Life After College: Back-To-School But Not For Me

"I miss Welcome Week." Sigh.

Lately it seems like Facebook is on a mission (aided by the company that sells prozac) to make me feel suicidal every time I sign on. For weeks all the status updates and albums were “lovin’ summer” and “will it ever stop raining this summer?” I could easily relate to those as I was also experiencing summer and the torrential rain showers of ’09.

By Jenni

However, now I sign on and I have to see this:

Jessie can’t wait for classes to start up!
Shar regrets that first night back jungle juice!
Alissa accidentally packed her keys into the trunk but it won’t stop her from getting to school!

And all these statues and declarations of school spirit are forcing me to realize that I’m officially not going back to school…although my diploma has yet to come, so that’s actually still questionable. For the first time in my entire life (I started school mere months after birth) I’m not buying fresh new school supplies and I’m not sitting in classes trying to read the professor’s mind and decide if she is really going to give pop reading quizzes. I don’t even know what to do with my hands if they’re not flipping through syllabi.

Call me self-centered but it’s hard to imagine that school continues on without me. I find it preposterous to believe that people will take the same classes I did, live in my same apartment, and even go out to the same bars. Will any of my professors miss me (unlikely)? Will the bouncer I always begged for lowered cover notice my absence (doubtful)? Will the boys who moved into my apartment this year notice that we left broken appliances in their closets (I hope so!)?

And now that school’s staring, time is really ticking for me to come up with a creative lie about a job I don’t have. There’s no way I’m showing my face at homecoming to all those students and explaining the effect the recession has had on my life (although my parents LOVE those phone lectures from me). If I can’t still be in college (once again, diploma pending) then I’m going to come back as the most successful person from the class of 2009.

But so far I don’t even have to lie. I was walking home today and saw Aunt Becky (sans Nicky and Alex) on my block! I can’t name one other person, in school or graduated, that can tell a better success story.