

  99. valkyrie9 says:

    It says "5 guys we won't go home with." It does not say "but every other guy at the bar is a possibility."

    This is a JOKE guys. Seriously. It's like going on College Humor's "Drunk-o-Vision" articles to give a rant on the virtues of temperance, or on the Landover Baptist site to rant about how STOOOPID religious fundamentalists are.

    You're so desperate for a place to express your "women who like sex are whores"/"women are too picky and are keeping smelly creepers like me from getting laid"/"everybody abstain & dedicate their genitals to Jesus" platforms and since this article relates vaguely, you assume that you can hop on your soapboxes and miss the entire point of the post.

    P.S. Stop flattering yourself, sexist dudes. We really are not interested in having sex with you, so we do not give a shit whether you think we are whores or not enough of whores or whatever. We are not going to raise/lower our standards to fit what you deem appropriate for women, so just shut up about it and complain on some other site full of like-minded men who are frustrated that women have brains and opinions and won't bend to their every will.

  100. GiL says:

    The pretentiousness and arrogance of whatever bitch wrote this is astounding- the concept of putting men into these 'categories' is pathetic.

    eg- The guy making out with everyone else at the bar– oh what's the matter you jealous when you see an attractive male hitting on someone ELSE? go twist your titty- or the "creepy guy" *hint hint* he is creepy because he doesn't actually feel like talking with you- what the fuck is up your anus? and ending it all with 'who's going home alone' as if you can somehow speak for all women on what the ideal match is- Girls that goto clubs 24/7 on a regular basis (and guys for that matter too) isn't it painfully obvious quantity is a little more important to them then quality??-

  101. Darwin - New York Un says:

    People really need to calm down, it's a joke… And no offense Gil, we all have stereotypes and categorize.

  102. Cstar says:

    First of all, Rian is correct. She is not saying that you are not intelligent if you are not an atheist. She is saying that people focus so much on afterlife that they forget to live life. Sex is a beautiful thing. Why would you want to be extremely frustrated until marriage? Wouldn't you want to know how your partner was in bed first??

  103. kris says:

    Jennifer: You can't rape the willing. Ever think that some women enjoy sex? You don't speak for all women, especially those who ENJOY sex with MEN.

  104. Anon says:

    I agree with Mike. This is why comedy articles and list based humor sites are so rarely directed at women. Most completely miss the funny and move directly to judgment. Open your eye's dumbasses, it's just a stupid list to give you a chuckle and then forget about.

  105. Betty says:

    Nothing to hide huh are you with my husband cause I haven't gotten it in 2 years. I go to school and I can't do my home work with all this imaturety. When do you actually get it when you neighbors children get of the bus on his coffee break or when that other guy is just stoping and doesn't have his blinker on I draw in Plenty of attention I don't need sexual harassment too. Most people think I'm gorgeous. YOU! YEAH YOU! your his controling girlfrind that wont give me a job, cause you follow him to work. I mean his sister that won't stop speading rumor so I started Some of my own Want some of this hottie?then let me do my home work i'm not babysitting. Do you guys Know any one some guy yeah dick wang penis junk goodies? I don't need the jewels you should see me now. Is your baby a one night stand that your boyfrind can't get over yeah his friends friend friend of the family friend of a friend.. family

  106. Betty says:

    Didn't you know guy with to much money is going to pay you for your wonderful needs

    He won't be there if you just wan't to say stay in and get something going he can buy dinner and every one will see you out with you new suggerr daddy. Or he'll just pay you to work in bed so you'll go out and work it this loser will come along and you be trying to explane to everyone what happened the saw you doing it and didn't warn you? well at least I can pretend to learn something I don't know. By the way do you Know his name at all? I think I had him too. His brothers better and knows better too:guy with too much money! I'm worth more …… your life might be worth more but thats cause your using him let me knoiw when I'm done falling in love I might be sick. Nobody wants to get late by the way let me do my homework and I'll stop making you jealous hes probably in a state of mind where he see just black or glimpses of things.Have you been there?I'm not even tierd do you think you can wake him up to see if he'll come over for a little while and I have a TRAINeD DOGGY

  107. Betty says:

    Yeah in real time real life all I do is respect myself but sometimes I go out on a whim and expect him to but my god I picked him up at the bar. Does he have a family? Kids? Married? Respect himself? Do I know him? The only reason I like grocery shopping is to see who's out there these men are single but hard to get. there single! they want to be single!

  108. DankBoy3030 says:

    Haha BlueKoala funniest thing I've read on the internet in weeks, LMFAO. But seriously, you saying that guys don't have standards is so stupid, of course they do.

  109. HAHAHA NO says:

    The comments are hilarious but seriously I was under the impression that women could have orgasms but apparently most of the ones here would "get absolutely nothing out of it".


  110. Wow... says:

    So I bet you guys feel awesome arguing over a blog about college girls? Right. Not to say all this anger isn't hilarious but really? was typing out that giant paragraph worth it? Because more than likely, no one cares.

  111. thebadnun says:

    the old guys at the bar are known,to me anyways,as geriatric gigalos.they're nasty.they never seem to get the hint that i dont want to talk to them and that the excuse of "im gay"isn't true-its to get them to leave me alone!

  112. Alison says:

    I personally don't go home with strangers but I thought this article was hilarious!! Because I totally see those guys out all the time haha. This list is here for laughs and it doesn't mean the author will go home with every guy not on the list; these are just the worst of the worst haha.

  113. criolle johnny says:

    Guys don't worry about going home with "that girl". We worry about WAKING UP with her!

    We can also do a walk of shame.

  114. […] • 5 Guys that will never get laid […]

  115. […] 5 Guys that will never get laid This entry was posted on Friday, May 14th, 2010 at 3:26 am and is filed under Celeb Scandal. […]

  116. […] lying awake.  He’s right there next to you, eyes closed, drooling on your favorite pillow.  He has to leave.  Now.  Do you get out of bed […]

  117. […] times the douchey guys who are approaching you are in for a challenge and once they conquered that challenge they will find a new one.  The […]

  118. […] Creepers. Walking into a bar with no man on your arm is like an open invitation for creepers to creep all creepy on you. And it’s not the end of the world to do the whole “I’ve got a boyfriend,” […]

  119. […] Creepers: I mean, do I really even need to say […]

  120. John says:

    Thank you Blue Koala! Well said. You forgot the money guy. Lord knows I started getting laid more when I traded in my SUV for a Cedez. Pathetic ladies, u r pathetic and predictable.

  121. […] out towards the room.  If you are huddled over a table or facing the bar, no one (or usually not the guys you want) are going to approach […]

  122. […] rump. You do a little dance, pause, and take a picture of your friend getting humped from behind by a total shadester. Then you gather the girls together for a […]

  123. […] being said, I’m not gonna go home with just anybody. I have standards, thank you very much. And just because those standards get a little lower when […]

  124. STD Victim says:

    you forgot OLDER GUY SPREADING HPV a.k.a. Craig C. Santoro a.k.a. Psycho Cop. he has this STD and he refuses to wear a condom.

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  126. i'm creepy and i will keep looking at you as long as i want!

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