Single. And Walking Down the Aisle.

August 14, 2009 4:00 pm     Posted in Advice, Relationships  Dannia- Loyola University Chicago g+ page

Wedding_aisle_decorated1


By Dannia

I thought I would be at least 25 before this became an issue. I’m a bridesmaid. Yes, blah blah, happy occasion, etc, etc. But let’s get down to the nitty gritty.

First, I have to lose enough weight that the size 4 dress I ordered actually fits (I got a little overzealous after my skinny pants fit.) Second, I am the only bridesmaid who does not have a long term boyfriend. Meaning I either attend several wedding functions as the only solo gal, or I shell out some major cash dollaz for one of my guy friends to fly out to the wedding with me. Both options are giving me ulcers. Third, I’m jealous. Not that my friend is happy (because I’m amazingly glad she is) or because I want a husband (oh no, no, absolutely not), but because she has her whole life figured out…and I’m still deciding which kegger to go to tomorrow night.

I guess she’s an adult. And while my Harry Potter posters and cupboard full of Lucky Charms would have you believe otherwise, I guess I’m sort of, kind of an adult too. And if this is the beginning of adulthood, I’m so far really bad at it. One of my best friends from high school is getting married. My other two best friends (the other lovely bridesmaids) are at least in relationships that will give them the emotional skills to one day be married. I’m busy trying to casually find out if the hot guy I work with is single so that I can maybe flirt with him.

Why do they get to be real people when I’m still like an 8th grader with a legal ID?

I know, I know…I’m only 21, which is quite a few train stops away from Spinsterville. But at this rate, I’ll finally enter a long term relationship while they’re sending their kids off to college. Are they moving too quickly, or am I moving too slowly? I asked my rational side her opinion on the matter while moping over a bag of Taco Bell (maybe I should’ve ordered the size 6 dress).

It’s a little hard to accept, but when the four of us went off to college, we all had different experiences which made us different people. I still love them, but my three best friends became the “quiet, settled” down types. I became the “overly extraverted, borderline ridiculous” type. And while they may be ready to settle down in a year or two, I would be gnawing my way through the white picket fence just to get out of there.

It’s a perfectly good answer; we all lead different lives, we’re all moving at different paces. They’re not weird for getting married to people they truly love and care for, and I’m not weird for not being married when I’ve just legally been allowed to drink a PBR. And yet I still can’t help but feeling exactly how I did when I was the last one to get a date to prom: incapable of normal social function.

Has my emotional development somehow been stunted, or have I just not found the right person? Who knew being a bridesmaid would give me such an existential crisis…

21 Comments on "Single. And Walking Down the Aisle."

  1. Hayden says:
    Fri, 14th Aug 200912:05 pm 

    There is nothing wrong with knowing what you are NOT ready for

  2. shari says:
    Fri, 14th Aug 200912:08 pm 

    perfectly put, hayden!

  3. C says:
    Fri, 14th Aug 200912:11 pm 

    You're in the best position…. A single bridesmaid?! Don't worry about it and have fun you "overly extraverted, borderline ridiculous” type!!

  4. G says:
    Fri, 14th Aug 200912:12 pm 

    I have the exact same thing going on. However, I'm even younger then you, 19! The girl getting married is one of my closest friends and although I'm incredibly happy for her, I couldn't see myself in her shoes for a minute. I'm barely emotionally prepared to see myself with any type of relationship beyond casual circumstances…and here she is talking about being a mom. Obviously it comes down to life experiences and what you see as impacting the direction of your life the greatest. But again, I more then likely wont have a date to her wedding this summer, and I am also the bridesmaid. Go figure. However, I would call us, the singleton wedding party people as emotionally stunted or destined for no permanent happy relationships. I'm quite content on living my life at the pace I want, I dont want to rush steps that many are taking when then are 30+…I enjoy the fact that the biggest decision I face at the moment is deciding which bar to go to on friday night.

  5. G says:
    Fri, 14th Aug 200912:13 pm 

    However, I would call us, the singleton wedding party people as emotionally stunted or destined for no permanent happy relationships

    i meant wouldN'T, haha or I just went against everything i said.

  6. Brit says:
    Fri, 14th Aug 200912:31 pm 

    You're only 21! Relax. I got married young (19) and I quickly got divorced. Not worth it! Now I'm taking things slow, dating around, and just enjoying it.

