The Morning After: The Mystery Masturbator

By Anonymous

Sick of going out (literally, we’d all spent the day in bed with trash cans nearby), my roommates and I decided to have a Saturday night in.  We ordered a late night dinner of greasy Chinese food and gathered around the table – some of us on chairs, some of us on empty kegs, because most of our chairs were broken at our last house party – to load up on MSG and girl time.

The boys who lived next door had been giving us crap all day for skipping out on a “quality party night,” but we didn’t care. The only thing we were gonna be drinking that night was some hot and tasty egg drop soup.

While unpacking the 4 bags of food, I looked out the window and waved to the neighbors doing beer bongs in their kitchen. We were separated by only a driveway, so we could see and hear everything going on in eachothers’ houses. (Which, by the way, we learned the hard way when we were going on and on… and on about how hot they were…and they heard the entire thing.)

Anyways, while making eyes at one of the boys in the kitchen, I noticed one of the other boys standing on our driveway on his cell phone. I started banging on the window and screaming.

“Hey Matt! Matt! Get off the phone and come play with us!” My roommates gathered around me and joined me in heckling Matt. We were banging, screaming and pretending to flash him to get his attention.

Matt turned around.

“Ha! He’s pretending to jack off.” I started laughing. “Matt, that’s gross. Get off the phone and come over!”

That’s when one of my roommates noticed something odd.

“Uh, I don’t think he’s pretending.”

We all paused and stuck our faces a little closer against the window.

“Uh, guys, I don’t think that’s Matt.”

Two of my roommates ran to the front door and peered around the porch. Then came back into the house screaming.

“OH MY GOD! His pants were around his ankles.”
“I just saw a penis!”
“That wasn’t Matt!”

More screaming.

By the time we all ran back to the window, “Matt” was gone. And by “Matt” I mean the masturbating man that had been surprising women all over campus for months. I’m not sure why I automatically assumed that a large man with a sweater pulled up over his face was my neighbor, nor why any man would get his rocks off on a group of hungover girls scarfing down some mooshu, but I did know that I wasn’t hungry for my dinner anymore.

We called the cops who quickly came to “collect evidence” off of my roommate’s car. When the police left (after telling us to stay in the house and lock the doors), we ran to the neighbor’s house to tell them the story. Most laughed at the idea of a creepy masturbator doing his business while 8 girls banged on the window and waved at him. The real Matt, however, never could understand how we mistook an old dude with his penis in his hand for his 6’4, good looking self.