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Tuffy Luv Expects Investments To Pay Out
September 22, 2009 Posted in Uncategorized
"I swear, I wasn't cheating on you."
Need some advice? Ask nicely and I’ll hook you up. Email me at tuffyluv@collegecandy.com and I’ll get back to you on the fly.
Dear Tuffy Luv,
Please respond! I’m in a rough spot.
Also, this is a very long story.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years. We love each other very much and he is my best friend, but we have had a lot of trust issues. It all started close to a year into our relationship. I went over to his apartment one evening to hang out and he was watching football so I sat down at his computer to entertain myself with the internet. I wasn’t snooping but something in an open AIM window caught my eye. The last line of the conversation read “Wait don’t you have a girlfriend?” So being curious I read the rest of the convo. To sum the whole thing up, this chick (who he had been trying to set his good friend up with) was flirting with him and he said ” If I were to go there, or you were to come here, we would hook up. Don’t pretend like it wouldn’t happen.” And she pretty much agreed.
So after reading this I confronted him. He said that in the process of trying to hook his friend up with her, the girl developed feelings for my boyfriend and he just didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I told him that he needed to be honest with her and tell her that he has a girlfriend and nothing was going to happen between them. I made him show me the AIM conversation in which he said this to her.
Understandably, after this incident I became intensely paranoid. So, I stole his Myspace password. Not only his Myspace password but Facebook, Yahoo, and Gmail. I know that that’s really horrible but I didn’t know what else to do because I really didn’t want to break up with him but I didn’t feel I could trust him. Everything had been fine until twice in the past month or two the girl that originally set this whole thing into motion has sent naked pictures to his Gmail.
I’m pretty much fed up with this stuff but I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to confront him about all of this. I feel just as guilty as him because of my dishonesty with stealing his PWs. Even though I know it might be the right thing to do, I don’t want to break up with him. I have invested so much in this relationship. He really is my best friend. But trust is a key component in a relationship and I think ours has been so badly damaged it can’t ever be repaired. How do I admit to my dishonesty and is there any way to repair this? Please help.
Thanks,
Lost
Dear Lost,
Dump his lying a** and get yourself someone who doesn’t completely suck.
Look, there’s no way to fix this. He’s being completely dishonest with you, and, as you know, you’re being dishonest with him. I really doubt there’s any way back from this.
And why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone like this guy? You say you guys are best friends, but this is not a friend, honey. This is a man who flirts with other women online and accepts nude photos. If he’s doing it online, he’s doing it in person. If he hasn’t cheated on you yet (which, to be honest, I’m pretty sure he has), he’ll be doing as soon as he gets up the nerve.
You were definitely wrong to get his passwords and to look at his private information. This is not the way to have a relationship and I recommend you don’t do it in your next one.
But he was DEFINITELY wrong to carry on online relationships with these women. And he’s made no effort to stop, either! That’s the part that really grinds Tuffy’s gears. He makes up really lame excuses and then keeps right on.
Dump him, girl. He is not worth your time. This is not an investment. This is a dud.
Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv
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Liz says:
Tue, 22nd Sep 20098:12 am
I hope this girl follows the advice given to her. What is a relationship without trust?
Fox says:
Tue, 22nd Sep 20099:28 am
Wait wait wait wait wait.
Don't jump the gun.
He was telling the girl they shouldn't meet up cause they might hook up, and he told her it wasn't going to happen. He acted fairly responsibly. He didn't want you to find out about it, and that might annoy you a bit, but is it really that big a deal?
His next offense was her sending her naked photo's.
Are you seeing the problem?
Why are we punishing him for her actions? She could've done that all by herself, and unless he replied to the photo's enthusiastically, then what exactly has he done wrong here?!
Be fair.
Darwin says:
Tue, 22nd Sep 200910:20 am
I agree with Fox. We all hit spots of paranoia and distrust, but that doesn't mean you should ruin and end a long fulfilling relationship over.
He was 100% in the wrong to possibly flirt around online, but imagine the worser scenarios. Flirting in public/reality? Touching a girl inappropriately? Kissing a girl? Or possibly emotionally cheating and speaking as if he were over you and wanted this girl instead?
He had done nothing even close these things. You were in the wrong to stalk his stuff. Be honest with him about whether you trust him. If you really can't do that, then I don't think that's a healthy relationship. Just be honest no matter now hard it might be for you. He should try as hard as he can to regain your trust.
Lauren says:
Tue, 22nd Sep 200910:32 am
You are both typical American males. Yes it is wrong to snoop, but you are both turning around the blame and placing it on the girl, focusing on how SHE is doing wrong and how it is HER problem. This fool is not even man enough to admit he is in a relationship in the first place. How about being mature and NOT talking to this girl in the first place (I guess you want to hook your buddy up with some stranger that sends naked pictures around).
You must break up with this jerk ASAP!
Casey says:
Tue, 22nd Sep 200910:37 am
I agree with Fox. Now, we don't know the whole situation, the letter from "lost" didn't say if she found any replies to the photo's or not. But if she didn't then I don't think it's really the guys fault. I've been stuck in a situation where I was in a relationship and a male friend came on to me, and so I didn't hurt his feelings I said something similar to what "lost's" boyfriend said. It's not the way to handle it of course, he (and I) should have said "Sorry, I have a girlfriend/ boyfriend, I don't want to lead you on." But that is easier said than done.
