The Morning After: The Oriental Rug Incident


It was a couple days after Christmas and my sister and I were at my parents’ cherished retirement pad in Florida. I was hungover and menstruating, so basically my mouth and vagina tasted like cat piss and pennies. We decided mimosas were in order… until I had a sip, remembered single handedly slamming a bottle of bubbly the night before and replaced the champagne with vodka. My mother came home two hours later, and was not happy that A. I had broken into her emergency alcohol supply (this actually exists) and B. that we had decided to get drunk before noon rather than returning/exchanging Christmas presents for her like we said we would three days in a row now.

The two man party kept going until 7 p.m., eight hours later, and somehow we convinced our dad to drive us to a local bar to watch a highly anticipated NFL game. In exchange, we would let him have our McFlurries that were in the freezer. (Also, true.)

The first thing I did when I walked into the bar was buy a waitress’ entire tray of Jell-O shots. The following things also happened at the bar that night: My sister, 21, made out with a 60 year old bartender for a free bag of Jay’s potato chips, I face planted in front of a young family having dinner and the mother says to her daughter “do not talk to that woman”, and as my father pulls in to pick us up I have my pants around my ankles (definitely on the rag), pissing in the parking lot terrace and using the hands of two old geezers to balance myself. (Apparently I had called my dad to tell him he couldn’t eat my McFlurry afterall and spoke like “someone had stapled my tongue to my chin” therefore, he felt compelled to come get us. A**hole.). Meanwhile, my sister is sitting Indian style in a handicap parking spot across from a child who couldn’t be older than twelve, ripping menthol cigarettes and telling him about the Christmas presents she got.

My father got out of the car, collected his two homeless slut daughters, and took us home. Apparently I tried to make my own McFlurry when we get home and left two cartons of ice cream out overnight on my mother’s antique wooden table. I also must have opened a bag of chocolate chips and ran around the house doing the helicopter because they were EVERYWHERE, including in my seventeen year old dog’s food bowl, the next morning. Oops.

Anyway, I woke up around 1 p.m. the next day feeling not good (I literally think childbirth will feel like a fart after this hangover) and walked out into the living room area blissfully unaware of the storm that was awaiting me. I said good morning to my mother whose response came in the form of stopping in her tracks, pivoting in slow motion, and staring at me with a mix of utter disgust and genuine pity for a solid ten seconds. No words. My sister motioned me over to the couch with saucer eyes and whispered, “you went to the bathroom on mom’s oriental rug last night,”  as she choked, basically gagging, on stifled laughter. My jaw dropped and out of the corner of my eye, I see that the rug is indeed rolled up and standing against the porch door.

In the next few minutes, with jaw still dropped, I vacillate between feeling utterly horrified and thinking this is the funniest thing I have ever done. (Really mature.) However, there was a serious miscommunication between my sister and me, because while she was trying to tell me that I pissed on the carpet, I, for some sick reason, was under the impression I went #2. So, without further ado, I decided that my best approach is to pretend that I remembered what I did, that I was mortified and sickeningly remorseful. So I went up to my mother who was at the stove making lunch, tapped her on the shoulder and actually uttered this sentence:

“I am so sorry I pooped on your rug last night.”

She tossed the spatula onto the counter and started running around the house inspecting the rest of the rugs screaming, “where is the sh*t? WHERE IS YOUR SH*T? Jesus Christ, you’re like some kind of animal!” At this point I realized I had not in fact taken a dump on the floor. That was simulataneously the best and worst realization of that year.

“No mom, I didn’t. I thought that’s what happened but I guess I just peed.”

“Just peed, Suzy Just PEED? I walked out here in the middle of the night, and you are buck naked, barely standing, peeing all over my grandmother’s rug.” At this point she proceeded to show me what I looked like; my mother, a little waif in a taffeta pant suit, waddling back and forth, bending slightly backwards, with her hands bent up at her chin and her tongue hanging out like a drunk, dying stegoceras. “You were so incapable of standing up that you looked like a jumbo shrimp urinating all over my house.” At this point my sister is behind my mother literally suffocating herself with a pillow trying not to lose it. If it didn’t hurt so bad to laugh, I would have cracked. I am sure of it. But my heartbeat was in my eyes, my brain in my ass, and my vital organs barely keeping afloat somewhere in between. “And you just stared at me, Suzy, like a goddam freak. And your f’ing tampon string was dangling between your legs, like you were some kind of wind-up doll. What would you have done if your father had walked out and you’re standing there with no clothes on and a wet rope hanging from your vagina?” (Um, probably physically fought him for the rest of the ice cream, I’m thinking.) “It was disgusting, Suzy. You just stood there, laughing, pissing all over like it was your job. Like it was your goddam destiny. I HAD TO WIPE YOU, SUZY. I HAD TO WIPE MY GODDAMN TWENTY-TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.”

