Duke It Out: What Is Cheating?

September 18, 2009 9:00 am     Posted in Reality, Relationships  Lauren H - The New School g+ page

cheating


By Lauren H

[It's pretty obvious that the average CollegeCandy reader has some very strong opinions. Opinions that she likes to share with everyone on the site. We love a strong woman, so we thought we'd give her a real forum to discuss her thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Every Friday I'll be featuring a hot topic (like coed rommmates!) and leaving it up to you, the readers, to duke it out. So, read it and get your debate on in the comments section below!]

Well, now that group sex is on the menu, it seems like a good time to clarify an age old debate – what is cheating? Some say it’s sex, others say kissing, still others say even thoughts can be cheating, so now it’s time to voice your vote ladies; in a world of committed threesomes, phone sex and the office wife, what really counts as cheating?

We’ve all heard the old “zip code” rule and it’s variants – “it doesn’t count if you’re not in the same zip code/state/country/bedroom” and I for one have never bought into it, but there might be some others that I would at least consider more forgivable. Level of alcohol, for instance, could definitely be a factor, and the same goes for drugs. Anything mind altering at least makes it slightly more reasonable that you didn’t know what you were doing.

But then, what were you doing? Sex? Sex would definitely cross my “cheater” line, regardless of who it was with, and I don’t buy that “oral/anal isn’t really sex” thing either. But what about making out? And how many kisses qualify as making out? Or is it just kissing, because I have certainly had some kisses where I was not a willing participant.

Then of course you get into the kinky sex idea – is a threesome cheating? How about swinging? If both parts of your relationship are willing partners, it doesn’t seem like it should count as cheating – but at the same time, I can’t say that I wouldn’t want to do this if I saw my guy with another woman (I admit, I’m the jealous type). But then, what if I was with another woman? If a girl who’s not inherently sexually attracted to women has an experimental night, is that cheating too? (Note: my BF says it’s OK as long as I video it. Thanks, honey.)

And what happens if there’s nothing physical? We’ve all heard the phrase “emotional affair” thrown around and the idea of the office wife is pretty common, so does non-physical cheating still count? It would be a lot harder to detect, and a lot harder to accuse someone of. In fact, an emotional affair, in a lot of ways, would be like having a best friend, except that there might be some potential for sexual attraction. At what point does a close, personal bond cross into cheating territory?

Ok, so I’ve posed a lot of ideas here – now it’s time for you to do the heavy-lifting. It’s time to tell the world what we really think cheating is. The horizontal mambo? A little tongue-hockey? Or is there something more to it altogether?  Duke it out, girls!

38 Comments on "Duke It Out: What Is Cheating?"

  1. TheBritishGuy says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 20094:07 am 

    lol god I can't wait for this one :P

  2. Sam says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 20094:09 am 

    I think cheating is kissing and anything past it, if you're in a committed relationship.

  3. Lauren - University says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 20095:25 am 

    There is totally such a thing as emotional cheating. It's definitely harder to define, but if you are dating someone and find yourself turning to other people to share your most intimate thoughts and secrets INSTEAD of your partner, something is wrong.

    And anyone who thinks that even kissing is OK is totally effed up. If it's a mistake and a one time thing, perhaps it can be forgiven, but that is STILL cheating.

  4. A says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 20096:35 am 

    Agreed, kissing is still cheating.

  5. H says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 20096:55 am 

    I agree with Sam & Lauren

  6. JohnE says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 20097:23 am 

    Cheatign is whatever you and you partner decide it is. Every relationship will have some limits. You just need to decide what they are and clearly communicate them. Just be prepared to have them put on you as well.

  7. Maggie says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 20097:36 am 

    I forgot where I read this, but basically, I think that if you're doing something with someone else that you would get mad at your significant other for doing, it's cheating.

