Sexy Time: The Stigma Against Rough Sex

August 20, 2009 9:00 am     Posted in Relationships, Sex  Lena Chen - Harvard g+ page

spanking


By Lena Chen

It’s no secret among my friends that I like being treated aggressively in the bedroom, but sometimes, I feel like I’m the only girl I know who likes getting roughed up. Perhaps that’s because my sexual propensities really are that rare, but more likely, it’s because a taboo against BDSM still exists.

Rachel Kramer Bussel, who recently wrote on The Frisky about a newly discovered desire to be choked during sex, notes that “Women, especially feminists, aren’t supposed to say they like rough sex … [There's a] misconception that consensual BDSM is a precursor to violence.” That’s something I know all too well. Last year, I blogged about an instance of rough sex on my website, Sex and the Ivy. While my entries often receive mixed reviews (because some disagree with my decision to write publicly about my sex life), I was surprised by the number of commenters who were outraged by this piece. Some of the reactions included:

“This could easily be a police report with the victim recounting a rape.”
“You deserve better.”
“True love does not seek to demean the other person.”
“The fact that he even desires to treat you this way is disgusting.”

Some commenters even engaged in a discussion about whether my account of being jerked around was effectively condoning rape. I wondered how it was possible that any of them could misconstrue my writing to mean that I was implicitly endorsing misogynistic attitudes — or worse, that I was in an abusive relationship. Beyond my irritation at being misinterpreted, I was extremely troubled by the judgments made about my sexual partner at the time, who’s my now-boyfriend and the type of political radical that would put most American “liberals” to shame. Before him, I had a hard time meeting guys who weren’t dismissive of my feminist views and my passion for LGBT activism. Pulling my hair and choking me during sex (at my request) hardly means that he doesn’t respect me or value equality. In fact, ours is the most egalitarian relationship I’ve ever had, and I’m someone who’s especially sensitive to gender issues.

When I wrote the piece, I didn’t think that my bedroom practices were too out of the ordinary, since nothing I’ve done has even approached hardcore BDSM and I really don’t have very interesting fetishes considering that I write a lot about sex. It surprised me, then, that people reacted so strongly to what I considered a rather tame example of rough play. After all, who hasn’t made jokes about spanking? How could BDSM still be considered on the fringe despite the appearance of dominatrixes in television and movies? Has it really remained that controversial given the amount of bondage gear on sale at Babeland? (But maybe none of these people were shopping at Babeland.) I was appalled by the conservatism on display and dismayed by the ignorance. A common mantra of BDSM culture is “Safe, Sane, and Consensual”, something I thought everyone knew about, but even a prominent disclaimer failed to convince the critics that I’d truly provided my consent.

And perhaps, that was what bothered me most of all. These commenters, who decried my partner as “disgusting” and my relationship as “demeaning”, were simultaneously refusing to recognize my agency in an interaction that took place between two people. Rough sex wasn’t anti-feminist; this was. I said that I had consented to all the activities, yet they refused to believe that could be true. Instead, they assumed that my partner must have somehow pressured me into it, that I couldn’t possibly have played an equal role in shaping our sexual interactions.

Not everyone may enjoy rough sex, but that doesn’t automatically make it unethical or anti-feminist, just as vanilla sex isn’t boring simply because I don’t like it. Regardless of preferences, no one is qualified to have an opinion on the consensual activities that take place in someone else’s bedroom. In other words, if you don’t judge me enjoying a good spanking (and I enjoy a good spanking), I won’t judge you for liking missionary.

34 Comments on "Sexy Time: The Stigma Against Rough Sex"

  1. Jennifer says:
    Thu, 20th Aug 20094:32 am 

    This article and the one in the frisky have been very useful to me. I like rough sex with my boyfriend too, and while I have a group of friends who all identify as submissive, I've been confused about it in general. I mean, I know I like being spanked and choked and held down but it still weirds *me* out a bit. I guess being pretty new to all of this the support of hearing from other people who like it, who aren't 'damaged' or what not, is reassuring. Also to hear that what we do isn't even that extreme!

    Anyway thank you for this article, and I'm sorry that people misinterpreted you so terribly.

  2. Natalie says:
    Thu, 20th Aug 20095:45 am 

    I'm a lesbian ID'd woman and I seem to fall along similar lines to what you prefer in bed. Finding women who are willing to be rough with me is a challenge all its own. This is really for the win.

  3. Brittney says:
    Thu, 20th Aug 20095:52 am 

    The fact that you know what you want AND get it in bed seems pretty feminist to me! Get it, girl!

