Happy 40th Birthday, Internet!
Happy (alleged) Birthday! I hope this letter finds you well and spyware free. It’s been 40 years since you first transferred data between computers and look how far you’ve come! Just this morning, I Googled “cat playing piano” and, within seconds, you provided me with a scintillating YouTube video that made me giggle and set the mood for the day.
I would like to take this time to tell you how much I cherish you, Internet. You have given me a place to unleash my inner-stalker, and you let me do it in the privacy of my own bedroom (which is much less shady than the white van I used to camp out in). For this, my dignity and I thank you. I sleep peacefully at night knowing Facebook and Twitter will be there in the morning. It’s better (and at times more satisfying) than having a boyfriend.
Without you and Craigslist, I would never have bought that T.V. from a complete stranger. He later asked me on a date and, if things go well, I will name our first-born child after you. Even if it doesn’t end in an Interweb love child, you’ve thoughtfully provided me with a back-up plan. Online dating. You’ve made it so I can type in my criteria, and almost instantaneously I will find my soul’s perfect mate. If I could make it so, I would have you as the maid of honor at my eHarmony union.
Internet, you let me watch my favorite television shows online on those days when I’m just too lazy to leave my bed. And that happens often. When I do finally decide to come out of hibernation, you will tell me the exact weather so I can plan my outfit accordingly and then give me the directions to guide me on my way. You cater to my every whim both at home and on my phone, and there is nothing that will keep you from me (besides forgetting to pay my bill sometimes).
After all you give me, I wanted to give you something for your birthday. But what do you give the global data communications system that has everything? I hope a simple eCard will suffice.
Happy Birthday, Internet. We’d all be lost without you.
P.S. Thank you for this. It’s gotten me through a lot of dark times.