Weekly Ten: The Jobs That Deserve This Labor Day

Take a break, dude. You deserve it!

Part of the reason I write a Weekly 10 is because I’m paying homage to my man David Letterman (seriously, my dad hasn’t ever missed an episode), and partly it’s because I like lists. Particularly lists where I can prattle on about whatever issue I feel is super relevant. Ya know, like how I’m just not that into you or being super fabulously sober.

This week I’ve decided to list the 10 jobs that totally deserve to sleep in past noon this Monday, Labor Day. Why is it even called Labor Day? Shouldn’t it be Not-Labor Day? But I digress. Some people deserve a break for all they do/deal with on a daily basis. I don’t have the power to give it to them, but maybe they’ll note my appreciation and hook me up in the future.

So here are the people both on and off campus that totally deserve the holiday and our respect on this last official day of summer.

10. The Pizza Guys
Now, I don’t know if you are on first name basis with your 2 AM pizza man, but I certainly am. Heyyyy, Dimitri! Let me tell you, the guys who work the counter at the hot spot pizza place deserve this day more than anyone. I can’t even fathom the amount of drunk kids that Cappy’s (Northeastern’s pizza joint… only apropos when wasted) deals with. Hopefully they’ll take this day off, enjoy no one vomiting on their counter and maybe indulge in some food that isn’t deep fried.

9. College Janitors
Throwing sawdust and cleaning up vomit? Peeling pizza off dorm hallways? Scrubbing out showers covered in nasty, cheap beer? Please take a beach vaykay. We heart you and all you do for us.

8. Heidi and Spencer
Just take a vacation from the media, for the love of God.

7. The ladies who make the sandwiches in the cafeteria.
Recently, my good friend went to order a sandwich off the menu, but she had a few demands. Here’s how it went down.
Friend: Okay, I see that you have the Hemenway Special Sandwich. Yes, I want that. But can you make it a wrap?
Sandwich Woman Glares
Friend: Thanks… whoa! What are you doing with that mayo? No mayo. No actually, light mayo.
More Glaring
Friend: Can you substitute the ham for low fat turkey?
Sandwich Woman: I MAKE THE SANDWICH!

You totally deserve a Labor-less Day, lady.

6. Any and all taxi drivers
Mostly because my roommate insists that every cabdriver he drunkenly encounters is Ben Bailey and demands that the cabbie: “ASK US A QUESTION! WE’RE IN A CASH CAB!!! WHAT’S YOUR QUESTION? COME OOOOONNNNN BRO!!” I won’t be leaving my bed today, so hopefully they’ll get to enjoy this day off as well.

5. The Health Clinic Nurses
“I totally don’t know how I got these ping pong balls stuck in there…”

4. The Bouncer.
Take this holiday to shave your neckbeard and not play Jadakiss and make calls on “who’s real and who’s not” on their IDs.

3. Campus Security
Take the day to make the types of decisions that you bust students for. Maybe take a trip to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, walk a mile in our shoes. Or, you know, one broken high heel. Hypothetically.

2. The People Who Give Out Parking Tickets.
REALLY?? I was only 60 seconds late to get back to my car. Come on! Screw Labor Day, take a Labor Year.

1. The Dean
Helicopter parents, pompous professors with tenure, students who want A’s (even when they only showed up for a good four days of class) and alumni wondering why oh why the basketball team just can’t quite win the NCAA tournament. Ringleader, take a break from the campus circus and kick back with “The Economist” and a nice glass of wine. Enjoy a Monday without Mommy calling and asking why little Quentin can’t have his very own dorm room with a school-provided humidifier. You most definitely deserve it.

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of the city and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie