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Ask A Dude: The Ultimate Ultimatum
September 2, 2009 Posted in Advice, Relationships
[You got a question for our Dude? Email him: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He'll be answering your questions every week!]
Dear Dude,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 11 months now. We started off really well, getting to know each other and enjoying time with the other for the first month or so. For the following two months after that, not so much due to my getting extremely ill and his graduating college and traveling for a month. He came and visited me while I was recovering and we talked everyday either on the phone or skype while he was traveling. When he came back though, that’s when the fights started.
On my 22nd birthday he left my party due to an uncomfortable conversation between my friends and him without telling me what was going on. I had friends coming in from out of town to meet him and his leaving before they got there really upset me, and his lying about leaving made me more upset. Now, after our latest blow up, which involved ignoring my calls and not talking to me with out any warning, I’m wondering if he is ready to be in a relationship. He has told me he wants to be with me and he cares about our relationship, but I feel that he has no respect for me. My friends say he and I should break up, but I remember when I was sick and how none of them were there for me. He was, though, which is why I am having such a hard time with this.
I don’t know what to do so I have done the one thing I know is truly bad for a relationship: given him a deadline to shape up or ship out.
What should I do? Should he and I break up, or should I lift this deadline? Should I just let him work out everything he needs to, or should I protect myself from being subjugated to further disrespect?
–Ultimatum Girl
Dear Ultimatum Girl,
Sometimes if something traumatic or stressful happens in the early months of dating, it brings a couple together faster and harder than they typically would have been. For example, I was once dating a girl for a few weeks, when we got into a severe car accident. I ended up dating her for nearly a year, even though we weren’t a good match (and generally drove one another nuts). It seems to me that although your dude was there for you in the beginning when you were sick, he just isn’t there for you now. You don’t need to stay loyal to someone for who they were in your relationship…you need to stick with them for who they are now (and frankly, consistent fighting, leaving you hanging on your birthday, and not enjoying one another…. just isn’t cutting it).
It can always seem easier to love and support one another when there is a large (and admittedly convenient) distance separating you from your personal flaws and incompatibilities. It seems like he can be mature enough to call and write you when he is far away, but ignores your calls when things get rocky on the home front (despite the fact that guys are rarely pros at communication).
Try making a list of all of the Pro’s and Con’s of your relationship at present (and eliminating any and all references to the past), and if things just aren’t adding up… it’s time to move on, start over, and skip the drama. Forget the ultimatum and forget waiting for him to be better. Just think about you and what you need; if he isn’t bringing it, it’s time for you to ship out.
–The Dude
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Erich says:
Wed, 2nd Sep 200911:49 am
that was really good advice… More women should be contacting you and listening to what you have to say. So many women just continue thier relatiosnhips with said douchebag only to get burned over and over again.
oobunillaoo says:
Fri, 4th Sep 200910:11 am
i would say this guy is giving her really clear signals he's no longer willing to put in what the relationship needs.
i would also say that giving an ultimatum will not procure any positive results. if he decides to stay he'll just feel like she is a ball breaker, and possibly dependent on him. if he bails, the rational part of him that may have had a chance to think things through was pushed beyond reason (instead of talking about possible issues and attempting to reconcile) so she'll never really know one way or the other if he *does* decide to walk.
really, putting people on the spot like that doesn't do anything to endear you to those closest. they've been together less than a year and she's giving ultimatums? are there kids and/or drugs involved? did she move across a few time zones for him? where does this supposed right to hand out ultimatums come from? not a very wise move imo.
Frank says:
Fri, 11th Sep 200910:56 am
If he doesn't want to answer your calls, the relationship is done. Lots of fish out there, go find one that wants to pick up the phone when you call.
been there says:
Sat, 26th Sep 20095:43 pm
Giving someone an ultimatum is a sure way to know where you stand if nothing else. Ultimatums are mostly given out of desperation, and noone likes being at the receiving end. Many times it can be a deal breaker. Just be sure when you GIVE one that you can deal with the possible result!
Ellie says:
Mon, 2nd Nov 20097:14 pm
Ultimatums only scare people away. You cant just go well this is what I want and if you dont bend over and kiss my ass well I'm sorry we're at an indifference.
Maybe things have gotten so tense because you are putting too much blame on him. All I read as I"I am doing and he is not doing enough" but really theres ALWAYS more to the picture. Maybe he was just busy and not ignoring your calls? Perhaps your friends said something that was out of line at the party and he left.
It also seems that if they had a difference in opinions that of course they wouldnt like him and are like oh yeah break up. If you have real feelings for him take him aside and say look I cant help but feel like I'm being d*cked around and then explained what changed.
BUT! Give him an open ear and a chance and hear the things hes felt change too.
another dude says:
Tue, 5th Jan 201011:49 am
This guy is not into you anymore. For whatever reason, I can't say and he probably never will. First, he leaves your birthday party abruptly. Then, he started "ignoring my calls and not talking to me with out any warning" (was he supposed to give you warning that he was going to ignore you? Silly girl…). If he ignores your calls, he wants out without breaking up with you, hoping you will break up with him. I've done it dozens of times. You just become an a-hole and let the girl get the picture without having to have the breakup conversation. It's really a lot easier that it sounds, from a guy's point of view. And is my preferred method out of a relationship. Yes, I know what I am, and I don't care because I am lazy and male.