When You’re Not the Only One

September 8, 2009     Posted in Relationships, Sex

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21

By Ness

I had the perfect relationship. We met in my junior year of high school, and continued to date for the next year. While I had already lost my virginity prior to meeting my high school sweetheart, he had not (as far as I knew). During the first couple weeks of our relationship, I avoided the topic of virginity like the plague, as I didn’t want to rehash my embarrassing and somewhat regretted first time.

The time eventually came for us to get it on, and while I hadn’t asked if he still carried is v-card, after our first time lasted a good 10 minutes I figured I had not been the one to take his innocence. (What? Guys with their v-cards tend to finish at just the thought of getting some…)

Shortly after, the big conversation rolled around and I found out that I was indeed his first. I fessed up to my previous experience, and it seemed to be cool with him. He told me he was relieved that I knew what I was doing, as he was without a clue. It was a constant joke in our relationship that I had been the one who corrupted him, ha ha ha.

Fast forward a year later, and it’s time for him to go to college. Three hours away. So, after much contemplation, we decided the best thing to do would be to break up. We both needed to live a little before settling down with the person we truly felt was the one. We knew that we would both be attending the same college after this year was over, and if it was meant to be, it would happen again. It was hard, and we remained friends (who had sex on a semi-regular basis…) and things were going well.

But now that year is over. I had a few hook-ups, and while they were fun, I missed the stability and love of being with my sweetie. We’re back together now, and things have worked out essentially as planned. The chemistry is still there, we’re madly in love, and we are basking in being able to see each other every day. There’s only one problem – I wasn’t the only one who enjoyed some hook-ups on our off time.

I found out he had sex with two girls, a couple times each. He no longer talks to these girls because they wanted more and he didn’t. Actually, the experiences weren’t even that great for him. But the fact is, I can’t get it out of my head. I know he is the same person as he was before, and his sexual history shouldn’t matter, but there’s just something about knowing I’m no longer the only one that makes me feel weird.

Is it normal to feel so much jealousy about no longer being the only one, even though I’ve done the same? How do I no longer feel threatened by these girls I don’t even know?

21 Comments on "When You’re Not the Only One"

  1. Ness - Sheridan says:
    Tue, 8th Sep 20099:07 am 

    Just an update… this guy and I are no longer together (ugh), but now I know this was a big problem for both of us. Glad to hear I'm not the only one who's had these kinds of feelings.

    How did you deal with it?

  2. Genghis says:
    Tue, 8th Sep 200910:58 am 

    I thought only a guy wants to have his cake and eat it too?

  3. La says:
    Tue, 8th Sep 200911:58 am 

    No, you're totally normal. Jealousy is a natural reaction… and it often does pull people apart. My best advice for the future is to just not talk about it. That's not to say you ignore it completely, you should of course air your grievances without digging for juice (ask him to explain the nature of the relationships with these girls – were they truly only hookups, or was there more involved?) Have him be honest… it will help you reaffirm your commitment to each other.

    I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out, I hope that it wasn't over the stress between you two concerning these past flings. If it is, I would try to reconcile them. If it's truly not worth it, though, find yourself a guy that doesn't hold prior sexual escapades over your head for the jealousy factor.

  4. Sarah says:
    Tue, 8th Sep 20091:43 pm 

    Seems kind of silly, you two weren’t even together then and you did the same thing. So I can’t really can’t say I understand it.

  5. Samantha -UCSB says:
    Tue, 8th Sep 20091:47 pm 

    I know how you feel!! I HATE hearing about ex-girlfriends of guys that I’m dating. Or wondering about their sexual history (how is he SO good?!) If the guy that I’m dating now was my boyfriend, I’m sure that I would be freaking out about his past hookups AND girlfriends. It just begs the questions that plague women, because we’re women. How pretty was she? How skinny was she? Was she good? Did he like her? Was it better than what we’re doing now?

    The best thing to do is to take his feelings toward you, and the way that he acts, as your indication of what those other girls meant. In a word, they were probably nothing.

  6. Casey says:
    Tue, 8th Sep 20091:49 pm 

    I know where you’re coming from. And yes, it is normal, although not really warranted. You have to remember the agreement you made and that you in fact did agree to it, and even took advantage of it. He is probably feeling the same way about your off time hookups that you feel about his. Of course you’re going to feel those jealousy pangs now that you are no longer his only one, the thought that some other girl has experienced exactly what you have and has been somewhere where previously you were the only explorer does take it’s toll. However, you have to remember that you were and always will be his first and no other girl can take that from you. Also, he came back to you. He said no to the other girls because you were the best, or at least where his heart was, and that should take precedence over the fact that he hooked up with someone else at all.

    I’ve been in two similar situations. My high school sweetheart I was his first, but he wasn’t mine. As we got closer to graduation he started to feel as though he was missing out. He wanted to “take a break” so he could experience sex with other people and catch up to me, but he didn’t want me to hookup with anyone else because, “being a girl [I] could get as many guys as [I] wanted”, and he actually had to work for his. So it would defeat the idea of him “catching up” (to my 1 other). That’s when I decided to just break it off all together.

    My next situation is a little different. My current boyfriend lost his to his first girlfriend (who he dated for three years) and then slept with 3 other girls before he and I ever met. I had by that point slept with 6 guys. Neither of us were each other’s firsts, or seconds, or even thirds, and knowing that takes a toll on both of us. Since we love each other so much we would have liked to experience being each other’s firsts together, unfortunately, that is now impossible. It sucks knowing that he lost his virginity to someone he truly cared for at the time, instead of to me. I can never replace that girl in his mind, although he no longer cares about her, I will never be the girl he lost it too. So at least you still have that.