    We have our whole lives ahead of us why rush it? Then you just end up settling. Wait for the right guy and until then focus on you and just having fun.

  7. tall1 says:
    Fri, 14th Aug 200912:45 pm 

    When I was 21, I was dating someone long term, thought I wanted to marry him, and was devastated when it didn't work out. A few other friends of mine were getting married, and I too was jealous.

    Fast forward to 25, I'm engaged to someone so good I didn't think he could actually exist, and those girls who got married at 21? 5, count em, 5, are now divorced. NOT kidding.

    Be happy you're single! Odds are decent those girl's relationships won't work out, and they're probably a little jealous of your freedom. I know I was when I was stuck in a crappy relationship at 20!

  8. ashlee says:
    Fri, 14th Aug 20091:26 pm 

    the sooner you get married the sooner you get divorced. (particularly when your so young)

    get married because you found somebody so great you want to be with forever, not because its about time to get married

  9. Adriane says:
    Fri, 14th Aug 20091:34 pm 

    I feel the same way! Alot of my friends that i went to high school with either are married or parents or both. Some even have two kids & we're only 23! I thought something was wrong with me.Why wasnt i having kids or getting married but i KNOW im not ready. Im not saying they've made bad choices but i just could not see myself in their shoes anytime soon.

  10. Sarah J says:
    Fri, 14th Aug 20098:13 pm 

    DON'T GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS SO YOUNG!!!!!!!!!!!! Your position of just living your life and having fun right now is the correct way to live when you are young. I know a girl I went to HS with and she got married already at freakin 22. WTF for, I have no idea. More than likely she will get divorced and probably have a kid or two to also destroy the rest of her life. What guy is going to want to date a girl that at like 25 or 30 is already divorced and probably has kids? That is just fucking dumb.

    There is really no logical reason to get married or have kids until you are already established in your life like at 30+. Why would you waste the best years of your life being married and popping out kids? It makes no fucking sense.

  11. sara says:
    Sat, 15th Aug 20099:43 am 

    I feel incapable of normal social function too, you are not alone! I think if you haven't come out of college in a serious relationship that getting married before 24 is silly.

  12. Casey says:
    Sat, 15th Aug 200910:18 am 

    I don't think it's right that so many commenters are saying "the younger to get married, the younger to divorce" Because that is certainly not true. Couples, divorce, and relationships are all situational. A couple is just as capable of getting married at 20 and staying together forever as a couple in their 30's. And a couple in their 20's is just as capable of getting divorced a year down the road as a couple in their 30's. It all just depends on the couple in question, every person is different and every relationship is different and while it may not have worked out for one it could very well work for another.

    It also depends a lot on the peoples beliefs, values, and views. For example, a catholic couple that doesn't believe in divorce probably isn't as likely to get divorced as say an atheist couple (and I'm talking about an actual catholic couple that attends mass every Sunday, not someone who hasn't been to church in 10 years and just considers themselves catholic, there's a big difference).

    It could also depend on the persons family, are your friends from wealthier families who are helping to pay for the wedding, the honeymoon, a house for the couple? Do they have parents who are giving the husband/wife a job? People with wealthier parents who are willing to help a young couple get on their feet are more likely to get married young and stay together because they have fewer financial woes (which we all know is the biggest contributor to breakups and fights).

    You're not weird for not following suit with your friends. There are so many external factors that contribute to major decisions like this and there is no way that all of those factors will be the same for you and your friends. So don't feel bad. You're 21. You still have plenty of time to do whatever it is you want to do in life.

  13. Casey says:
    Sat, 15th Aug 200910:29 am 

    Sarah J, I think that's a little harsh, some people want a different life then you do. It's not fair for you to judge them so harshly. A lot of girls even today in our time want to be mothers. It's what they were made to do. It's what all of us as women were made to do, it just might not be what you or I want to do. But to say that they will all get divorced and they will all be miserable and they are all throwing their lives away is not only unfair it's untrue. And even if they do have kids and get divorced that doesn't mean no guy will ever want them again. One of my best friends is 27 with a 7 year old and PLENTY of guys would LOVE to be with her. Despite her kid she's gorgeous and an amazing person.

