Religion and Relationships

August 15, 2009 1:00 pm     Posted in Advice, Relationships  Lindsay - University of Texas at Austin g+ page

religionA lot of people find part of their identity with their religion:


By Lindsay

“I’m Catholic”
“I’m atheist”
“I’m Jewish”

Even if someone’s beliefs can’t be put under a specific religious category, everyone has their own opinion on how humans got here and how people should live their lives.  All of these different views come together to make a unique world, but religious differences have the potential to hurt or even end a relationship.

Because religious views generally have a great impact on a person’s lifestyle, differing views can cause conflict in relationships. An atheist may be incredibly uncomfortable if their significant other wanted to attend church every Sunday and prayed every day. Likewise, a person who is used to being involved in religious practices may feel like something is wrong with them if their boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t want to come with them to Bible study or other religious gatherings.

And then there’s the family. And the potential future family.
It can really become a hot mess of opinions, beliefs and arguments.

While this may be overwhelming for some, there are ways to cope with religious differences and make a relationship last. Taking turns attending religious practices can give both members of the relationship a look into a new religious lifestyle. Each person could take time discussing with the other what their religious views mean to them and what they do or do not want to do because of them. Essentially, a couple needs to reach a compromise that makes them both feel comfortable.

But sometimes a compromise may not be reached, and as hard as it is, you might have to let go. A dear friend just ended her relationship with her boyfriend of three years. She identifies with Christianity while he identifies with Atheism. She really wanted him to attend church with her and her family, and he felt that doing so was just buying into what he called “the mentality of organized religion.”  Most of their discussions about their religious differences ended up in arguments, and celebrating any religious holidays together made them both feel weird. Since they could not reach an agreement on these subjects, they chose to separate. After three long years.

Most of us don’t really consider religion when we’re looking for a mate, but we should. It’s hard to think about family and marriage when you’re making out with the boy you like from Anthro, but it’s even harder to realize how different your beliefs are when you’ve invested years into a relationship. And, sure, it’s 100% possible to be with someone who doesn’t believe the same things as you, but you definitely want to find that out before it’s too late.

30 Comments on "Religion and Relationships"

  1. Casey says:
    Sat, 15th Aug 20099:07 am 

    You know, your friend is better off without a guy who refuses to participate in something with her because he doesn't believe in it. (you can participate in something without believing in it) You're right two people with different beliefs are perfectly capable of having a great relationship. When I was growing up both my sister's and my best friends parents were, father= Jewish, Mother= Catholic and both couples had the best relationships I have ever seen, but it's because even though they didn't believe in the others religion they still loved each other and were supportive of whatever belief their partner may have had.

    Just because you're supportive of your significant other doesn't mean you have to compromise your own beliefs. It's called opening your mind and introducing yourself to something new, even if you don't agree with it, you don't HAVE to accept it. I dated a guy for 3 years who was Jewish and I (being a catholic) would go to temple with him occasionally, and he would come to mass with me. Right now my boyfriend was raised in a very strict christian home and he is bordering on being an atheist (which makes me very sad, because he associates Christianity with his controlling manipulative mother and that's his reason for leaving the church) but he agrees that he wants our children to be raised in the church. So you can have compromise.

    My sister on the other hand, she was a devout Christian until she met her husband, and as soon as she started dating him (he was her first boyfriend) she out of nowhere became an atheist. It's never a good idea to compromise your beliefs for someone else, because if that person wont accept you for who you are then they aren't worth being with in the first place.

  2. flip says:
    Sat, 15th Aug 200910:32 am 

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  3. Megan says:
    Sat, 15th Aug 20098:23 pm 

    I'm not a really religious person so I like to find out early on if the person I'm seeing is religous. And if they are, it usually changes how I think about them. Lately, I've met guys who are really nice & I get along with but once I find out that they go to church every Sunday, my feelings change drastically.

    And I'm sure the same goes for them once they find out that I'm not religious.

  4. Victoria says:
    Sat, 15th Aug 20098:51 pm 

    Megan- I feel sorry for you.

    "Lately, I’ve met guys who are really nice & I get along with but once I find out that they go to church every Sunday, my feelings change drastically."

