Average Sex: Everybody’s Doing It

couple sexMy mother (yes, my mother) once told me that if there aren’t fireworks between the sheets, it’s just not meant to be.  I immediately dismissed this advice, partly because it meant my menopausal mother was having better sex with my overweight father than I was with my supposedly sexually prime bedmate. But mostly, I rejected this theory because I didn’t, and still don’t, think its entirely true.

Sex – the good, the bad, and the ugly – where does it all fit in?

We make such a big deal about sex. It consumes us.  We lie about sex – we say we’re having less when we’re having more, and more when we’re having less. We worry about our relationship if the sex isn’t “above average.” We worry about our health, our sanity, our bodies and our worth if he simply rolls over. We use sex as a barometer for the status of our relationships when there couldn’t possibly be a less reliable, standardized or empirical indicator.

I, for one, do not believe that the caliber or frequency of the sex we’re having – or not having – is necessarily an accurate representation of what lies beneath. Now this is not to say that sex is not an important component of a relationship, because it is.  I fancy a good ole shag just as much as the next gal. What I am saying, though, is that thanks to soft core porn, (aka cable television), Megan Fox, and Cosmopolitan articles with titles like “Give Him the Best Sex of His Life” and “101 Sex Positions to Try Before You Die,” we have been made to believe that not only should we be having sex every night, but great sex every night, and this just isn’t realistic.

These fallacies also spawn a kind of sexual competition among men, women, and couples alike. “Do you guys have a swing? Where have you done it today? Have you tried the Reverse Amazon? What about the Jellyfish? The Bent Spoon?” It’s like losing your virginity automatically (and unwittingly) qualifies you for the sex Olympics and suddenly everybody’s keeping score, or being judged, or being stripped of their medals for performance enhancers. The whole world was turned upside down when Sting revealed that he has epic bouts of tantric sex with his wife on a regular basis, and women everywhere were making statements about “how lucky his wife is.” Now, I’m sorry, but I have no time to be having seven hour sex sessions; I have to eat an Italian sub, pass a bowel, and watch reality TV all before 1 p.m., so this just isn’t going to work. And quite frankly, I have no desire to play hide the canoli for four hundred and twenty minutes. Should I feel bad about that?

We are constantly bombarded with images of beautiful people having beautiful sex. And because of this they are happy…elated…energized! We are repeatedly told by “sexperts” that you need to spice things up in the bedroom to “keep the magic alive.” And when friends get together and talk the dirty (and not in the middle of the day at a local shabby chic diner for hours at a time like Sex and the City would lead you to believe), it’s almost always about a mind blowing orgasm, a rainy day marathon, or an inopportune and especially volatile queef.

But what about the average sex everyone is having? Why don’t we ever hear about that? Is consistent, moderate sex unacceptable?

I just do not believe that people all over the world are having non-stop, tear jerking, flesh gauging sex – and I think that’s OK. In fact, I think that’s natural and normal. Great sex takes work, and personally, I’m not always up for the challenge. I’ll admit it – sometimes it’s nice to just lie there, (and you’re lying if you say you’ve never felt the same). Yes, most of the time sex is an incredibly fulfilling, invigorating and enriching experience, and yes, most of the time I’m a team player. But after a ten hour day, four non-light beers, and two episodes of Intervention, I can guaran-f*cking-tee you I won’t be hanging from chandeliers or slipping into any tutus. AND I’M OKAY WITH THAT.

I recently had a friend come to me in tears, terrified that her relationship was over because “we are only having every sex other day.” Although my concerns had more to do with the condition of her vagina, I simply responded, “you’re totally fine.” This was not enough for her, however, because she had fallen victim to another “sex myth.”

Time and time again, we have heard that the quality of sex is directly related to how much you care about the person, but that just isn’t the case. I think that perfect strangers can have mind-blowing quickies, I think you can have mediocre love making sessions with your soul mate, I think perfectly happy couples can hit a dry spell, and that two people with nothing in common can come together (pun intended) in bed (or on couch, in backseat, hanging from flagpole, whatever your fancy).

Certainly it makes sense that the emotional connection you have with your partner will affect the sex you share with him (or her) – stronger feelings will produce a deeper sense of intimacy, inspiring more passionate bedroom business, and bringing poignancy and sentiment to an exchange that can otherwise be quite barren. We are also inclined to be more generous and attentive lovers when we respect and appreciate our bedmates. And finally, and perhaps most importantly, the closer we are with our partners, the more comfortable we feel talking about the sex, sharing our likes and dislikes, our haves and have nots, and exploring fantasies, fetishes and fears that would otherwise remain dormant (and unfulfilled). However, I think this theory has some loopholes, and that it often plateaus, and once again, that the sex simply is not always indicative of, or an accurate representation of the tenor and essence of a relationship.

