Eating Too Much? Make it Hurt!

With all the crazy diet fads, weight loss pills and general hysteria over how to shed extra weight, it’s no surprise when another completely ridiculous tactic comes out.

And I’m not talking “only eat bacon” ridiculous.

Allow me to introduce you to Dr. Nikolas Chugay’s mesh patch. When sewn onto the tongue it becomes so painful to eat, that you just can’t. That’s right this doctor from California who has a PhD in medicine is going to make it so painful for you to eat that you won’t have any other option but to stick to a liquid diet.

Ten women have already done it and – surprise, surprise – some have lost up to 20 pounds. (Really, if you don’t eat any solid food, you’ll lose weight? Who knew!)

Now if this guy has actually found women desperate enough to inflict physical pain on themselves to lose their muffin top, I think the world of medicine is ready to radically expand. Can you imagine how much money can be made inventing other completely unreasonable ways for women to keep their stomachs empty?

I have a couple of ideas already.

The Wisdom Tooth Replacement

Anyone who has had their wisdom teeth removed knows that it was the best you’ve looked in years. Sure, your cheeks swell up like your a chipmunk going into hibernation, but it’s too painful to open your mouth wider than a centimeter so you drop six pounds as you lie on your couch in agony. Sadly, though, you heal and are soon able to open your mouth wide enough to fit that hamburger. Why not just do a monthly removal/replacement procedure? That’ll keep you (painfully) thin.

The Flu Sauna

Having the flu is a socially acceptable excuse to be bulimic for a week. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you continue to infect yourself, you will continue to barf up any and all food that enters your stomach. So after your elliptical session, stop by the flu sauna, fully equipped with a virus-infected individual who will cough, snot and sneeze your way. You’ll be infected and unable to keep food down by tomorrow!

The Judgment Hand

That little voice inside our head (you know her, “don’t you dare eat that cookie, it’ll go straight to your big ass!”), isn’t that convincing. Sure she makes you feel guilty, but it rarely stops you from resisting the chips at a party or the pizza at the sorority meeting. Luckily for you, we can now give that little voice a powerful weapon. Doctors simply install a robotic arm on the side of your body, linking it to your brain waves. As even the thought of eating crosses your mind, the hand will whack you upside the head, knocking any craving out the door.