  4. Ace says:
    Thu, 20th Aug 20096:05 am 

    I fall into the same category friend. I've always known I like it rough, since high school. I like handcuffs and I like choking and spanking the occasional (consensual) force. I don't think this is wrong between two willing partners, and frankly all of the men who I've been intimate with have been pretty into it as well and they are all wonderful, kind, considerate men. I like to turn the tables sometimes and tie them up or hold their neck, does that make it more or less feminist? I think the argument of feminism in sexuality is a joke, if you want to do it and you like what you're doing and you and your partner are enjoying yourselves then regardless of what you're doing it sounds pretty darn feminist to me.

  5. Lucy says:
    Thu, 20th Aug 20097:30 am 

    It pisses me off as well that people are outraged by your bedroom activities. Being in bed with a partner is an opportunity to act in ways that you couldn't otherwise. Consensual sex, no matter what kind, is always okay with me!!

  6. Casey says:
    Thu, 20th Aug 200912:41 pm 

    I'm the same way, I like lots of different things in bed, it just depends on my mood and what I'm up for that night. But I think it's perfectly fine as long as it stays in the bedroom, and only if you want it. My boyfriend likes fulfilling my fantasies, but he wont do something that could be considered degrading unless I ask him to first.

    You just have to be with someone you can trust and set lines and boundaries. But never be afraid to have fun in bed.

  7. Star says:
    Thu, 20th Aug 20091:19 pm 

    I think maybe the problem is how the blog presents itself. I didn't read any of the other posts, so it might be mentioned there or maybe in the article itself and I just overlooked it. It's just hard at first to tell it's roleplaying, and that you and your partner have agreed you both want to participate.

    Perhaps if you mention that you have a safe word or take precautions to respect each others wishes it might be a little more clear. But the fact that you can get what you want in bed is awesome, and its sad that many people can't respect that.

  8. Alexa says:
    Thu, 20th Aug 20096:30 pm 

    God, this girl has serious problems. You could tell her abandonment issues from her childhood have seriously screwed her up. She needs to seek help for all of her childhood issues ASAP.

  9. Jenna says:
    Thu, 20th Aug 20097:54 pm 

    I'm glad to see I'm not alone! Being feminist is celebrating my rights as a woman, one of which being the right to have the sex I enjoy. Forcing myself to conform to a specific type of sex and, as a result, never being able to enjoy my own sexuality would be like a punishment.

    In fact, forcing women into conforming to a specific ideal is everything feminism is not about. It's about choice!

  10. Phedre says:
    Fri, 21st Aug 20092:26 pm 

    I am a submissive and BDSM relationships are, I feel, much more about mutual respect and trust than a "vanilla" relationship. If the dominant wants me to do something completely out of limits with me, then I always have the ability to call things off. Plus I think there is a bit of power in persuing anything, including a relationship or sex act, that you actually enjoy but that is slightly outside of the norm. More power to you, congrats on finding a guy who does what you like well (some guys just can't inflict pain well lol) and have fun. Screw what anyone else thinks!

  11. Coilette says:
    Mon, 24th Aug 20094:12 am 

    I think there's a perception that these preferences are linked to previous episodes of abuse, statistically if not individually. (I don't know your history in that regard and it would be extremely rude of me to ask, so I'm forced to proceed under a cloud of ignorance.)

    Feminism is NOT ONLY about women doing whatever they want. It is ALSO about addressing the root causes of women's oppression. If you have a society where women and girls are brutalized early in their lives and then spend the rest of their lives "freely" re-enacting it, I don't think that's a feminist society. So that may be part of what people are reacting against when they post comments like you've quoted here.

  12. Devlin says:
    Mon, 24th Aug 20097:06 am 

    OK, but you've only half finished the article – now tell what that ACTUAL psychology behind rough sex is – take that topic on full throttle and I'll give you cred, right now it just sounds like someone has ruffled your feathers. C'mon – what does rough sex actually mean?

  13. Eresbel says:
    Mon, 24th Aug 20092:05 pm 

    I have never heard of any statistic that justified linking childhood abuse with interest in BDSM. I am a fan of rough sex and I was never abused, never spanked as a child, never hit and my parents are loving and supportive.

    I agree that there are un-feminist roots that sexualize violence against women (all those ads and photo shoots with models being attacked or lying in ditches like they were killed) but I don't think most people are re-enacting violence against themselves when they engage in BDSM. I actually find that accusation to be insulting and infantilizing – like I couldn't possibly be into BDSM because of any healthy reason. I must be fucked up and not even realize it. And there's no chance that I've thought about where this fetish came from because I'm so blind and unaware.