    These experiences have shown me the importance of “waiting till marriage” to have sex. Because it is something that you can only experience once and with one person, and ideally that person would be the one you love and want to spend forever with. I’m not touting an abstinent only policy, or waiting till marriage for sex, because I don’t necessarily regret my past decisions, they just makes life a little harder, but for any virgins still out there, it is something to take into consideration.

  7. Angie Marie says:
    Tue, 8th Sep 20091:30 pm 

    I appreciate Casey's honesty. This is exactly why I'm a virgin and waiting for marriage. Having sex with just one person makes life so much easier. I'm not condeming anyone for their decisions; sex is obviously a super-personal issue. Waiting for marriage is best for me, though.

  8. R says:
    Tue, 8th Sep 20099:42 pm 

    Its totally normal to me. I had a (sort of) similar experience. My current boyfriend lost his V-card to his first serious gf. For the first 2 1/2 years of our relationship I knew he had only had sex with one other girl and I was pretty ok with it. (He never talks to her and hates her now). But now, after 2 years, I find out that he had a hook up with another chick! (This girl wanted him to be her first.. he felt “honored” -.-) Now I know this happened about 6 months before we even started dating but it still really got to me. Not that he had sex with her.. but because he didn’t tell me for 2.5 years. His excuse for not telling me?… he forgot he had sex with her. =|

  9. Juliet says:
    Tue, 8th Sep 200910:01 pm 

    Oh give me a fucking break, will you please? You were broken up and are jealous that your bf actually lived his life, and didn't wait around like a fucking moron to only have sex with you????? What the fucking hell planet are you living on? Try to at least have the iq of a bag of rhino shit before you talk any further.

  10. emily says:
    Wed, 9th Sep 20096:02 am 

    some of the comments on this site are so emotionally fused…that's how you know the comment poster has some strange insecurity linked to the article's topic….

  11. Alice says:
    Wed, 9th Sep 20096:38 am 

    My boyfriend was my first and while I was not his, I am appreciative of his experience at least. He is a good lover.

    But even so, it's hard to push away some feelings of jealousy to curiosity about his past lovers, and how I compare to them. I'm accepting of them, after all, they were in the past, but jealousy bubbles up from time to time, and I guess I'm always curious as to it.

    I can at least take heart at his strong fidelity so he would never cheat on me.

  12. Casey says:
    Wed, 9th Sep 200910:03 am 

    Juliet, did you miss the part where she said she didn't wait around either? Please read the entire article before you post any further.

  13. E says:
    Wed, 9th Sep 200910:34 am 

    My boyfriend and I were each other's firsts, but we broke up for a while when I went to college in a different state, though we remained very close friends. After graduation I moved back and we are now back together, but I also can't stand hearing about the girls he was with while we were apart. I know I did it too–I had 2 serious relationships while we were apart and he knows all about them, but still I wish I could just pretend I was the only one for him.

  14. S says:
    Wed, 9th Sep 20092:36 pm 

    http://www.fmylife.com/love/5148313
    sure, wait for marriage… that can't backfire at all…

  15. Casey says:
    Wed, 9th Sep 20092:49 pm 

    Right S, because THAT situation happens every day. Not to mention the guy in the FML story you referred to CAN'T have sex, so that makes the story completely irrelevant to this article and the discussion taking place. Plus, the marriage in the FML story you referred to would be annulled no questions asked if the wife wanted it to be and if she was still a virgin before the marriage then she would still be a virgin after finding that out.

    So let's not cloud peoples judgments with a one in a million story, if people want to wait until marriage to have sex then that is perfectly fine, there should not be shame in waiting for marriage to have sex.

  16. emily says:
    Fri, 11th Sep 20097:07 am 

    I would like to add to Casey's comment by saying that most of the fml stuff is made up on the spot, the stuff "good" sitcoms are made of.

  17. Jeremy says:
    Sat, 19th Sep 20098:11 pm 

    Wow! Most of the folks on here must have IQ's hovering barely about 70. And the writer of this article is a dumb slut. Amazing!

  18. Casey says:
    Sun, 20th Sep 20097:43 am 

    Jeremy, if you're going to make personal attacks without offering an explanation, or anything substantial to back them up, then just don't bother. Comments like yours are worthless, and merely take up space.

  19. Jeremy says:
    Sun, 20th Sep 20098:09 am 

    Don't get your panties in a twist now, Casey. I almost died laughing after realizing that the author was actually serious.

  20. anonymous says:
    Mon, 28th Sep 20091:41 pm 

    1) you're an idiot.

    2) you self-centered, controlling, "daddy didn't love me enough", dizzy-headed skeez… you did the exact same thing he did- random hookups.

    conclusion: get over yourself. and while you're at it, do yourself and the world a favor- save your pointless, idiotic ramblings for your diary. you're fired.

    oh, and by the way, do you cry and get upset when he masturbates, too? or is that strictly forbidden? control freak!

  21. Troy says:
    Mon, 25th Oct 20105:37 pm 

    For someone who also wrote the article about not understanding the wait for marriage, this seems kind of contradictory. I mean, obviously there's going to be strings attached when you're sleeping with other people. Not necessarily always bad, but you know that the other person has been with others. I dunno, I'm not trying to preach or anything, but I could definitely see myself really flipping out if my wife has been with other men…. I dunno. haha

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