Tuffy Luv Gets Choked Up
August 18, 2009 Posted in Advice, Relationships
Got a question for La Tuffs? Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com with all your questions to be featured in her weekly column.
Dear Tuffy Luv,
Last week my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because he’s not sure if I’m the one. He said he wanted to be friends (seriously), and I told him I couldn’t be his friend. So then he told me he didn’t want to break up, to which I said I wasn’t going to stay with him if he wasn’t sure he wanted to be with me. So he suggested we take a step back and “just date.” At the time, I thought, well, okay, better than nothing (I’m not desperate, I just really love this guy), and agreed.
But Tuffy, I don’t think I can do this. I mean, you date to get to know someone right? And he already knows me! I worried he’s trying to ease himself away from the relationship or whatever by “just dating” for a month or so, then he’ll want to be done for real. The other problem is, he’s still been texting me, calling me and referring to me as “sweetheart” and “babe.” We are actually going on “dates,” but my friends are telling me to play hard to get with him, because once he sees like life is like without me, he’ll “go nuts.” What should I do? Am I setting myself up for long drawn out pain rather than just “ripping off the bandage”?
Help,
“Just Dating” my Boyfriend
Dear Just Dating,
Honey, my heart goes out to you. Tuffy got a record number of questions this week (seriously! thanks, readers!) but I had to answer yours because it just broke my heart.
Love is so fragile. Sometimes it takes just one little thing–or, in this case, one little non-thing, a pressing doubt–to ruin something really special and good.
Think back on your relationship and try to be honest. Did you see it coming? Should you have seen it coming? Were you really right together, or just comfortable?
And more importantly, do you really think he’s The One? Sometimes the pain of rejection convinces us that the person who rejected us must be right for us. Try to think as objectively as you can: Do you really see this man as someone you could be with for the rest of your life?
If you really, honestly think the answer is yes, don’t let him go like this. This little lingering doubt – maybe just some fear of commitment – is not worth losing each other for. If he’s worthwhile, tell him so. Tell him you love him and know he loves you.
Give him his dating period, but set a time limit. Tell him you’re willing to try “dating” each other again, but that after a month you’re going to have to sit down and talk. Because you really can’t start over. You still have your entire past staring you back in the face over every dinner, during every kiss.
And make the dates amazing. Give yourself (and him) a chance to fall back in love. Do fun things and don’t fight. Think of it as a vacation, and when you come back, you’ll both be refreshed and ready to give it another go.
I don’t know why, but your letter really moved me. I think you love this guy, and I hope he loves you too. Here’s hoping you can find each other again. I’m rooting for you.
Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv
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Ace says:
Tue, 18th Aug 200910:17 am
Awww this is so sad, it sounds like you both love each other but being in your 20's is really confusing and all the sudden relationships mean something more than just being with someone. Sad though it may be you really should watch 500 Days of Summer, even if all you get is a healthy dose of Joseph Gordon Levitt adorableness.
S says:
Tue, 18th Aug 200910:42 am
aww. that's a sweet response.
- says:
Tue, 18th Aug 20097:38 pm
Tuffy, I love your advice- always do- but this time I have to disagree slightly. I just pulled this one on my bf of 4-1/2 years (no seriously, exactly the same situation) and though I'm not proud of it, I can definitely give "Just Dating" some more insight on this. This is going to sound completely cynical- not at all as sweet as Tuffy's response…
What "I'm not sure you're the one" really means is that: "Two years is a really long time to be with one girl and although I love you and you're good to me… I'm still young and maybe there might be someone else out there." He wants to be single.
BUT he still wants you in his life because well, you've been such a big part of it for two years now. I'm sure you're his best friend. So he pulls the whole "let's be friends" thing hoping he could date around but still have you in his life.
You didn't agree to that. Instead, you offered him the best possible circumstances:
The whole "dating" thing is his way of
1. Trying not to hurt you by straight up breaking up with you because I'm sure he really does care (this applies to the "let's be friends" thing too)
2. Giving himself the opportunity to explore while still having the security of you. Want proof? He still calls you "sweetheart" and texts you like he did when you were together EXCEPT you two aren't together anymore and since he's technically single now, he can still check out/talk to/meet other girls. The best of both worlds.
Yes, it's a terrible situation. And you hang on because you love him and hope that maybe you'll get back together by the end of all this. But the good news is that he definitely still cares about you. I'm sure that he still loves you. My advice? Either hold on a little longer and accept that he's on the prowl or start talking to someone else. Seriously, nothing will make him realize how good he's had it like jealousy does.