Celebretard Showdown: Jon vs. Kate

August 28, 2009     Posted in Buzz

jon-gosselin-waves-paparazzi kate-gosselin-americana-03


By Brianna

They are all over the media and even if you’ve never seen their show, everyone knows who Jon and Kate are thanks to their very public separation and the battle that’s ensued. Their conflicting stories on the reason behind their divorce is plastered all over every tabloid, and the cops have even been called to settle domestic disputes at their home where they trade shifts for parent duty.

They lost a battle to Speidi right here on CollegeCandy only a few short months ago. But little did we know then that soon the couple would turn on one another. (Editor’s Note: Is this the fate of the Speids? We can only dream.) It’s now time for them to duke it out, fair and square.

Fame Whorey-ness
Jon: Jon attempted to advertise himself as a victim of a camera whore, claiming that the reality show is what ruined his marriage and blaming Kate for wanting to continue filming. But now that the two are split we see that what Jon really wants is to be famous on his own, separate from his wife of ten years. When you are in talks to do a reality show about divorced dads, you know you’re desperate for attention. And when those talks are with Michael Lohan, you’ve really hit a new low. Not to mention the fact that every time Jon goes out in public he might as well be wearing strobe lights; head to toe Ed Hardy and a 20-year old arm candy aren’t exactly under-the-radar choices.

Kate: After the split, Kate has been doing a lot of talking… to anyone who will listen. She continues to write books about her life and tours the country meeting all of her fans. And she’s been on every talk show in existence discussing her separation and closing with the same saga story of “living for her kids” complete with the choke-back (“I’m sorry, I need a second”) and then the flowing tears.

Point: Jon. At least Kate is promoting the show that centers around the point of this whole thing- the children.

Appearance

Jon: The double ear piercing, the graphic tees, that I-worked-an-hour-to-get-my-hair-to-look-messy hairdo – it all goes really well with the bull’s eye he has balding in the back of his head.

Kate: The backwards mullet? Really? If the entire country equates your hairstyle with road kill (porcupine? Raccoon? Take your pick!), you’d think you would get the hint. Other than her fugly haircut, Kate has come leaps and bounds from where she was ten years ago. She’s rocking a svelte new figure, always looks put together in an appropriate, stylish outfit, and rocks a flawless tanned glow.

Point: Kate. Jon looks like a douche, but that hair can’t possibly lose this one.

Romantic Life

Jon: Who isn’t Jon dating? He’s been separated for like 3 months and already has two women fighting over him (two raunchy, aspiring slutlets, BTW). He’s even added some Lohan-esque late night car shots to his book. Way to keep things classy, Jon.

Kate: Is Kate dating her bodyguard or isn’t she? Who knows? The tabloids have been buzzin’ with speculation about who Kate’s canoodling with, but Porcupine Head has yet to deny or confirm anything. Perhaps she isn’t dealing with the split as easily as Jon, perhaps she is still holding onto a shred of hope that reconciliation is in the future. Perhaps she should take off her wedding ring.

Point: Jon. What a male role model these kids have. If this keeps up, Joel, Colin and Aaden will be rocking diamond studs and bangin’ kindergarten girls by the time they reach the fourth grade.

Their “True Colors”

Jon: Through all 4 seasons of Jon & Kate Plus 8, Jon had the sympathy factor. “Oh poor Jon, Kate is so mean to him.” “Oh poor Jon, he’s trying his best to be a good dad and enjoy life.” Well boo-hoo, it looks like Jon has cried himself into the piercing chair one too many times and dried his tears with an endless wardrobe of tacky Ed Hardy t-shirts. Now he’s gallivanting around town with two young 20-somethings, spending wild nights out partying and shaking his chub on the deck of yachts all over the Atlantic. Looks to me like Jon has been hiding his true colors beneath a pushover, nice guy cover up all these years. Deep down? He’s really a douchebag.

Kate: We’ve been seeing Kate’s true colors since the first season of their show. She is tirelessly organized to the point of obsessive. And when the lists fall short and stressful situations arise (vacations, getting the kids to school, every other waking moment with 8 children), Kate’s nasty, controlling demeanor really shines through. She orders Jon around, has been known to strike him on occasion and shows absolutely no affection towards him whatsoever.

Point: Jon. At least Kate’s true colors, while frightening at times, get the job done. She has yet to lose a kid, miss a meal, or have anyone show up at school without underwear on.

And the Celebretard Award Goes To….Jon! He has broken down into a midlife crisis tinted by tacky-desperate-whore-colored glasses and has become a horrible role model for his children humanity. I feel confident that he will continue to uphold his title for years to come.

16 Comments on "Celebretard Showdown: Jon vs. Kate"

  1. collegethriving says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 20097:16 am 

    Don't you find it offensive to be implying the word "retard" in your celebretard posts?

    Aren't we all supposed to be some mature college students on here? I know, personally, I learned that "retard" was politically incorrect around middle school.

  2. Casey says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 20098:24 am 

    Collegethriving, I get that it could be considered offensive to use the word "retard", but these posts are all in good fun. Who cares if something is "politically incorrect" Isn't everything now-a-days "politically incorrect". I am so sick of living in a world where we have to censor everything we say because it might offend someone. We may as well just not speak when out in public. People need to realize that words have double meanings and we don't always use them the way they were originally intended.

