What Up, Russell Brand? Live-blogging the MTV VMAs

Well, the time is finally here:

Russell Brand.
A Michael Jackson tribute.
Taylor Swift, Beyonce, and Pitbull performances.
Moon men.
Red carpet fashion you’d only see on MTV.

The VMAs are always the best show of the year, and tonight will definitely be no different. We’ve been waiting for weeks and now we’re ready with a bowl of cookie dough in one hand and a MacBook in the other to catch every. last. minute.

Tweet your thoughts to @CollegeCandy and we’ll include them here!

And here we go….

8:00: WTF is Lady Gaga wearing? The woman can’t even move!

8:01: Ashley Greene is the star of the pre-show. Looks like all I need is a saucy sex tape and I could be the queen of MTV.

8:06: Shakira’s on the red carpet and she looks totally different. Maybe it’s the straight hair? Her breasts, however, are still small and humble.

8:07: Commercial break. And it’s MTV, so this will probably be 10 minutes long. Enough time to get some Diet Coke/have a mini Michael Jackson dance party in my room? Let’s find out.

8:11: And we’re back. Who’s that on the fire truck? Hot firemen? Check! Oh yeah…and Pink. Lookin’ good, woman. But are you wearing Shakira’s dress?

8:13: Lady Gaga is a freak. Yeah a said it. All those feathers? That mask? Kermit as her date?  I swear she’ll do ANYTHING to prevent people from seeing what she really looks like…

8:17: OH MY GODDDD!! TAYLOR LAUTNER. He’s almost 18, right? I mean, I can drool over him and not end up talking to Chris Hansen, right?? P.S. This Ashley girl is the worst red carpet correspondent, ever. Can we get a little Giuliana Rancic up in here?

8:19: Buzz Aldrin? Who let the old guy in? And why can’t he read? We sent this man to the moon, for god’s sake!

8:25: Taylor Swift arrives in a horse drawn carriage. Obvi. And OMG her dress is ridic. Beautiful. Sparkly.  I want to be this girl. Or raid her closet.

8:28: My dog is curled up on my feet. Asleep. Clearly she isn’t as excited about this show as I am.

8:30: I could be Justin Beiber’s mom. If I had a kid when I was 11, of course. And someone should let Diddy’s date know that I can almost see her nips. One fast move and we’ll have a Janet Jackson moment on our hands.

8:33: Ok, why did they stop to talk to baby Beiber and only FLASH QUICKLY PAST CHASE CRAWFORD?! He’s the one we all wanna see. Naked. I mean…

8:36: Kristin Cavillari: Great makeup, great dress, greasy/flat hair. Maybe she should stop smooching with John Mayer and get herself into the shower.

8:39: Faaaaame.  Anyone else as excited to see this as me?

8:46: Can we stop talking to randos and just get out to the red carpet to show us everyone coming in? I don’t care what this random former ANTM contestant has to say or what this crazy Twitter girl is seeing in the Twitterverse.

8:51: Well, hey there, J-Lo. Are you using drugs? All that moving and swaying is making me trip out.

8:55: Now, I’m completely straight, but I can’t stop looking at Beyonce’s boobs. She looks like a freaking Barbie doll. Does this woman ever look bad!?!

8:59: Worst. red carpet show. ever. How boring!? Let’s just hope the main event is way, WAY better. Let’s get this show on the road!

9:03: Madonna may be a great performer, but no matter how great this story is about her and Michael Jackson, she’s not so good at telling it…

9:07: I’m bored, Madonna. Let’s start the performances already!

9:11: None of these people can dance like MJ. It’s a shame to have other people try and mimic that man.

9:13: Katy Perry singing Queen while accompanied by the Aerosmith guitarist? WTF is going on here?!

9:20: Did Russell Brand just say he wanted to make Gaga’s nubbin hard and hang his hat on it? Wow. Awful mental images. Wow wow wow. Vomit. Barf. Ew.

9:24: TAYLOR SWIFT BEAT BEYONCE!? I get that she’s adorable and great, but how does THAT video beat Single Ladies?! Do you know any dance moves from Taylor Swift? I don’t think so! But how many times have you done the Beyonce dance?!

Uh. Apparently Kanye agreed. WTF?! Has there been a year yet where he didn’t get up and say something incredibly stupid? Enough, Kanye. Oh and PS: your hair looks ridiculous.

9:30: Ok, I got some cake. And I’ve calmed down. Maybe Kanye would like some?

9:33: Does Russell Brand have a perm?

9:36: Green Day beats Coldplay. Clearly the MTV voting audience doesn’t recall ANY song that didn’t come out in the last month!

9:38: I wonder if Taylor Swift is enjoying the scent of urine in the NYC subway. Or if Kanye is gonna come out and knock her off the top of that cab.

9:48: Here comes GAGA! Looking like a freak, as always. What is this look? Madonna/Like a Virgin meets the Easter Bunny??

9:51: OMG. Why does it look like she just got her period!?

10:00: I will not comment on Lady Gaga’s latest outfit. I will not do it. (But if I were planning on it, I might liken this latest look to a dirty tampon.) That is all.

10:03: Kristin Cavillari and Nelly Furtado announce best pop vid. Figured Kristin can’t pronounce anything in Spanish. The girl can barely speak English.

10:04: Hey, Megan Fox: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ADAM BRODY. He’s mine, bitch.

10:10: Green Day may still be old, but those guys definitely know how to rock. The hairstyles could use a little help, though.

10:15: Falling. Asleep. Too much partying this weekend. Must stay awake for Beyonce. Drooling. Snore. So torn.

10:16: Oh lord. New Moon trailer. Girls around the world are wetting themselves. But I’m just fighting to care.

10:19: Chase Crawford. Now that’s a man I can get behind. Or under. Or on top of. Drool.

10:20: OMG. If I had moves like Beyonce (or her hair/body/voice/wardrobe), I most definitely would not be single right now.

10:22: I could never be one of the dancers in this video. My bikini line is just not clean enough for all these crotch flashes.

10:25: Beyonce just killed it. THIS is what the VMAs are supposed to be about.

And with that, I’m signing out. I’ve seen what I wanted to see and a whole lot of what I didn’t (like Gaga’s crotch up close and personal). Leave your comments below and we’ll discuss it all in the A.M.

Good night, CollegeCandies!