Single. And Kinda, Sorta Rational. Sometimes.

August 28, 2009 4:00 pm     Posted in Advice, Relationships  Dannia- Loyola University Chicago g+ page

breaking_up_cropped copyIt all…it all happened so suddenly. One moment I’m completely single with fewer prospects than an English major (I can say this since I’m an English major), and the next I have a guy friend sitting in front of me saying “I like you. I like everything about you.” And…uh…this is a totally weird a rare phenomenon but I like him too. We like each other at the same time!


By Dannia

I asked him if he’d like to be dating-ish. His response? He liked me enough to do away with the “-ish”. And for as much as I badger guys for being commitment phobes who don’t know what they want…I was the one who wanted to keep the “ish”.

It’s not that I don’t think he’s smart and funny and sexy and the coolest person I’ve met since Zach Braff (I know. I met Zach Braff. I’m excited for me, too). It’s just that I’ve jumped head first into things about seven times too many. And now that I know what can happen, there’s a little bit of hesitation to drop those three little letters that act as my flotation device. Am I smart or cynical?

To tell the truth, falling for someone goes exactly the same way every single time. You get giggly around them. You get antsy when they haven’t called, and then can’t hide your annoying smile when their number finally pops up. You don’t eat because joy and snuggles are fulfilling enough. And to tell the truth, it all ends the same way. In tears. And if not in tears, in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s mixed intermittently with shots of vodka.

I’ve heard of loving like you’ve never been hurt, but, come on, that’s ridiculous. Why would you take all of your experiences and shove them out of your mind just so you can date with all the wisdom of a libidinous sixteen year old? (There’s a reason no one wanted to sit with you at lunch in high school, by the way.) That’s terrible advice, loving like you’ve never been hurt.

Especially cause it’s not advice. It’s what I stupidly do every single time anyways. It’s like telling me to drink like I’ve never thrown up; it’s a bad idea that I already planned on. I know people cheat. I know people fall in and out of love faster than I can decide which panties to wear that day. I know people fall for the banging hottie at the local coffee shop while I’m still dedicating “Hey There Delilah” to them on the Mix (No wonder no one likes me). But every time a new flame’s hand brushes mine and those sparks fly, I just FORGET.

What I would rather do is learn to love like I have been hurt. You know why? Because I HAVE, and something should probably come from that. As in some discretion, wisdom, any sort of benefit at all. Just because there is finally (FINALLY) a guy willing and ready to completely open up to me doesn’t necessarily mean I’m willing and ready to do the same. And I don’t think I necessarily am required to, either; why should I have to force my emotions to move at the other person’s pace?

I don’t think it’s being jaded; I think it’s not acting like the same silly girl I was 5 years ago. It’s not even that he has to prove himself to me… I already know he’s a trustworthy guy, and as close to being a gentleman as the 19th amendment allows. It’s about proving to myself that I’m ready for my emotional side and my rational side to finally co-exist. And just because he says he’ll catch me doesn’t mean I absolutely have to jump…I have to make sure I can catch myself first.

24 Comments on "Single. And Kinda, Sorta Rational. Sometimes."

  1. eliz says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 200912:14 pm 

    "drink like you've never thrown up" hahaha

  2. Star says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 200912:34 pm 

    Well spoken and I agree completely. It's not possible to love like you've never been hurt after you get hurt that first time. We would never learn if we did.

  3. grace b says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 200912:52 pm 

    I totally agree with this. It is especially hard when you just don't know if you can put yourself out there emotionally.

    For example, totally into this guy on my floor, he's into me. I took the first step and asked him to watch a movie this week. Still haven't heard anything. So I'm guessing I misread his signals.

    Guess I'll just stop flirting…..even if I'm not sure I can commit to a guy!

  4. Vicki says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 20091:13 pm 

    You listen to the Mix? Lol, so do I. I love listening to Eric and Kathy in the mornings.

  5. Casey says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 20092:24 pm 

    I don't agree with this. I DO see where you're coming from, as I have been hurt many many times in the past. But you just have to learn to let go. No, not forget, but let go. No guy is the same, no relationship is the same, and so, no relationship can be lead by lessons learned in a previous one. You can remember the signs (from past relationships, without reading into things (in a present relationship). People say "love like you've never been hurt" because you CAN'T go into a new relationship with a chip on your shoulder, it's impossible. If you're not there emotionally, then there is no relationship.