  14. Mimi says:
    Tue, 25th Aug 200910:05 am 

    I think that most of the people who make those type of comments are not actually THINKING about what they’re reading, and instead offer a knee-jerk reaction that is propelled by a stigma against rough sex and/or previous experience with abuse that they are projecting onto your sex life. And then, of course, your own argument is wasted because they are blindly secure in their own position of fear, anger, and self-righteousness. Great combo, right?

    Some people are worth talking to, though, and those are the people who have obviously carefully considered your presented position and their own ideas about how a young woman should behave. They might have reservations or disagree, but they DON’T have their heads up their asses in an unending chain of willful ignorance. They are worth talking to and caring about.

    I think it’s great that you have found such an excellent partner and that both of your individual desires are fulfilled by this relationship. Kudos and congrats.

  15. morgan says:
    Wed, 26th Aug 20096:47 am 

    i hate the idea that sexual preferences, such as BDSM have to somehow be related to previous abuse. i consider myself a feminist. but that doesn't mean that i need someone else to monitor my actions in the bedroom. if you've found what you like and you and your partner are agreeing to it then that's fine. i do think that if your partner had taken it to far without your consent there would be cause for concern. but you're two consenting adults. sex for me is a time when i can be most free and if BDSM is something i ever feel like trying i will, or if i still want to stick to missionary that's fine to. changing it up in the bedroom to one way or another doesn't make me any more or less a feminist it just makes me me and that's perfectly fine.

  16. Dawn says:
    Sun, 30th Aug 20097:19 am 

    Lena,

    Just stumbled on this. I think it's terrific you are so comfortable and out spoken. There is nothing wrong with BDSM as long as it is consensual between two lovers. Bravo for being so open.

  17. Rachel says:
    Mon, 31st Aug 200912:49 pm 

    i really appreciated this thoughtful post. as a woman who also enjoys rough sex, i find that my peers are less than appreciative of my proclivities. even the guys i've dated have found them unnerving somehow. just nice to know there are other intelligent, feminist, forward-thinking women who like a good roughing up from time-to-time.

  18. Molly says:
    Tue, 8th Sep 20093:41 pm 

    Woohooo for rough sex!

  19. M says:
    Tue, 15th Sep 20099:44 am 

    Hey my ex wife and current girl loved it a little rough. But not always and good for them. We all like a little departure from the same old and you can usually tell when its wanted if not just ask for it. Sometimes its just fun to let go and go to the taboo side of things just for a little while. There are things I wont do even if requested I'm sure open to new experiences and I think thats what rough sex is about. Letting go, having trust and enjoying that dirty little secret together! Thanks for your comment Molly, woohooo!

  20. Ty says:
    Wed, 16th Sep 20092:19 am 

    The reason for the rise in this is that women run society now and no matter what protests there are to this, subconsciously it's known. Women can do nearly anything to a man and if the man does not like it he's told to "man up" "be a man" "take it like a man" etc. All men have to do is look at a woman wrong and it's sexual harassment or demeaning or threatening. Men who sleep with many different partners are predatory, immature, not willing to commit, users etc. Women in this role are liberated, free and expressing their independence. Her money vs our money.

    With so much control, what's needed for excitement is ceding that control to another, even if only in action. Although the popular image for bdsm is the dom with the whip, that's actually from a couple decades ago, today you're finding it's more women that need that because very little goes counter to what they want, except other women of course.

  21. Abigale says:
    Mon, 5th Oct 200911:13 am 

    I love your article. I, too, am a feminist. I'm very heavy into the BDSM scene as a "submissive". I have a big life to manage. I do everything and I love it. I'm bossy, demanding, and what most men would call a "bitch". Sex is the way that I can stop being a control freak; I want the control taken away from me for once. I find that BDSM relationships are much more trusting than vanilla relationships because the idea of submitting is submitting every part of yourself; it isn't just about being tied up. You are trusting that person with your mind, body, and sexual well-being. It's a beautiful thing to let go. And quite frankly I am sick and tired of "feminists" telling ME what I can and cannot want in the bedroom like they have some sort of God-given right to control the idea of what a "real woman" should be.

    I also am annoyed at the stigma of BDSM lovers being abuse victims. Maybe many of us are. I was. Judgemental people can tell me to "get help" all they want. I've been to therapy, and it did nothing for me because I don't open up to perfect strangers. Opening up with my body to someone that I trust is healing. I get to re-enact scenes of violence from my youth, and I get to be in control (paradoxically) and enjoy it. It takes it away. I get to do it all again and make it good the second time around. People don't want to hear it and hate talking about it because it's awkward and "messed up", but abuse happens and people need to accept that conventional methods of dealing with it are often less effective than their "unhealthy" alternatives.