Nothing comes easily in the world that lies within our bedposts, and I’m tired of being told that it does! I’m tired of doing kegel exercises while watching Oprah so I can really nail that Reverse Cowgirl. I’m tired of watching middle-aged women climax repeatedly on courtroom dramas. I’m tired of oysters being marketed as aphrodisiacs – they’re fookin’ delicious, and that’s why I’ll eat 100 of them. And most of all, I’m tired of everyone denying the fact that just maybe, when the moon is full, or when the tide is red, or when the goddam pigs go soaring past your bedroom window, that they too, from time to time, are having just average sex.



  1. Casey says:

    Love it! Great article. Meaningful articles are few and far between on this site, but this is a good one.

  2. B says:

    You took the words right out of my mouth…

  3. TheBritishGuy says:

    Hmm this is an interesting article.

    You women right some very blunt stuff on here it's hard not to respond in like.

    It is a tricky subject though. When you go to a movie you don't wanna go see something mediocre you want to see the best movie you can.

    It's kind of the same with sex. It's better to have it less often and make it count more than have it more often and making it boring.

    Casual sex can be a decent placeholder but it doesn't carry a lot of weight. On the other hand having great sex leaves a longer impression on you and leaves you wanting the next session a lot more.

    I'd take good sex once or twice a week over mediocre sex twice a day to be honest. Plus not all men can do quickies. Most guys will be done pretty quick but other guys struggle to cum quick. It's probably a problem that isn't a problem usually though lol.

  4. andreya says:

    i love this! average sex for the win!

  5. Darwin says:

    Sex is sex, it's always "good." However, it's always good to spice things up once in a while. Keep that list of ideas going.

  6. Sara says:

    In my sorority group in college here in Massachusetts, we have a sex game every month. All of us girls and all the guys ever involved are all over 18. The game is that 14 guys (a match for our number) will come into our sorority house. All 14 of us will be in a room and don’t see them at all.

    The guys all get naked and lay down on the floor, blindfolded. They give themselves erections and wait for us. We are blindfolded also so we can’t see anyone. All of us then go to where the guys are.

    The rest of the game has two stages: FIRST–All of us girls will straddle one guy at a time, riding him for about 30 seconds (before he can come) and then go on to the next guy. We do this for about 3 rounds where we have fucked every guy at least three times. This is sort of the teaser stage.

    SECONDLY: we get to the endurance stage for the guy. We do the same thing as before except we keep riding the man until he comes, giving ourselves immense pleasure as well, of course. The contest for the men is to see who can keep an erection sustainable for sex the longest. If any one of us can’t feel the penis or it seems limp, we say “you’re out” and he has to leave. The last man there is the winner.

    This game is only for responsible adults and when no alcohol is involved.

  7. […] Average Sex: Everybody’s Doing It – College Candy […]

  8. Fox says:

    ^Somehow I doubt this is true.

  9. […] Average Sex: Everybody’s Doing It – College Candy […]

  10. Darwin says:

    ^ I'm pretty sure I would see it in the news if that was true.

    "STDs Spread Like Wildfire on Massachusetts College Campus"

  11. Alice says:

    How does that work blindfolded? I imagine hilarious shenanigans like tripping on erections.

  12. Alice (another one) says:

    Somehow I think "Sara" is a man. One who has indulged in too much pornography since there's little else to do in his mother's basement :P

  13. tara says:

    I think "Sara" is actually a plant sent by the New World Order to help destroy the United States by promoting moral degeneration.

    Such plants are only the latest thing to occur. 9/11 was an inside job, the economic recession was engineered and the government is putting poison into the water supplies to dumb down the public. I've seen the alien ships with my own eyes-they do exist!

    BTW, don't take any flu shots, the government has put bio-weapons in them.

    Seriously, to get to a relevant topic here, I am a conservative person who deoesn't believe in casual sex. I really do think its something to be between one man and one woman for one life. Period.

  14. Margot-Montclair Sta says:

    This reminds me of the Sex and the City episode where Charlotte first has sex with Harry even though she considers him to be unattractive and it turns out to be the best sex she's ever had! I guess less attractive people try harder in bed.


  15. Heather says:

    Oh thank god. I needed to read this right now. My friend and I started seeing/hooking up with our current guys at the same time, and she's talking to me about her mind blowing love making sessions they have everyday. I feel really embarassed because we've had a bit of trouble getting things going, and it hasn't worked out quite as well in the bedroom as I would have hoped. When we talk, my friend gives me sympathy eyes, and I think it makes her doubt what I tell her about us as a couple on occassion. However, the best sex I ever had was with someone who I really wasn't close to at all, so I suppose I should know good sex doesn't equal intimacy.

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  18. […] possibly gathered during the break-in. Now, what could that be? Maybe it’s secrets about her sex life. Lilo looks good here overall, but she could stand to put on a few […]

  19. Megan says:

    This makes me feel a little easier about my current boyfriend. I love him to death and we get along so well. He's the man of my dreams because I've never been treated so wonderfully. But the sex isn't outta this world, infact i've had better but its still good sex. So i've thought about how our relationship would work if the sex is never the best but i know if this is meant to be is sex really going to tare us apart. I dont think so. We've got time to make it great sex so he's totally worth the average sex.