    WTF? Are you serious? You meet guys that are really nice and you get along with who go to church every Sunday, and that makes your feelings towards them get dramatically worse? How the fuck does that even make sense? Maybe you should just find guys that treat you like shit, who beat you, and are atheists. Yeah, that sounds like a much better guy than one who goes to church and has good morals and values. Get a clue before you end up dead in a ditch somewhere from thinking that the next Ted Bundy is a great guy. Your way of thinking is seriously screwed up.

  5. Diana says:
    Sun, 16th Aug 20094:26 am 

    Yeah, because Christian boys are GUARANTEED to just be sweethearts, right?

    Barf.

  6. Sam says:
    Sun, 16th Aug 20097:38 am 

    Megan, I'm the same way. I respect anyone else's religion or beliefs and I expect the same in return. It is hard to form a lasting relationship with someone that has such a drastic difference in religion. I agree, I'm sure it's the same way with Christians or Catholics; I doubt they would want to date an Atheist.

    And Victoria, wake up. Although we all have our preferences, it doesn't mean our choices are perfect. Religion still does not control morals and values. Anyone from any background could be a terrible person or a perfect being; with or without religion.

  7. Oli says:
    Sun, 16th Aug 20098:42 am 

    hnfiroavnjklnfuvh!?. . . Church a deal breaker? . . . -_o" What ever happened to tolerance?

  8. Lucy says:
    Sun, 16th Aug 200911:06 am 

    I'm an atheist but I don't care what my boyfriend's religious views are. I won't participate in something I don't believe in but I respect his decisions. I think the problems begin when children come into the picture..

  9. Dannia says:
    Sun, 16th Aug 200911:08 am 

    Well I think there's a difference between tolerance and understanding compatibility. I definitely tolerate other religions, and my closest friends belong to all sorts of different persuasions. But I don't think I could actually date someone who was deeply religious when I'm not…it just makes for a whole slew of different values and understandings about life. At the core of it, we'd probably disagree on quite a bit.

  10. Salome says:
    Sun, 16th Aug 20096:09 pm 

    I'm an agnostic, and I generally don't care what religion the guy is unless he's going to force it on me and/or other people (even if he pretends to be fin with me not being religious, I'd be uncomfortable with him proselytizing to others). And if he has any beliefs that interfere with relationship decisions – like if he's anti-abortion (I couldn't have sex with someone who was) or saving himself for marriage or anything – that would probably be a bit of a problem too.

    I'm equally turned-off by self-righteous atheists, for that matter – you know, the ones who think religious people are stupid and it's their duty to "enlighten" them. Ugh.

  11. Genghis says:
    Mon, 17th Aug 200911:03 am 

    Testing.

  12. Genghis says:
    Mon, 17th Aug 200911:40 am 

    My post about religion and relationships was erased. May be my finger pressed the wrong key. Bad finger. I'm reposting it because I think it is relevant.

    ". . . . religious differences have the potential to hurt or even end a relationship." That's very true.

    Also, many wars are being and were fought because of religious differences. Millions are dying and died for it. For those who believe, religion is a unifying and stabilizing force that influence the formation of their own belief system, ethical and moral values. How I wish that all religious sects teach tolerance and understanding. That could promote more tolerance and better understanding among people of different nationalities and backgrounds.

    As for me, I pray to God, Jesus, Allah and Buddha to make sure I'm covered every which way. As an additional guaranty, I provided in my Last Will and Testament (yes, it is never too early and it can be revised) that nobody and not even a one under any circumstances may or can cremate my remains. This gives me at least the assurance that I will not be burned twice: one on earth and one in hell.

  13. Lucy says:
    Mon, 17th Aug 200912:07 pm 

    Genghis–

    That's not the point of religion, just to make sure you don't go to hell, although that's why people do go to church.

  14. Casey says:
    Mon, 17th Aug 20091:55 pm 

    Lucy, you're right that's not the point of religion (shame on you Genghis!) but that's not why everyone goes to church, actual religious people go to church because well one, they enjoy it, and because it's such a part of their life that they want to learn as much as they can, and devote their time to it. Not because it will get them to heaven. Besides, no one goes to heaven just because they go to church. That's not how you get there.

  15. Genghis says:
    Mon, 17th Aug 20092:39 pm 

    Lucy and Casey. Both of you misunderstood amd missed my main points. Those are the realization that religion cause wars and deaths. That can't be denied. It is happening right now in some parts of the world. And, religion can be a unifying and stabilizing force that can teach and promote more tolerance and better undderstanding among people.