  8. H says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 20097:57 am 

    I've heard a similar saying Maggies, but it was "If you're doing something with someone that you wouldn't do in front of your S.O., it's cheating"..they both make sense to me

  9. Jenny says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 20098:27 am 

    I agree with Maggie and H.

  10. Callie Mitchell says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 20098:47 am 

    It's been my experience that emotional cheating is much more painful than physical cheating. I've been cheated on both ways, so this isn't a one-sided argument. Cheating sucks, period.

    While physical cheating does hurt, physicality isn't the crux of a serious relationship. If you're in a relationship and committed, you share everything, your most intimate thoughts, feelings, goals, everything. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. To find that your significant other is sharing those most intimate things with another person is intensely painful and feels like a serious betrayal.

    And not only is emotional cheating just conversation, it's usually a way to lead someone on. My ex had a host of "emotional girlfriends" for the two years we dated, all of whom would have been physical with him in a heartbeat (somehow he had the morals to not do that). It wasn't just the fact that he was close friends with them – it was the fact that he knew they had crushes on him, and he chose to lead them on and pretend nothing was going on.

  11. Casey says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 200912:08 pm 

    I agree with Maggie and H. If there is a shred of doubt that crosses your mind as to whether something you're doing is ok or not, then most likely, it's not. If you wouldn't do it in front of your S.O. then it isn't ok, because that means you're hiding something from them, which is lying. And if it's something you wouldn't want them to do to you, well, they probably feel the same way.

    The "emotional affair" is tricky though. Some people (like me) have a really close best friend of the opposite sex. In theory we would all like to think we'd be ok if out S.O.'s had a best friend of the opposite sex, because it means we can look past things like gender and accept people for people. But the reality is we aren't ok with it. For some reason we can't grasp the idea that a guy and a girl can just be platonic friends.

    But then there's the idea that your S.O. is supposed to be your best friend, so if your S.O. has a best friend of the opposite sex does that mean they are really your S.O. or the best friends S.O? But then where does that leave same sex best friends? And if same sex best friends don't factor into this rule then we're back at the idea that a guy and a girl can't just be platonic friends.

  12. R says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 20091:26 pm 

    I think if you wouldn't do it with a guy in front of your S.O. then you shouldn't. Although… this is weird.. I also find that if my BF watched porn then I would consider that cheating to an extent.. its basically looking at another woman naked.. you wouldn't do it in real life, so if its on the tv/internet/magazine then why is it different? Thank God my BF doesn't watch porn. I know.. that is a little off topic but I consider it cheating!

  13. Tillywilly says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 20091:58 pm 

    I think the whole sexual thoughts with anyone else other than the partner is ruddy stupid. Who really cares?

    Does groping count?

    :/

  14. Daniel says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 20093:27 pm 

    CHEATING IS CHEATING, PERIOD! Anytime you you take away physical or emotional energy from your partner to some one else, you are cheating, even if it's just sitting down and having lunch and talking, some one in the pair knows it's wrong and the motives are screwed up. Wake up people! My wife and I don't have ANY SINGLE or UNATTACHED friends of the opposite sex for this reason, duh!

  15. TheBritishGuy says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 20098:07 pm 

    I think Maggie hit the nail on the head with her comments. Thats a pretty simple and very smart way of breaking down the subject.

    I'm surprised nobody mentioned in it any lenght but I've always though the problem when it came to "cheating" was flirting.

    Most people know when they cross the line because they are doing something they wouldn't tell their significant other about.

    Flirting on the other hand is a bit of an issue because everybody has their own definition of it. It doesn't help when sometimes being polite or nice to somebody can get you knee deep into a conversation.

    Maybe I am just dating the wrong kind of girls but it seems very hard juggling your responsibilities when you are never sure where having a friendly conversation ends and where flirting begins.

    Feel free to attack lol.

  16. D. says:
    Fri, 18th Sep 200910:45 pm 

    Maggie nails it for me. I'm not much into monogamy, but I'm also not comfortable with PDA…So my partner could do something I wouldn't want to see without my counting it as cheating.