  20. Haha says:


  21. Keri says:

    Sara, you and your sorority sisters are either full of SHIT, OR have wild imaginations and spend WAY too much time playing Second Life OR are all a bunch of FUCKING WHORES! RESPONSIBLE ADULTS DONT FUCK MORE THAN ONE PERSON AT A TIME YOU IDIOT! OBVIOUSLY you arent very responsible, because that would be like almost 200 condoms! I highly doubt any one of your sorority sisters' daddies own stock in Trojan (oh never mind you wouldn't know what that means….forget I even said that). IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE for a man to come 14 times in a night? Ever hear of STD's? or is that soo hard for you to spell? I follow Tara! I mean no, I was not a virgin when I met my fiancee (I am also 9 years older than him….he's 25 and we dont even half 1/4 of the sexual partners COMBINED that you skanks claim to have on those nights) we BOTH agree that while it is a bit much to wait til you are married, you should be in a committed, long-term relation ship definitely or most likely leading to marriage…..or life commitment. God help all of you! YOur parent's money is being WELL SPENT!And yes, it is SO much better when you are with your soul-mate. I hated sex before I met him. NOT the case anymore.

  22. Keri says:

    I would like to add that i am NOT conservative like Tara, ( I am actually a diehard liberal) but my views on sex are fairly conservative. As are my fiancees (who is even more liberal than I if such a thing is possible)

  23. Tavia says:

    Great article! Average sex is so common these days, sometimes you don't even have the time or the mood for a better sex. :)

  24. Dirk Diggler says:

    Keri… I think it was already well established that the post in question was flamebait. But, uh, nice enthusiasm…

  25. […] Candy sings the praises of average sex to make you feel better about all the times you don’t do the reverse […]

  26. […] Average Sex: Everyone’s Doing It [CollegeCandy] […]

  27. elle says:

    this is a great article, because it dont make sex a too big a deal. like the author, i have friends who 'think' they are in a bad relationship just because their sex is no good, when everything else is going great (like work, family, friends). and because of the sex, it made them depress and i pity them for succumbing to magazines and 'sex myth' as the author so accurately put it. sex or making love, is vital in a relationship, but just should not make it such a big deal till it can tear apart everything that is going well. rejoice in average sex (at least there IS sex) and have a balance life!

  28. Genghis says:

    This is an interesting article. I always say, to each his or her own. Do whatever you like as long as you are not hurting

    yourself and others. I'm very liberal about sex. I don't care if you sniff each other out the first time you meet and have sex in public. Just don't get caught by the police and be

    thrown in the slammer. Be reminded also that sex is an act that we must all be most responsible to ourselves and to everybody else. Don't get STD's that will hurt/damage you and other people. And I'm talking about both mental and physical hurt/damage.

    I don't need to remind that having sex also produce babies. Unwanted pregnancies and babies that were born as a result of irresponsible sexual behavior create a more serious problem. It is now more about the helpless babies. And this is where I think I'll be tempted to pass judgement.

    My friends ask me how can I be very liberal about sex and at the same time be so serious about it. I don't think that I'm being contradictory about sex.

  29. Theresa says:

    fabulous article. best on I've read from this site so far.

  30. Mike says:

    “How does that work blindfolded? I imagine hilarious shenanigans like tripping on erections.”

    Best laugh I’ve had all day!

  31. Brad Wellen says:

    Great article, for more quality content check out

  32. some guy says:

    "But after a ten hour day, four non-light beers, and two episodes of Intervention, I can guaran-f*cking-tee you I won’t be hanging from chandeliers or slipping into any tutus. AND I’M OKAY WITH THAT."

    there is your problem: get rid of the 4 beers and that TV watching. Have some intimate time instead with your partner instead.

    My girlfriend and I have been working five 12 hour days plus one 8 hour day every week for the last 3 months (plus about a 2 hour commute round trip) and we still have or make time for great sex. We define great by our own standards.

    If beer and TV are more important to you that is fine. Next time someone asks if you have tried “the jellyfish position” tell them “No I haven’t, I drank 4 beers and watched 1-2 hours of TV instead.” Not everyone has the same priorities, needs, and desires, there is no shame in that.

    What works for you works for you, if it doesn’t measure up to some mythical yardstick who cares? All that matters is that you and your partner are satisfied.

  33. Brad Wellen says:

    Some advice that all ladies can use, why settle for average when extraordinary is just a few steps away:

  34. ashley says:

    indeed love and sex are one thing, u cant have one without d other, i found some really sexy articles on this aspect at this site-

  35. […] Sometimes, you just have to settle…even if that means having average sex. – College Candy […]

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