    Maybe you can come up with a better name for this set of posts, since you don't like the current one.

  3. collegethriving says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 20098:39 am 

    Wow, I find your view extremely ignorant. I have a brother who is mentally retarded and I always get extremely hurt that people use a word that actually describes my brother to mean "stupid"… my brother was born "retarded" and I don't find it comparable to the antics of celebrities such as Job and Kate.

    Don't say that you don't consider something offensive simply because it's not offensive to YOU- because there are a lot of people out there who it really really hurts. When someone you love is actually "retarded" then come talk to me…

    I'm sorry if it's going to be EXTREMELY difficult to cut ONE word out your vocabulary to prevent hurting a lot of people. I don't write for collegecandy but I'm sure that a simple "Celebrity Showdown" will work, I don't think they need to worry about a catchy-slogan when the current slogan is already pushing away some readers.

  4. Ang says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 20099:20 am 

    this is sad because i was always rootin for team jon. further proof that men suck.

    & boo to the PC debate in the comments. *thumbs down*

  5. Diana says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 20099:42 am 

    As much as I find the whole PC debate over are we supposed to say "janitor/custodian/sanitary assistant…" stupid and not a big deal- I agree that the word "retard" is inappropriate. I don't NOT say it because I find it offensive, I don't say it because I think it makes people come off as stupid who do say it. Like the other commenter said, it's not hard to cut one not-so-articulate word out of your vocab, so why not? I don't know anyone with a mentally retarded relative but I'm sure that must be a hard like to live so why make it harder for them?

    I dont know, freedom of speech and whatnot, but I just thinkg saying "retarded" is unclassy and makes you look bad

  6. b says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 200910:05 am 

    celebridiot showdown? (since, in this context, that is what's being implied. not jumping into the PC debate, just providing an alternative suggestion.)

  7. Casey says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 200910:26 am 

    I'm sorry you find my view ignorant. I didn't say I didn't find it offensive because it doesn't effect me, I never even said I didn't find it offensive. My boyfriends cousin (who I am very close with and absolutely adore!) has downs syndrome, so I think I qualify to talk to you. But it's not just one word (and a word that most people have had in their vocabulary since we were very young) there are many many words like this. The word "gay" for example. Hilary Duff did a whole commercial about cutting the word gay out of your vocabulary. I said I get that the word is offensive. My issue was with the politically correct world we are living in today. How you have to watch every little thing that you say because the slightest thing you say, someone will take offense to it. I wasn't just talking about this one word.

  8. Casey says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 200910:31 am 

    As a side note, I'm not advocating the use of the word "retarded" to mean "stupid" it is not a word that I personally use. My ONLY problem is with the whole "politically correct" issue. So I apologize Collegethriving, I in no way meant to offend you.

  9. Kayla - California S says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 200911:32 am 

    I agree with the suggestion to use "Celebridiot Showdown" as the new title for this series. It's a silly, all-in-good-fun column that I enjoy, but would enjoy even more if the title were less offensive. It's no big deal, just change the title and erase the issue altogether.

  10. Sarah says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 20092:47 pm 

    There is always someone like "collegethriving" who has a stick up their ass. Don't read this website if you are so "offended". I am offended that you feel the need to comment behind your big, bad computer persona about an issue that isn't going away any time soon. Get used to the world we live in. It's not pretty and everyone isn't sympathetic. Oh well. Live for yourself..

  11. Casey says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 20093:31 pm 

    God Sarah! You are MEAN! It's people like you who make this world such a shitty place! It sounds like you have a stick up your ass as well. I mean, what you said was just so hypocritical! You criticize collegethriving for getting offended by an issue that's so close to her heart, and then turn around and show absolutely no class and equate what she's going through to the fact that you get offended by people "hiding behind a computer". When that is EXACTLY what you are doing as well! How about you learn to have a little more respect for the people you share this planet with. And maybe then you wouldn't have to advocate an ugly non-sympathetic world that you do nothing but help to create.

    I'm not trying to pick a fight with you, I wasn't even going to comment about what you said, but re-reading it,it was just so uncalled for. Go ahead and flame me if you want, I spoke my peace, I wont be responding back.

  12. D. says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 20093:36 pm 

    The use of the 'retard' for these posts has come up a few times in the comments before. Clearly it offends more than a few people (I'm one of them).

    Sarah:

    So I suppose you would never complain that you find something offensive, because if it bugs you you can just not watch/read it, right?

  13. Sonia says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 20097:26 pm 

    to collegethriving: the preferred terminology is "with mental retardation"; and not "a brother who is mentally retarded", or "when someone you love is actually 'retarded'" don't let the disability define them, because it doesn't.

    to casey: you did it too. but your incredibly arrogant response to sarah was uncalled for. she was out of line but seriously are you 9 years old?

    can we all just stop stomping our feet and move towards a new understanding?

  14. collegethriving says:
    Sat, 29th Aug 20095:19 am 

    I'm obviously not disrespecting my own brother by defining him and please don't imply that. I was just trying to compare the notion of someone who "is" mentally retarded and Jon and Kate "are" retarded.

    But I do agree that we should just move to a new understanding- I didn't mean to start a debate I just would prefer Collegecandy to change the name- I like the website but I hate reading these posts.

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