If I was lost, I would confront my boyfriend about it. Say, "I know it was wrong, but I looked at your e-mail and found the pictures so-and-so sent you. I know It's not your fault that another person sent you naked photo's, but you also didn't tell me about them, and being in a relationship, especially for 2 1/2 years, I would expect a little honesty from you. If there's something going on between the two of you, and since you concealed the fact that she sent you pictures, I suspect something is, then you need to be honest with me. If you want to be with her, fine, we’ll break up and you can be with her. If there’s nothing going on then you need to cut all contact with her, stop leading her on, and we need to put our relationship into perspective because either way, we have an issue.”
You can’t automatically say that he’s cheating, or is going to cheat. But there is a problem, and the relationship is probably over. Just because you’ve invested so much time, doesn’t mean you should try and make it work, because if this is happening it’s probably not going to work and you don’t want to invest even more time just to wind up getting hurt, say, 5 years into it. It’s best to loose those 2 ½ years than to loose even more time.
Casey says:
Tue, 22nd Sep 200910:45 am
Oh but besides that I would probably hunt down the cunt that's flirting with my (probably ex) boyfriend and beat some sense into her. She KNOWS that the guy is in a relationship and yet she's still going to send him naked pictures/ flirt incessantly. Uh can we say BITCH?! I'm not saying he might not be wrong (we really don't know for sure there's not much detail about his interactions with the girl) but she knows what she's doing and deserves to get the shit beat out of her. (sorry, but man stealing hussies are like my biggest pet peeve)
max777 says:
Tue, 22nd Sep 200911:22 am
Why wouldn't he delete the pictures and not accept this other girl's e-mails? He likes the attention and after that comes temptation. If he really loved her, he wouldn't have anything to do with this HO!
Darwin says:
Tue, 22nd Sep 20092:05 pm
Casey- I don't really like the idea of going after the girl over this. In the end, it's up the guy. It's his job to be an independent person and to keep a distance from her if she tries to make advances. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to do anything. It's his responsibility as a boyfriend.
And if he does end up responding to her advances, then again, it's his fault. He's the one being a douchebag cheater.
Liz- I agree, the trust issue is really important. However, I just don't like some of the commentators pushing the make the quick rash decision of just getting out. She hasn't confronted him over this and really figured out if she can trust him in the end.
Liz says:
Tue, 22nd Sep 20094:24 pm
I don’t see why it even matters who is at fault. She still doesn’t trust him after 2 1/2 years to the point she has to snoop around behind his back. That’s pretty evident of something not working. Why settle for something? Trust is everything in a relationship and I can’t just understand staying with someone when you don’t trust them.
Gwenivere says:
Tue, 22nd Sep 20093:30 pm
I have to agree with the people like Casey who say "don't jump the gun". Both of you need to have an honest conversation with eachother first. He needs to admit how far he has taken this and you need to admit that you have been snooping in his stuff. After it's all laid out on the table, then you can decide where you want to go from there.
I also have to agree that you don't know FOR SURE that he has even done anything physical with this girl. Maybe he is a big talker online because he feels it's far away and he can become a different persona. I am not saying that this is acceptable, just that it doesn't automatically mean he's slept with her.
Casey says:
Wed, 23rd Sep 20097:42 pm
Darwin, The girl KNOWS he has a girlfriend. Yes, e makes his own decisions, but so does she, and what she is doing is WRONG! Straight up! We don't know if the guy is doing anything wrong, but we sure as hell know the girl is. That's why I'd go after her. If I found out he was cheating, or intended to, I'd dump his sorry ass. But I HATE girls who try and steal other girls men. GO FIND YOUR OWN BITCH!
Why does the "other woman" never get any of the blame? She's just as much in the wrong when she knows she's going after a taken guy (ugh, just the thought of these types of girls makes me sick to my stomach)
B says:
Thu, 24th Sep 20095:42 pm
my advice… just post those pics on the world wide web. bahaha. sure beats hunting her down and beating her like casey suggested
although that would be fun too…
i know, i sound like a bitch but she deserves it.
Casey says:
Thu, 24th Sep 20096:18 pm
Oh snap! (haha, I've never used that phrase before, and for good reason) I didn't even think about that B. But I like it! lol
Ken Kendall says:
Thu, 1st Oct 200912:37 pm
No doubt. This guy knew better and didn't care. You didn't matter enough to him. And you don't matter enough to yourself to end a relationship with a jerk immediately. If you allow guys to treat you like crap they will.
Don't settle for guys like this. Date real men that could end up being real husbands. Read about what real men do for great women at http://whatsheneedsfromyou.wordpress.com
Thanks,
elle says:
Sat, 3rd Oct 20094:42 am
yup they 2 dont deserve each other becoz they both lie (or actually they both DO deserve each other as they are both similar?)
Darwin - New York Un says:
Sat, 3rd Oct 20093:11 pm
I think the important thing to look at is why she's such a bad girlfriend that he needs to find someone else. She should've been a better girlfriend and maybe spread her legs a bit more so that he doesn't have to look around elsewhere.