Weekly Ten: She’s Just Not That Into You

"So....maybe we could go out sometime?"

Sometimes I like to think I’m David Letterman, only with better teeth and less wrinkles. So, every week I write a top ten list of things that are super duper relevant and important. Like staying sober…and those celebs we love to hate.

This week, I’m breakin’ it down for the boys out there. Myself, and many CollegeCandies are not big fans of He’s Just Not That Into You. I do think the book has some valid points, but it’s way too over the top. So I’ve decided to write a rebuttal and tackle the ten signs that She’s Just Not That Into You.

Guys, take note!

10. She stops texting back.
No, my phone isn’t off. It’s never off. I mean, how else would I get Facebook updates 24/7? Not to mention my solitaire addiction. Unless you’re with a girl who doesn’t have a texting plan, she got your text message. If a girl likes you she will answer your text message, guaranteed. She also spent a good twenty minutes thinking up her forty character response.

If she’s just not that into you? You’ll get no response or “lol yeah” for an answer. For the record? “Lol yeah” is the kiss of death, homeboy. Please don’t text three times back to back. It’s desperate. No, I don’t want to hang out with you, and NO I don’t really have a boyfriend – I just said that because I didn’t want to tell you the harsh truth: you’re a straight up creeper and you’re in my address book as “Weirdo Scumbag.” Get the hint.

9. She avoids physical contact at all costs.
PDA is gross. Hand holding can be stupid. If we are rejecting even kisses on the cheek or flinch when your leg brushes against us? Yeah, it’s hairy and kinda gross, but there’s something more: you’re in the “friend zone.” 

8. She’s. Not. Amused.
If we like you, no matter how stupid and corny your jokes are, we’ll laugh. Oh yeah, we will. Even if we just giggle and say, “that’s cheesy,” girls will still make a point to smile, even at the corniest of jokes.
EXAMPLE:
Boy-toy: How do you keep a rhinocerous from charging?
Girl: I don’t know, how?
Boy-toy: You take away his credit card!
Girl (over-enthusiastically): HAHAHA omigod you have such a good sense of humor!
Boy-toy (thinking): I know, right? Ugh I am the MAN! That joke is effin’ hilarious!

7. She talks about other cute boys, crushes and dates in front of you.
No brainer. Enjoy hearing, “No, he’s just my good friend.”

6. You don’t know if her family/friends like you.

Here are some tip-offs:

- She hasn’t introduced you to her circle of friends or family.
- She hasn’t brought you home.
- She doesn’t talk about you to her mom.
- She doesn’t talk about you to anyone.
- Even her beloved pekingese puppy (who she tells everything to) hasn’t heard your name.

She’s just not that into you. Neither is her fluffy pooch.

5. She doesn’t freak out about things.
You’re going out with another girl. Go ahead! You think her best friend’s hot? She asks if you want her number. You didn’t call her back because you thought you were playing “hard to get”? She doesn’t even mention it. Didn’t remember her birthday? Big deal, it’s just a birthday. You blew her off last minute for a formal? Awesome, because you were the fifth person she asked and that hottie in Chem 101 just became available. You’re a last resort, sorry!

4. She talks openly about bodily functions.
She doesn’t try and cover up the nasty noises that come out of her after eating too many two dollar tacos. She challenges you to burping contests. You’re more familiar with her digestive tract than your own. Gross. She’s not that into you….but she should be into some Pepto-bismol.

3. She’s got a boyfriend/fiancée/husband/ex that she’s sleeping with.
She’s attached. Odds are high that she won’t dump Mr. Whoever for you. She might even be lying about a boyfriend to get rid of you. Not that I’ve used that line before… or like… this morning. Oops.

2. She’s really busy with school/work/feeding her goldfish.
If a girl likes you, she will always make the time for you, every damn day. There is not one single chica on this planet who can’t carve out a measly five minutes of her day to contact you in some shape or form. You deserve better, don’t be last on her “to-do list” right under “re-organize all the Tupperware in my apt.”

1. She doesn’t Facebook you back.
Might sound stupid, but this is HUGE. With the way technology is today, Facebook is as available to everyone as text messaging. Not to mention, girls LOVE Facebook. If she can take the time to become a fan of Brody Jenner, she can take the time to write on your wall, message you back or poke you in a timely manner. And if she hearts you, she will want everyone on FB to know.