Coupled. Oh How I Hate the Fighting

September 24, 2009 Posted in Relationships

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You know, when you decide to live with a guy all you can think about is the good things. Like how you can go home to him after a long day at school, how you don’t have to walk a mile to his dorm just to see him, how you’ll never have to do the Walk of Shame again, etc. But then you move in… and things are great for awhile…until the fights break out.

No couple is perfect. Someone in a committed relationship either is lying or has some miracle drug if they say that they never fight with their partner. It’s a normal thing, but sometimes it can get ugly. And by ”sometimes” I mean “when you live with that person and can’t get away.”

Matt and I have had our fair share of fights, and usually it all starts because something small bothers us. And then we let it fester until it becomes one huge thing. Then all hell breaks loose! Even worse is that we’re both really stubborn people so it takes forever for either of us to apologize. That wasn’t such a big deal when we could just go to our respective homes to cool off, but now there’s nowhere to go. And that just makes everything worse.

I’ll admit, sometimes I think that maybe we shouldn’t have moved in together so soon in our lives. There are days when he can get on my nerves. And there are days when I want to pick up the nearest lamp and throw it at him. The fighting is just magnified when you’re sharing a space with your significant other. You react more strongly and say more hurtful things.

But once the dust storm settles, I realize that a lot of what we say when we fight isn’t really true. I don’t really hate him. I don’t really want to break up. And I really don’t want to throw a lamp at his head.

I remember my dad telling me a few months ago that dating is the easy part. (My parents have been married 30 years, so I’m usually very attentive when one of them doles out relationship advice. I mean, they’ve known each other since 8th grade!) My dad told me that a committed relationship is based on love, but it needs more than that to survive. It needs compromise and trust, especially when things get really serious – otherwise all of that love doesn’t amount to much.

So whenever things start to bother me, I just remember what my dad said about compromise. I make sacrifices to make my relationship work, and I know Matt does the same. Whenever he forgets to do the dishes after I ask him to, I don’t mumble to myself and hold in my anger until I scream; I ask him to do another chore instead. And we’re both getting better about telling one another what little things bother us so accidentally leaving the A/C on doesn’t turn into World War 3/one of us sleeping on the street.

We’re definitely still going to fight (trust me on that one), but it’s little things like this that are helping to make our apartment a peaceful place. No relationship is free of fights, but if everyone gives a little bit they can be free of the little-turned-blowout ones.

4166813 CommentsCoupled.+Oh+How+I+Hate+the+Fighting2009-09-24+21%3A00%3A52Sarabeth+-+University+of+Texas on "Coupled. Oh How I Hate the Fighting"

Casey says:
Thu, 24th Sep 20093:05 pm

Ah, so true. Fighting is definitely a part of any long term relationship. And you're right, it is magnified when you live together. This is a great article full of great advice and a very realistic part of relationships. I think a lot of people don't realize that fighting is ok, and they end the relationship because of a few blow ups that they think is either them "growing apart" or not normal for a healthy relationship. However, the growing apart happens when you have too many of these fights and don't do anything to learn and grow from them. The fights are ok, it's what happens after the fact that determines if the relationship is worth it or not. If you're constantly having fights about the same thing and it's never resolved then you have a problem, but if you take your fights as learning experiences about your partner and actually listen to them and try and find a solution to the problem, together, then you've learned, and grown, and more importantly, made your relationship stronger.

Another great post Sarabeth! Keep it up!

ali says:
Fri, 25th Sep 200911:55 pm

I'm curious as to how long it will be before the two of you split. Keep me posted!

Casey says:
Sat, 26th Sep 20098:52 am

And Ali, why do you think they will "split". Just because you have no faith in relationships doesn't mean every relationship is going to eventually fail.

Laura says:
Mon, 28th Sep 20091:38 pm

college is too damn early to start living togther! i feel like couples who do that really miss out on a lot of college expirences!

Casey says:
Mon, 28th Sep 20092:10 pm

Laura, And what if you don't want those "college experiences"? What if you got enough "college experience" your first semester and then grew out of it? THEN is it too early to start living together? (that's a rhetorical question) honestly, I don't give a shit what position you hold on the topic of "college relationships" because you're not living in my shoes, or the authors shoes, and YOU can get all the "college experience" you want. WE DON"T WANT IT! We WANT to grow up and move on with our lives and not be stuck in an immature world of getting drunk, partying, and hooking up. Been there, done that, moving on.

Nora says:
Mon, 28th Sep 20095:43 pm

Laura, I agree with you. There's a lot going on in college, and moving in together is a big step, especially when a lot of people don't know what exactly they want in life at the point in time.

Some relationships/people can handle it, some can't.

Casey – hey chica, chill! Laura's just saying that she thinks it's too early, you don't have to be scathing. Not all of us who want "the college experience" are partying and drinking or hooking up with random people. I've been with my guy for 3 years, and as a junior in college, I still want to do my own thing and have my own place before shackin' up with my man. Some of us are pretty grown up, and decided whether to move in, or knowing that you're not ready to move in together is a very grown up decision.

Casey says:
Mon, 28th Sep 20097:19 pm

My bad, I must not have deciphered between "moving in together" and "being in a relationship", I assumed she meant the later. But I also assumed she was talking about drinking, partying, and hooking up, as the "college experiences" we'd be missing out on. So, I guess next time I shouldn't assume so much. Sorry!

Ken Kendall says:
Thu, 1st Oct 200912:48 pm

I have to say, my wife and I rarely fight. The truth is, love is not a feeling. It is an action. It's a verb. You have to do the work.

http://whatsheneedsfromyou.wordpress.com

Ken

Sabrina says:
Sat, 3rd Oct 200911:24 pm

Mandy – Maybe if you got some, you wouldn't be so pissed.

P.S. – "Judge not lest ye be judged" Leave the judging to God. Unless God's name is Mandy. Oh wait, that's a stripper's name. (Mandy).

creativmnd says:
Sun, 4th Oct 20096:43 am

I am through it. Its a good article though. I hope that helps!

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