  17. Ken Kendall says:
    Sat, 19th Sep 20098:24 am 

    It seems that more of you agree than disagree. Anything that your S.O. does that he would not do in front of you is cheating. If it hurts you. It's cheating.

    Why settle for someone that is not totally committed to you and you alone. Even if he is ONLY flirting with another girl, he is not committed to you.

    Set high standards for your man. Than be willing to keep to those same standard for yourself.

    http://whatsheneedsfromyou.wordpress.com

  18. Su says:
    Sat, 19th Sep 20099:34 am 

    Cheating is giving someone who is not your S.O. the same attention (emotional or physical) as the person you are in a relationship with.

  19. Darwin says:
    Sat, 19th Sep 20092:44 pm 

    Don't do what you don't want to have done to you. You just have to think of it from the your partner's perspective.

    "Hm, would I be cool with her dancing like this with another guy?" Then maybe you shouldn't be grinding up against that girl.

    "How would I feel she kept thinking about this guy in her class instead of me?" Then maybe you should get some blinders, like a horse, and stop gawking at that cute redhead that sits two rows ahead of you in the lecture hall.

    It should be a mutual understanding with no double standards for either partner. And if all this is vague and you're unsure what's safe or not, then a serious conversation needs to be had.

  20. Mel says:
    Sun, 20th Sep 20099:28 am 

    If my significant other is doing anything (not including sex) that they don't tell me about, it's cheating. As far as kissing goes, if they come up to me and are honest saying something along the lines of "Something happened last night; I kissed someone [blah]," then I would give them the benefit of the doubt the FIRST time (and maybe a second if they were drunk-attacked by some girl. I've seen it, therefore I would believe it. XD), but if it becomes a common thing (uh… "three strikes you're out, anyone?), then it's cheating and I would call it quits.

    I wouldn't want to be with anyone that doesn't respect me enough to be honest with me about something big like that. Sex is an automatic "peace-out, homedawg" for me.

  21. Mariah says:
    Tue, 22nd Sep 20092:03 am 

    wow…I expected more of an argument…

    There's a guy I work with that got married this year. Every time a girl walks into our store, he grits his teeth and says, "I gotta remember I'm married." That alone would piss me off. In my opinion, the person you're with should be THE most attractive person, in your eyes. I often don't even remember what a male customer looks like moments after he walks away from me, because when I fell in love, no other man mattered anymore. Therefore, if I was to notice a man, notice the way his hair fell in his face, or the color of his eyes, that would worry me, and I would feel just as bad as if I had cheated.

    But, as JohnE said, it's a boundary that has to be decided on in each individual relationship.

  22. mollination says:
    Tue, 22nd Sep 20098:30 am 

    I think kissing and everything above is cheating, but everyone has their line for what they'll put up with.

    Scenario #1) My BF and I were both friends with a very sexual girl who we had both kissed in the past (I don't like girls – I just did it. Oh well.) For some reason, it didn't bother me when we all got drunk and they kissed when I was right there and we were all getting a little too sexual innuendo-y. Maybe because I was right there and I knew him and I were committed.

    Scenario #2) I met this guy when all my friends (including my BF) were up at a friend's cabin and the sexual tension between this guy and I was unbearable (for EVERYone). We walked outside alone together and kissed….. my boyfriend and I are not dating anymore.

    Same act – but I totally get why mine was "cheating". Hope I didn't rile anyone up.

  23. Darwin says:
    Tue, 22nd Sep 20092:15 pm 

    Scenario #1: Either a threesome happened that night or you couldn't tell those two were asking for you join in.

  24. Lynne says:
    Wed, 23rd Sep 20098:36 am 

    To me cheating is having any sort of intimate relationship with someone else, emotionally or physically. Physically includes kissing and everything beyond. Emotionally includes lusting, loving, and everything above that.

