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Single. And My “Ex” Isn’t
September 18, 2009 Posted in Advice, Relationships
"Oh, you have a girlfriend now? Awesome."
Fact: 100% of girls, always, look like complete sh*t at the gym. While I’m the exception to many rules, I am not the exception to this one. So you can imagine my horror, my utter horror, when I ran into a guy I used to date at the gym yesterday.
[To recap: we casually dated for about three months, during which we completely acted like a couple, but were not labeled as such. Why? Because he “doesn’t believe in relationships.”]
I asked him how he was doing, and he said school was good, blah blah blah, his girlfriend just got a new job, blah blah blah…WAIT WHAT?! Girlfriend? But…but when we were dating he said he didn’t believe in relationships! That monogamy was a sham! That labels ruined things!
My initial reactions were:
1) Jack him in the face.
2) Wait, you can’t throw a punch. Kick him in the balls.
3) Why was I not girlfriend material?
Let’s call it for what it is. There is no way in which this situation is not completely depressing. This is a person who snuggled with me, took me to dinner, told me how pretty I was, told me how smart I was, and still told me he didn’t want me to be his girlfriend. And now, just a few short months later, someone was his girlfriend someone was good enough to be his girlfriend.
And of course in my head I’m just thinking of the 10,000 ways she has to be better than me. She probably doesn’t have cellulite. She probably doesn’t have an annoying horse laugh. She probably looks like Heidi Klum, and sweats Chanel No. 5, and is as brilliant as Marie Curie, and doesn’t use run on sentences.
Since he and I stopped seeing each other, I can honestly say I’ve gotten over him. But it still hurts to find out that Mr. Non-Committal is suddenly Mr. Monogamy for someone else. And realistically I know I can’t completely blame myself…we were just two people who didn’t exactly have that connection. And now he does have that connection. With someone who is not me. Okay, I tried, but it’s not working; I’m still blaming myself!
Also running through me head is: how could I have been so STUPID? “I don’t believe in commitment?” I mean, it is one thing to take things easy and not rush the relationship, but he was flat out telling me that he never, ever intended on me being his girlfriend. He might as well have literally told me, “You are fine to spend time with until I like somebody better.”
Ultimately, I accepted someone else’s terms instead of what I really wanted. So while I won’t get all Alanis on his ass, I’m going to go ahead and say Commitment-phobic is a jackass. Way to pretend you have deeply rooted morals just to avoid growing some balls and telling the truth.
Still, I wish I had been wearing makeup and a better bra when I saw him…
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Liz says:
Fri, 18th Sep 200912:53 pm
I have a similiar situation: a guy that I was seeing last year for 3 months told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship and just wanted to have fun. Well now he's had a girlfriend for almost an entire year and I wake up everyday wondering why I wasn't good enough for him. Your lucky though that you've only run into him once, I work with the guys sister and my brother is his best friend so I got to find out about it all the moment he hooked up with her (not even a month after me).
Allison says:
Fri, 18th Sep 20091:15 pm
Hey! Don't pull a Cosmo here and discredit your sex! I look darn good in the gym, and I'm sure somebody thinks you do too! As for the guy, why should you care about what he's doing? Even focusing on him or writing this article isn't going to make you feel good or help your confidence!
Love from me, and your readers!
bystander says:
Fri, 18th Sep 20091:20 pm
Maybe he doesn't call this new person girlfriend to her face either. Maybe he refers to you as an ex-girlfriend now. Maybe he's just making sure he has located the safety exits before the plane takes off.
It sounds just as possible that he tried to protect your feelings and/or his own, as it is possible that he is a manipulative dick.
shari says:
Fri, 18th Sep 20091:54 pm
oh man i was in the same exact non-commital situation with a guy for almost two years and now he has a girlfriend and it really hurts!
Kelly - Simmons Coll says:
Fri, 18th Sep 20092:12 pm
I have a theory that guys don't tend to meet the right the girl and decide they want a relationship; they decide they want a relationship and then meet the right girl. Maybe he really didn't want a relationship when he was with you, but not for any reason having to do with you.
Ang says:
Fri, 18th Sep 20096:25 pm
Same situation. It sucks. I'm sorry, girl. <3
erica says:
Sat, 19th Sep 20099:03 am
Kelly I like your take on things. Made me feel a little better. At least we're not alone, girlss.
Dannia- Loyola Unive says:
Sat, 19th Sep 200911:13 am
Kelly, I love that outlook. I'm totally gonna go with that!
bella says:
Sat, 19th Sep 200912:51 pm
omg, I know exactly how you feeel! its always like that. thats why i say, always look good, anywhere you go, even if you step outside for a few minutes, you never know when you run into prince charming, or an ex!
happened to me yesterday, i was about to walk out the door looking like crap (because i was feeling like crap) but last minute, i decided to put more effort, lucky for me, i ended up bumping into an ex i havent seen in a year! hah!
anyway darling, I'm sure your just being paranoid and probably looked hot! and you never know, maybe he was just being a dick and called her "girlfriend" but maybe she aint..
dont sweat it, your worth it for some other dude..
Darwin says:
Sat, 19th Sep 20092:27 pm
I agree with Kelly that it could be that case, but I might also want to play devil's advocate and use the lesson from "He's Just Not That Into You." Maybe he was being an ass. Maybe he was trying to figure things out about relationships at that point.
In the end, don't dwell on it too much. He was in your past, he moved on. And don't stress, you probably look fine at the gym. Now you go get it girl!
Elise says:
Tue, 22nd Sep 20096:43 pm
You sound completely commitment worthy, but sometimes sparks just aren't there. It sounds like you weren't feeling them either, but still… it sucks to spend a lot of time with someone and have them NOT fall in love with you. That always pisses me off:) Anyway, to play devil's advocate like Darwin, Mr. Recent Monogamy may have genuinely not believed in labels at that time in his life. Sometimes getting smitten completely changes your perspective on what you want out of your relationships. I realize I basically just gave you a third party "It's not you, it's me" line:)
p.s. the sweating Chanel no. 5 comment was hilarious.
Ken Kendall says:
Fri, 25th Sep 200912:07 pm
I think some of you hit it on the head. Sometimes there just isn't the chemistry between two good people.
The other option is that he isn't a very good guy anyway. Either way your better off.
Keep looking for the right man. But be clear on what you are looking for so you know when you find it. Don't settle.
Any great guy should be willing to treat you amazing. That is what I keep writing about at http://whatsheneedsfromyou.wordpress.com
Keep reading girls.