Meet A Dude. Ask A Dude.

Fact: Women don’t understand men.
Fact: For the past 6 months, I’ve attempted to get some answers from some men to help all the ladies out there truly understand what the eff those turds are thinking.
Fact: After seeing a guy for two months and being “dumped” via email (where he called me the wrong name), I’m still horribly confused.

While our resident guy gave some pretty sound advice, there are so many tricky situations we women find ourselves in with men on a daily basis. Situations that can’t be summed up in some general question about dating or life or fake boobs.

So, I went on a quest to find a man who can be our voice of reason when we need him most. Like when our crush isn’t returning our calls, or, I don’t know, a guy says he loves us but wants to take the relationship back a few notches. WTF?

Tons of guys expressed interest in advising the ladies of CollegeCandy (why can’t this many dudes express interest in me!?), but I needed the perfect guy: a dude with an understanding of both men and women, a douchey past and a good-guy present. And I found him! (Unfortch, he’s taken, ladies.) He’ll be answering your questions weekly, so if you’ve got something you’re dying to figure out – and your girlfriends don’t know what they’re talking about – send ‘em over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. Our dude will give it to you straight, no matter how much it hurts.

But first, let me introduce you.
CollegeCandy readers, meet our Dude.

What is one thing that all girls need to know about men?
The Dude: That men are only as complicated as women make them. Although I’d like to say that I’m a deep and thoughtful guy, it pretty much goes without saying that I think about one thing all the time…nothing. If I am at work, carrying out a task, eating a burger, or having sex…that is exactly what I’m thinking about. There is no deeper meaning, there is no analysis of my day, and there is no perfectly meditated intent behind my actions. Frankly, we’re just that simple.

What is the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a lady?
The Dude: I wish I could say that a long list of tender, considerate moments are running through my (ever understanding) mind, but unfortunately, I was either too broke, too drunk, or too into the latest football game to ever truly sweep a chick of her feet. However, I have found that the most romantic thing a guy can do is to pay attention to the little things that really matter to a woman. For example, although past girlfriends have loved big gestures involving diamonds and various trips to Jared, my lady prefers an ice cold latte, trashy tabloid magazine, and two dudes named Ben & Jerry.

What’s the douchiest thing you’ve ever done to a woman?
The Dude: Here is where my long list comes into play. After much thought (and an extensive selection process), I’ve narrowed it down to the following douchy incident. A few years back, I put a ton of time (and dinner at pretentious restaurants) into a girl I was into, but moved to Europe shortly after things started getting serious. Although I was abroad for a year, I kept things burning with the (faithful and loyal) girlfriend stateside, while actually taking in more than just the local culture (if you know what I mean.) Even worse, I broke up with her within 5 minutes of returning home.

What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned about women?
The Dude: Alright, time for me to redeem myself from my supremely douchy past. Here is what I know about women: no matter how deep under the surface it may be…all women love to be loved. They want someone to adore and care for them (without playing games or going behind their back). They love talking about love, they love analyzing love with their friends, they love reading books and watching (occasionally tolerable) movies about love, they love pretending they don’t need love, they love hating love… You get my point? It’s one of the most endearing and amazing things about women, and why men are so mesmerized by them.

Why do you want to do this column?
The Dude: To put it bluntly (and would I ever put it any other way?), I am unbelievably sick of women taking, toting and living by advice about men…that was written by women. Whether it’s women’s magazines, your friends or (though you try to deny) your frequent calls to your mother, advice about men is rarely about men, it’s about what women think about men. And to be honest, men just don’t think that much.

See? Isn’t he perfect? He knows us and he knows us well. Now send him some questions, dammit!