    I want my man to only have eyes for me, and I will return the same loyalty.

  25. sal says:
    Thu, 24th Sep 20095:11 am 

    Cheating is not crossing the line (violation), nor is it breaking the rule. Cheating is an intentional and controlled violation and purposeful breaking of the rule. It has levels. Like not every crime is a murder, not every act of straying is cheating. You gotta remember "to err is human". watching a hot girl on TV, feeling aroused by her, giving urself pleasure thinking abt her, Calling her up, becoming her most intimate friend, kissing her, having sex with her, and meeting her every night. all of the above comma separated phrases are cheating, but not all are equally bad. I guess most of the guys on this board are atleast guilty of the first two. And again being persuaded, forced and coerced into intimacy is not cheating… its called coercion or sometime rape. So dont ever define a act of friendship or romance outside a relationship as cheating… it might be out of control and not in control…. cheating is not just an act of violation, infidelity is not just an act out of ignorance.

  26. sal says:
    Thu, 24th Sep 20099:37 am 

    I think its cheating only when there is a level of mutual agreement. For instance if a guy starts pushing himself onto a gal and despite her initial refusal manages to get a kiss from her…. is that cheating. Many of you gals might have experienced this…some good (seemingly) friend of urs tries to twist the relationship. You tell him no but he persists and then u might give in out of pressure to a kiss… I agree if it continues beyond a kiss to something lengthy and happy then its cheating.

  27. Lynne says:
    Thu, 24th Sep 20092:06 pm 

    I also would have to agree with if my boyfriend watched porn or even a movie with a lot of nudity, I would feel cheated on. I actually care about the sacredness of a body and who I want to share mine with. Thankfully, my long term boyfriend feels the same about the issue, or this relationship wouldn't have lasted.

  28. cosmicpixie says:
    Fri, 25th Sep 20092:36 pm 

    I've been with my fiance for 5 years now and recently found out that he's been going to a coffee shoppe during his shifts at work and has been getting free coffee and lunch from a couple of the barristas that work there. One of the barristas asked him out a few months back and he told her that he was in a committed relationship. So my question is…why is he still going there? Free food and drink? Ugh…I feel like he is emotionally cheating on me even though he insists these barristas know he's not available.

    Is this innocent flirting? Is he running back up? Or is he just boosting his ego by going there?

    And to make matters even worse, my fiance's brother is now dating one of the barristas and now I have to see them at family functions! I am in such an awkward situation here. Do I have a right to be pissed at my fiance????

  29. чимчим says:
    Fri, 27th Nov 20096:13 am 

    Просто замечательно – очень интересные мысли. Разжевано специально для меня :)

  30. Katie says:
    Mon, 7th Dec 20091:01 pm 

    Personally, i think that all of the above is cheating. From watching other naked people, going to strip clubs, emotionally cheating, cyber sex, physical cheating and all of that BS. If you're in a commited relationship, then why would you want to do any of the above. If your tempted by something else, surely you can't want the person you're with that much. Even comments about it and whistling in the street is unacceptable. Meeting someone in a bar and flirting is making yourself available to risk. I get so paranoid now by my boyfriend even glancing at other girls because he's cheated before. If he's been able to do it before to me, then why not again.

  31. courtney says:
    Wed, 1st Sep 20108:11 am 

    I think cheating is anything you wouldn't do in front of your significant other.

  32. Michaelad567 says:
    Sun, 28th Nov 20107:28 pm 

    If you wouldn't do it in front of your significant other it's cheating. Period.

  33. knockerccd says:
    Sun, 12th Dec 201010:31 pm 

    If I was going around ladies that lusted after me and it made my fiance feel uncomfortable or even hurt I would get my coffee from somewhere else to ease her justifiably hurting conscience. Pixie just make sure your doing the same for him, because we do reap what we sow. And I don't want you or him getting hurt, because I know it can be very painful. Take care.

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