F**k Ed Hardy

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“Hey Christian Audigier… Thanks for ruining America…” is how my new favorite song, F**k Ed Hardy, by Dirt Nasty starts.

Christian Audigier, the man who brought us overpriced trucker hats in 2001, is now ruining the world once again with his latest line, Don Ed Hardy. Obvi you know about this stuff, seeing as everyone from Paris Hilton to Lil Jon to the players of Inter Milan (an Italian soccer team) sport the stuff.

And I have to say: I really effing hate Ed Hardy.

Now, I’m not the usual one to bash on things, but after hearing for two years how ‘cute’ Ed Hardy is and having friends coo over the shirt, shoes, hats and other accessories… I’m absolutely sick of it. Instead of just wrinkling my nose in distaste and immediately walking to the other side of Nordstrom, here are actual reasons why I hate that crap.

You with me?

1. It’s Ugly
As Dirt Nasty kindly points out, “Who had a seizure? It must have been the dude that made that tee-shirt.” Let’s go through the anatomy of a regular Ed Hardy tee, shall we?

The design itself starts out about (depending on the shirt) five inches above the hem. Nothing wrong with that, just a normal tee shirt… Except after those inoffensive few inches, it’s literally like some child took out the markers and just just drew a bunch of unrelated crap on a poor quality tee.

I get it; the images are based off of tattoo artist Ed Hardy’s work, but really Christian? What the hell do skulls; roses; tigers; hearts; eagles; top hats the words “peace,” “tattoos” and my personal favorite “love kills slowly”; have to do with each other?  And why does he have to add even more ugly to the mess and plaster his name on top?  Is it because it is so aesthetically important that “Christian Audigier” be scrawled across a woman’s chest? Or perhaps he envisioned a mob of men, women and children pestering – nay, DEMANDING – the wearer where they got such a cool tee.

And what makes this t-shirt different than any other graphic tee? The ugly design and the brand name? Please, I’m not wasting my money on this. Which brings me to…

2. It’s Expensive

The cheapest tee shirt on Ed Hardy’s website is $62. 62 bucks (which is approximately 10 hours working minimum wage with taxes taken out) for a 100% cotton shirt. Rhinestoned tunics can go for $176. What else can you buy for $176? A pair of jeans from J Brand, or a pair of Marc Jacobs shoes at theoutnet.com, or about seven dresses from Forever 21, or almost 2 iPhone 3G’s, or basically the amount of money you’ll spend on food from Wal-Mart during your first 2 ½ months away at school. Or, you know, you can spend that $176+ shipping and taxes on an ugly bedazzled t-shirt. It’s up to you.

3. Even Perez Hilton hates it

Perez Hilton – who has had hair ever color of the rainbow, who wore a brown velour suit jacket to New Year’s 2008 with Tila Tequila, who basically defines tacky – hates Ed Hardy. His nickname for the designer? Christian AudiGaudy. If Perez Hilton thinks you’re gaudy then I don’t even think Stacy London can help you.

4. Jon Gosselin is designing a clothing line for Audigier

This may not have to do as much with Ed Hardy as it does with its designer, but it only seems to anger me more. I’ve seen Project Runway. I’ve seen The Fashion Show. I know for a fact that there are lots of talented designers out there who don’t have the means of expressing their creativity. So Audigier looks past all of these Parsons and Central Saint Martin’s grads and lets Jon Gosselin design a kids line? Way to pick one of the top 10 people LEAST suited to design a line of children’s tees, right in between Carrot Top and Fidel Castro.

5. This guy puts his name on everything

Ed Hardy cups, air fresheners, seat covers, vodka? What the hell is Ed Hardy vodka!?

So next time you find yourself looking over one of his many shirts, don’t be “an Ed Hardy fan… aka I am a maggot” as Andy Milonakis raps, and put the item of clothing down. Then, walk over to H&M and spend that $100 on something that’s stylish, cute and doesn’t make you look like a clueless fashion victim.

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