    And women who's goal in life is to raise a family would be throwing away their best years if they got married in their 30+'s after 35 the safety of having children is greatly diminished so a girl who wants a family would be better off getting married younger, then at 30+. Like I said before, everyone's relationships and life plans are situational. Every time I get on facebook I'm alerted that another one of my classmates is either married, having a kid, having a second or third kid, getting engaged, or getting married soon. And I think, "how can they do that so young?" but then I realize, they aren't me, and they want something different out of life. So don't be so cruel with your judgments.

  14. Jenny says:
    Sat, 15th Aug 200911:26 am 

    I'm in the same boat, too. Slowly, people around me are getting engaged/married, while my boyfriend and I (we're both 23) have no marriage plans whatsoever. Sometimes, it kind of hurts, and I feel like I must have done something wrong. But then, I think about it some more, and I realize that our decision to not take it further is the best for us. I'm in grad school and he's in law school, so we both have a lot to focus on other than getting married and settling down.

    The grass is always greener on the other side, you know. :) Perhaps your friends who are settling down might be missing their old lives, too.

  15. Jillian says:
    Sat, 15th Aug 20099:31 pm 

    Jenny- You are right in your point of view on this issue. You are furthering your education and your bf is doing the same. There is no rush to get married just for the hell of it. Girls who get married young and have kids are just plain idiotic. Who the hell is going to date them once they are divorced, have kids, and now weigh 200 pounds? No guy of any value is going to date a woman like that. They could get a desperate loser I guess. But, no guy of any value is going to take on all of that baggage. It makes no sense how some girls are so stupid to get married so young and have kids. I am glad that everyone agrees that this is a bad idea.

  16. Teresa says:
    Sun, 16th Aug 20095:32 pm 

    I totally feel you. I just turned 22 and I now have 6 friends who are new wives. Its scary. I was in a long term relationship and we both wanted marriage. I loved him with all of my heart but he just wouldn't make a good husband at least not at this point in his life. To say I was devastated was an understatement.

    In reference to love…"don't settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't live without."

  17. Katrina says:
    Sun, 16th Aug 200911:18 pm 

    Girls in their early 20s shouldn't be getting married or even worse, having kids, until they get older. What guy is going to want to date you when you are divorced, or even worse, have kids. Talk about dating a loser. Guys don't want any part of that freakshow.

  18. Julissa says:
    Mon, 17th Aug 20092:26 am 

    Getting married and having kids isn't showing signs of maturity or of growing up faster than girls who don't. In fact, it is totally the opposite. Girls who get married young and have kids are showing they have the poor judgment of a 2 year old in how they are destroying their lives. Have you ever seen divorced women with kids? They should be universally shunned in society for being so stupid in their decisions. They make me sick.

  19. Ace says:
    Mon, 17th Aug 20096:41 am 

    My(former) best friend is getting married next month. We're 22, she's never dated anyone seriously other than her fiancee. It blows my mind a bit. When I was 18 I started dating a really wonderful man who was about 6 years older than me and I thought he was it, we made plans and talked about getting married, we moved in together, moved to a new city together and I truly believed he was the one for me. However, 3 years went by and we grew apart, our lives changed and became more complicated and eventually we decided to end things. I didn't understand how something I had been so sure of could have changed so much. Since then I have dated, I've been in another serious relationship which also sadly did not work out but I have learned a lot. The man I am currently dating is 27 and got married to his high school girlfriend when they were 22. Despite dating for 5 years and being married for 2 they got divorced and no longer speak to each other. He's a wonderful person and I'm very lucky to be with him but seeing the pain that he's gone through and the way it's changed his life and relationships makes me really glad that we never went through with it and that I've had time to date people, be with myself and really live. I'm far from done at 22 and at this point I'm pretty ok with being on my own, dating, falling in love a few more times and figuring myself out before adding anyone else to the equation so permanently. I say, enjoy being single and young. It's pretty great to fall in love after all.

  20. yummykitchen says:
    Tue, 18th Aug 20094:41 am 

    Hey, it's okay if you're not ready even if your friend is, but try to have fun! I would love to be a bridesmaid…and bring a guy friend!

  21. Gerhard says:
    Wed, 19th May 201010:53 am 

    Thank you for being you!

Tell us what you're thinking...