    This guy sounds like a great guy! And he sounds DIFFERENT from most guys. And he sounds like he really really likes you! Don't throw all that away and ruin a good thing because some loser asshole in the past acted like a loser asshole that you were actually better off without. (seriously girls, if a guy "hurts" you, you just have to realize he WAS NOT the guy for you, and move on! Don't let some jerk make you cry and feel bad, cause he's not worth your worry or your tears). Guys are not all the same, and if you continue to act like they are, you will never find "the one" (and trust me, he exists).

    So I say "love like you've never been hurt"

  6. Julia says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 20094:01 pm 

    Agreed!!! "love like I have been hurt"

  7. stephanie says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 20099:17 pm 

    Casey: Put a sock in it. Thank you. This is exactly what is wrong about girls. They are so dumb they don't have a clue what the fuck they want. Grow up and stop fucking around before you end up alone and with your cat.

  8. Terreal says:
    Fri, 28th Aug 20099:46 pm 

    I just posted this in an earlier article, but I'm hoping this messages reaches someone who really needs it.

    If you've been in multiple relationships where you're coming out on the "short end" of the stick then it's time for some sincere personal evaluation. Changing the "pace" isn't going to significantly change the outcome in your favor. True, banging your head only twice a minute against a wall to stop it from itching instead of ten times a minute probably hurts less. However, wouldn't it make more sense to stop banging your head against the wall, figure out why your head itches in the first place and find a timely solution?

  9. La says:
    Sat, 29th Aug 20096:52 am 

    It's a fine line. Use what you've learned in the past as a stepping stone for the future, but don't let it dictate everything. Consider what went wrong specifically in the past. I'm sure it wasn't from jumping into things too fast perse.

  10. Casey says:
    Sat, 29th Aug 20097:33 am 

    Thanks Stephanie, I'll keep my relationship advice to myself next time. I mean, It's not like I'm in an AMAZING relationship, living with my absolutely ADORING boyfriend, and having the time of my life right now or anything like that. Sorry, I guess I just wanted to help other girls share in my happiness, but next time, I'll just let people like you suffer by yourself. But I think that attitude of yours is probably your biggest problem in your failed relationships, oh well, good luck anyways.

  11. Genevieve says:
    Sat, 29th Aug 20097:46 am 

    UGH, collegecandy do yourself a favor and remove Casey from the team! Her comments are obnoxious!

  12. Casey says:
    Sat, 29th Aug 20098:54 am 

    I'm not part of the collegecandy writing team. I'm just a reader. And please, what do you find so obnoxious about my comments? Maybe if you actually let me know instead of complaining about them I can change the way I approach things. But as far as I can tell all I did was offer my view on this post and got a really rude comment in return. Personally, I think people like "Stephanie" are the ones ruining this site with their intolerance, not me. But, if so many people have a problem with my posts, please let me know why, so something productive can come from all the hateful comments I get.

  13. Lisa says:
    Sat, 29th Aug 20099:51 am 

    WOW! I really agree with everything that was said here… You can't commit to someone when you don't feel ready for it. I was hurt badly && I thought I was ready to commit to a relationship because the guy was so nice && sweet… But I was wrong. I'm not ready for a relationship; I can't love like if I was never hurt…

  14. Genevieve says:
    Sat, 29th Aug 20092:39 pm 

    Actually my mistake, as an everyday reader you can be condescending to whoever you'd like, if you were part of the staff then I would think you'd like to show a bit more class. So I apologize.

    I think you get hateful comments because people, like me, assume you are a part of the theme and hold you to a different standard. That sucks that you get many, but I hope it doesn't hold you down and keep being you.

    It is kind of weird though that you want your facebook profile linked. Is there a reason for that? Don't you feel like your privacy is being invaded?

  15. Genevieve says:
    Sat, 29th Aug 20092:40 pm 

    team not theme, that's a funny mistake.

    yourself not you

  16. Casey says:
    Sat, 29th Aug 20094:38 pm 

    Oh because my name is linked? I just did that yesterday because someone has been posting pretending to be me and leaving rude comments, it was the only way I could think of to get them to stop. I have a blog on wordpress, which is the site collegecandy uses for their blog, so that's why my name is linked, but as far as I know my facebook doesn't show any personal information but my name and picture, my blog however has way more personal and privacy invading information on it, so I just linked it to my facebook instead.

