This Little Piggy Isn’t Gettin’ The Flu
September 23, 2009 Posted in Reality
My top contender for Halloween costume this year is “The Swine Flu.” Who knew dressing up as a pig could be so dangerous? But in all seriousness, swine flu is still among us, and no matter what your college is doing to protect you (read: installing bottles of antibacterial everywhere), we must protect ourselves.
Here are ten tips students should heed when battling the Swine Flu.
10. Let’s take a look on the bright side. Swine flu is giving you a reason to avoid those all-nighters in the library. The best way to stay healthy is to get a good night’s sleep. Exhaustion will weaken your immune system. So if you happen to opt for sleep instead of a problem set, never fear. When you’re teacher asks where your homework is, just say the swine flu ate it.
9. Wash your hands frequently. I never leave the house without a bottle of Purell, and these days I’m getting stingy with sharing it. Hygiene is key. If you can’t take the flu, stay out of the pig’s pen.
8. If you feel sick, stay home! You’re not going to impress the hottie in your Bio class if you come into Lab looking like death warmed over. You’ll be labeled the Swine-Spreader and there goes your good reputation. Next thing you know, you’ll be have to eat your lunch with the Mono-Makeout Slut.
7. Speaking of makeout sluts… Now’s a good time to get your urge to kiss under wraps. Kissing may be like a handshake for you, but you’re going to be exchanging more than a hello with this swap of spit. The Swine Flu is sneaky and it’s looking to sow its wild oats. It will wait for you to put your beer goggles on and then it’ll plant a wet and germy one right on your lips. Beware.
6. Contain your cough, for your mother’s sake! This should be obvious. The basic rules of etiquette have preached the hand-over-cough move for years, but now we’ve got to take it seriously. Make your mama proud and swine flu-free!
5. While Mexico may be a popular spring break destination, perhaps you may want to rethink that trip to the Oasis Cancun this year. Mexico + Spring Break debauchery = breeding ground for Swine Flu. Even I can do that math.
4. Got an iPhone? Download the Swine Flu Tracker, created by IntuApps, and successfully avoid areas with high threat levels. Yes, there’s even an app for that.
3. Retire from beer pong. Winning the game with an around-the-back bounce shot deserves a trophy, not the flu. But that’s what you’ll get when you’re drinking from the same solo cup as 15 people before you. Even if you can’t resist Beirut’s siren call, at least play with water cups and drink from your own beer can. This way you can maintain your frat-star skills and stay healthy at the same time.
2. If things around you are getting dire, and your peers are dropping like…. swine, you might think about investing in this flu-season’s latest fashion. The decorative face mask. Get em’ while they’re hot!
1. Eat an apple a day. Just in case.
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Angie Marie says:
Wed, 23rd Sep 20091:44 pm
haha cute article! enjoyed!
Bunny says:
Fri, 25th Sep 20092:45 pm
I've had it. It was just like the 'flu (not, not a common cold…way different). Everybodys bought into this media thing.
Just fucking deal, as you would with every illness.
It's not a mutation of the septacaemic plague, for fucks sake!
diego says:
Fri, 2nd Oct 20098:50 pm
get your facts straight the US has nearly three times more confirmed deaths than mexico, so you are as f***ed as we are "even i can do the math"
mollination says:
Sat, 17th Oct 20099:44 am
There's some really good, SPECIFIC, tips that no one is talking about.
Gargle salt water – Swine flu can only be contracted and proliferated through your mouth, nose, and throat. Gargling salt water isn't just an old wives trick. It really does sanitize your mouth the way purell does your hands.
Swallow warm liquids – preferably salt water: When you swallow warm/hot liquids it washes the bacteria living in your throat down to your stomach where it can't survive.
Swab your nose every night – again, I know it's getting tired, but soak a cotton swab in warm salt water and swab the inside of your nose.
These tips came directly from a doctor. Even if you don't believe me, as it's second-hand (I am clearly not a doctor), none of these can hurt you. So please – no hateful follow up comments. I'm trying to help. It's starting to get scary to even offer advice on the internet.