  22. Karen Affeldt says:
    Wed, 21st Oct 20097:07 am 

    I like to be controlled and sexual aggressiveness but BDSM can go a little overboard.

  23. John says:
    Wed, 11th Nov 200912:45 pm 

    Here’s a guy’s view. I’ve known several women into rough sex. There seem to be two types.

    One is the jock. She runs several miles a day, plays contact sports, and likes to get physical. Rough sex for her is just good rough play. She likes to feel her muscles straining against a man. What’s the fun just lying there?

    Then there’s the woman who’s been abused, and kind of liked it. Makes the same mistakes in a boyfriend over and over. Tends toward passive-aggressive behavior and drama. Calls cops after boyfriend beats her, then pleads with cops not to take him away. More trouble than she’s worth.

    The jocks are keepers; dump the passive-aggressives as soon as you identify them.

  24. Mack says:
    Sat, 19th Dec 20099:45 pm 

    I just love to have the role of top-dog when having sex with a girl. I often play "take-down" where my partner really wants to feel that there is no chance of getting away from me "getting what I want" (and what she actualy craves). But I have to prove it. No pretend-play. Bruises & scratches on both sides. Sometimes thorn clothes too.
    But not even a chance that she wants to call the cops. More likely that she'll be purring like a kitten after the big bang.

    To me it seems that sexism is a great thing as long as you keep it where it belongs…

    Within sex.

  25. Simon says:
    Tue, 22nd Dec 20092:40 am 

    I think a lot of people mistakenly think that your sexual preferences somehow define you. As far as I'm concerned there is no link between what you like in bed and the kind of person you are.

    I'm a man and I like to be dominant in bed. I've come to realise that a lot of women aren't comfortable with this, and to be honest I'm not that comfortable with it myself. I know that I get turned on by spanking her or pulling her hair but I wish that I could get turned on by less agressively dominant behaviour. However, I know that it's practically impossible to change your sexual desires and that it's something I have to come to terms with.

    Unfortunately my current girlfriend does not like being submissive and as a result I don't enjoy sex nearly as much. But I love her more than anything and couldn't break up with her just because I'm not getting what I want in the bedroom.

  26. donia says:
    Mon, 12th Jul 201012:29 am 

    hey!

    i wanted to say that i loved you article and believe me you are totally right because i also believe that if you are secured in your relationship and in the person you are then you will feel very ok having sex in every way but if you like most other narrotive minded people who are either fat and hate their bodies or just relegiously illuded people who still thinks that women are brn from men and sex is a sin. they like it missinary

    but i am like you and my boyfirend is so respecting me that he cant even say that he is horny when he is but he and i are very rough in bed and he like to like " look down" and manover me while doing it and i like being rough to him and bite him and stuff

    and those who still thinks that rough sex is forbeddin i find it amusing to say

    good luck with you boring missanry and your nonexisting sex life hahahha

  27. donia says:
    Mon, 12th Jul 201012:31 am 

    hey!

    i wanted to say that i loved you article and believe me you are totally right because i also believe that if you are secured in your relationship and in the person you are then you will feel very ok having sex in every way but if you like most other narrow-minded minded people who are either fat and hate their bodies or just religiously illuded people who still thinks that women are brn from men and sex is a sin. they like it missionary

    but i am like you and my boyfriend is so respecting me that he cant even say that he is horny when he is but he and i are very rough in bed and he like to like " look down" and man-over me while doing it and i like being rough to him and bite him and stuff

    and those who still thinks that rough sex is forbidden i find it amusing to say

    good luck with you boring missionary and your non existing sex life hahahha

  28. guest says:
    Fri, 1st Jul 201110:26 am 

    I LOVe rought sex. A guy who oves you often will do this just with you and no one else.. the pleasure can be sooooo intense. they need to try it .
    i hate soft sex. Maybe when you do it enough the top nerves deaden.. .i love my nipples pinched and niblled…

  29. DatingInTheATL says:
    Fri, 29th Jul 20116:54 pm 

    I had some REALLY hot, rough sex with my girlfriend on my birthday.

    She tells me that she is still sore from it lol. I love to pull her hair, hit it from the back, throw her around, f*ck her whenever I want, and generally dominates her. My girlfriend loves it and she doesn’t look at it as unethical or anti-feminist. But I guess not all girls are like my girlfriend.

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    Tue, 3rd Jul 20121:40 pm 

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  31. Irma says:
    Sun, 19th Aug 20128:09 pm 

    Good point of view Simon! Love it.

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