    But as for the hateful comments, I really don't know why I get so many (and yes, I get a lot) some posts are understandable, but others, I just don't see where I go wrong. I don't mean to come off the way so many people seem to perceive me, I guess I just word things wrong or don't say things quite right and it rubs people the wrong way. But until I can get some positive criticism, I have no option but to continue on the way I do. I don't like to see other people getting attacked, so I like to stand up for others, but myself, I don't really care I'm used to it, after all, it's just the internet.

    Thanks though, misunderstandings happen.

  17. R says:
    Sun, 30th Aug 20097:44 am 

    People on this site are so rude. I agree with you Casey, how are you going to find the perfect guy if you hold yourself back? Maybe the next guy you date is your soul mate but if you "love like you've been hurt" then you might mess things up because your'e not really giving him all the love you can.

  18. Casey says:
    Sun, 30th Aug 20098:57 am 

    Well his OLD band (pretty sure I said that in my other comment, although I don't know why you're bringing it to this post) was "Our Finest Hour" they played all over the east coast. But a couple members were joining the military and my boyfriend was tired of that genre of music, so they broke up. And you just sound so immature and ridiculous that I can't even take your "insults" seriously.

    R, yes I agree completely, if you love like you have been hurt then it's going to create a barrier between you and any guy you try and date. And it's just not going to be the best relationship it can be. Like I said before, you can remember the signs that things are going wrong without reading into things, or sabotaging, any future relationships, but you can't go into it with a "love like I have been hurt" attitude, because then you're not open to giving it your all.

  19. blairh313 says:
    Mon, 31st Aug 20096:30 am 

    I agree with casey. If you're not a little vulnerable, you'll never get anything back.

    And I think the last line of this article is a key that a lot of people are missing: "I have to make sure I can catch myself first." So true. Like Terreal said, if every relationship ends in heartbreak, it's time to look to yourself rather than the guys you're picking. You have to be comfortable with yourself, know what YOU need, before jumping into a relationship. Only then will it work and only then do you have a chance of not getting hurt.

    http://ignighter.com

  20. valkyrie9 says:
    Tue, 1st Sep 20095:46 pm 

    Something tells me "stephanie" from above is not actually a girl, but just thinks posing as a girl gives HIS comments more credibility. News flash! They don't.

    And Casey, I have no problem with your comments. Keep making them. You have just as much a right as anyone else. I think it's other people here who are being condescending.

  21. Kei says:
    Tue, 1st Sep 200911:10 pm 

    yeah…I didn't really see anything wrong with Casey's first comment either. I'm new on College Candy so I don't know about her other comments, but I don't see anything wrong with her giving her own opinions on this.

    Dannia, I feel the exact same way. I'm so worried about getting hurt so I've built this "protective shield" to stop myself from falling too quickly and getting emotionally attached. I'm able to trick myself into thinking "this is only a fling. We're not boyfriend-girlfriend. I only feel physically attached to him"…and I guess it works, but it's never gotten me far and the guys always get hurt and I feel terrible.

    I don't know how to give advice on this, but just telling you that you're not alone. :)

  22. Erich says:
    Wed, 2nd Sep 20097:18 pm 

    Wait we are talking realtionship right, not just fling. Some of you commentors on here might want to experience life first.

    Actually therapists will tell you that in order to have a successful relationship with anyone, you have to be willing to be dissapointed and in a gf/bf relationship that is gonna last you have to be willing to have your heart broken if not then why have a relationship at all?

  23. JohnE says:
    Thu, 3rd Sep 20099:01 am 

    I am no expert having been in only two relationships. One failed(totally my fault) and one successful but I think the main problem is that people seem to believe that there is THE ONE person for them. With the number ofpeople on the planet even if you eliminate the ones not in your age bracket there are millions out there to date and you think there is only one there for you. That would be depressing. Life is meant to be lived. "Do what you feel and keep both feet on the wheel." Elwood

  24. morgan says:
    Sun, 6th Sep 20097:58 pm 

    this is great, i completely agree

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