    My last paragraph about hell is not a generalization. Read it again and pay attention. I started the paragraph: "As for me," to be clear I'm expressing my opinion and belief of what could happen to me after death. I never said people go to church because they want to go to heaven and not end up in hell. Stop and think first before you attack me and jump to the wrong conclusion. That will restrict and limit your progress in college (if you are still a college student) or in life.

  16. Genghis says:
    Mon, 17th Aug 20092:41 pm 

    amd = and. Excuse me.

  17. Genghis says:
    Mon, 17th Aug 20093:04 pm 

    undderstanding = understanding. Excuse me again. That's what I get for hurrying up and not editing my post.

  18. yummykitchen says:
    Tue, 18th Aug 20094:36 am 

    Yes, I definitely will take religion into consideration in future relationships. I had not idea how huge of a deal it was until I dated a mormon for two years, and though I'm also christian, mormons only marry mormons, and as much as I respect their religion, I'm not willing to convert, not at this point in my life at least. And, there's no way around this. I have another friend who broke up with her boyfriend who was a korean catholic (think lane's mom on gilmore girls) because he's far too religious for her and his family didn't think she was religious enough. Both of us are still great friends with our exes, but, like you said, religious views had a profound impact on our lives to the extent that we had to break up beautiful relationships because marriage was impossible. Of course, I do also have a friend whose mother is Jewish and father is Christian. So, it works sometimes! But yes, I agree with you, definitely don't overlook it if the cute guy you like in anthro class is a christian fundamentalist and you're jewish!

  19. Genghis says:
    Tue, 18th Aug 20099:41 am 

    yummykitchen. I agree with you and there is wisdom in your decision to break up with your boyfriend. Although breaking up is not easy, it is best in the long run, specially when religious difference is a deal breaker for you. I also find wisdom in your decision to remain friends with your ex.

  20. Casey says:
    Wed, 19th Aug 200912:12 pm 

    Sorry Genghis, I was just kidding. :)

  21. Genghis says:
    Wed, 19th Aug 20092:59 pm 

    Casey. Accepted. I am now the one who was guilty of jumping to conclusion. You are intelligent and articulate. Your other posts clearly show that. I thought I was clear enough that there could be no reason for a person like you to misunderstand me. I was wrong. There was room for misunderstanding in my post. For this, I apologize.

  22. Eresbel says:
    Sat, 22nd Aug 20098:56 am 

    I agree with Megan. I could never date someone who was religious and I could never go to church/temple/etc every Sunday/whenever – anyone who would ask me to go clearly doesn't know me.

    Victoria, maybe you're not an atheist or maybe you are but you're not an atheist for the same reasons as I am, but I have serious moral compunctions about religion. I'm not going to go into it, but suffice it to say, going to a religious ceremony for me is like a Muslim drinking wine. I tolerate others doing it, but I don't do it myself. I do my best to be respectful, but it's important that I'm respected in return and not expected to participate. Your response only shows your disrespect for Megan's system of beliefs.

  23. Stumbler says:
    Sat, 22nd Aug 20093:54 pm 

    I think this web-site is f…d up and the owners are paranoid against Muslims. I do not know if any other religion figures in the dating scenario.

  24. jeff says:
    Sun, 23rd Aug 20092:50 pm 

    some times it hard between my fiancee and i when i come to religion since i am a presbyterian and my fiancee is an indian shaker which believe and things i rily dont like ghosts and the sin of drinking

  25. Shelly says:
    Wed, 17th Feb 20105:02 am 

    I think it's crap. My relationship hit the rocks because the guy i'm seeing is a pentecostal christian and i'm not. I'm willing to accept his faith as well but he wont accept me. He was with me for so many months but when its marriage he only wants the girl his parents choose. from his faith. what was he fooling around with me for? if that was so important, then why be with me?

  26. Ashley Martinez says:
    Sun, 23rd May 20109:15 pm 

    In reality, no single religion could guarantee us a place in Heaven. In the end, what matters is how we a treat other people.;.'

  27. Kitchen Cupboards&nb says:
    Wed, 13th Oct 20109:04 am 

    it does not matter what religion you have, just do good things on this world-*'

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