And with that comment, my sister lost it and the only thing that I could muster was “at least I didn’t poop.” Disgusted, my mother stormed into her bedroom and slammed the door. It was only after the smell of burning garlic took over the house that my sister and I realized we needed to stop cackling in order to prevent the house from burning down. The odor must have hit my mother at the same exact time, because she came out, saw my sister and I frantically tossing water all over the kitchen, and started laughing – hard. We made amends, and decided it was almost 2 p.m. and therefore time to hit the bottle. We were on vacation, after all, and in some twisted way, celebrating the fact that I hadn’t scattered my feces all over the house seemed right.



    1. Jodie says:

      You have a serious problem.

    2. Sara says:


      Is that supposed to be funny? That's just terrible.

    3. Casey says:

      and I just wanted to add, that this is one of the most disturbing, not to mention disgusting, things I have ever read. It's right up there with "A Child Called It" and "Mommy Dearest".

    4. Lauren - University says:

      I just LOLed. A Lot.

    5. Jamie says:

      i think its helarious. wrong. but helarious.

      everyone's had a drunken night that deserves a trip to hell. but we just use the excuse we were drunk and it works.

      thanks for making me laugh at my stupid drunken evening last night. suddenly my evening doesnt seem that stupid [i mean this nicely:) ]


    6. april says:

      omg i could not stop laughing and i was reading this at work. the wind-up doll metaphor cracked me up so bad!!!! lol. great story. my asian mother would've killed me, lucky you.

    7. Also Jess says:

      lmao you do have a problem. good story

    8. Katja says:

      I agree with Jodie. And this the worst "Morning After" that I've seen on this site so far.

    9. Eleanor says:

      I couldn't care less about this story, but I simply had to reply to Sarah. Seriously, Sarah, you had to pull the grammar thing? That is the most immature of arguments and definitely drags down the conversation. So a grammar mistake is supposed to completely make us disregard an argument? Too many people throw it out there for some small error and metaphorically flounce away like they've won.

      I don't quite get the child abuse reference, but maybe she just found it as disturbing as those stories. I don't always agree with Casey's views, but I think she usually puts forward good arguments and contributes to a good debate here at college candy.

      Anyway, I drink a lot and do stupid things, but this is pretty bad – I would be very worried about my drinking habits if it happened to me. This, I think, is what Casey is worried about (notice she never actually said that the poster was a terrible person, just that she was disturbed). And frankly, it makes sense. A lot of stories are posted up here just as amusements, like it was nothing. The peeing doesn't bother me as much (although I would be bothered if it was my life, since ruining an oriental carpet is a lot of money down the drain). What bothers me is the making out with the bartender and the having homeless guys help you. Not because I disapprove of kissing, but because it is dangerous. What if those guys took advantage of you? It is incredibly dangerous to get so drunk that you need (and accept!) a random man's help to go to the bathroom.

      This is a funny story, but if it happened to me I would be worried that sometime in the future I would do something that wouldn't end as well.

    10. daisy says:

      I agree – hilarious!

      People should get off their pedestals and high horses. At least this one isn't about some girl stupidly having sex with a guy who's name she doesn't even know and forgetting to use a condom. Not getting on my pedestal, but who knew you'd be getting so upset about an article about urine but not about sex?!

    11. Jodie says:

      Um, ever heard of alcohol poisoning? It's not just the random acts of sex and complete stupidity that get's us CC readers in a tizzy. This is serious shit, people need to smarten up.

    12. Jodie says:

      P.S. I think I have come to the conclusion that the Morning After Recap is the Tucker Max of college candy.

    13. Casey says:

      For humanities sake, I hope this story isn’t true.

    14. Casey says:

      Sarah, why is everyone so up in arms about me posting so much? Why should anyone else care how much I post (just ignore them, you don't have to read or respond to my posts) or, if you want, just ignore the "Casey" at the top and imagine it's a different person posting every time, really, who cares? Don't waste your time concerning yourself with how much other people post on an internet forum. And I think you'd know by now (from all my many posts) that I don't usually have grammatical errors. So, yeah, not sure why you're making an issue out of that. And to clarify, I wasn't equating this story to the abuse in those two books, but rather the shocking encounters that each story holds. To me, this story was as shocking to read as those two, despite the fact that there was no child abuse in this one.

      And thank you Eleanor for sticking up for me. It's appreciated.

    15. Melissa says:

      Wow, there must be a problem if you feel that it's ok to get ripped while you are at home, thinking that there would be no consequences. I have only been drunk in front of my parents ONCE, and the embarrassment has made it so that I'll never do it again! Another thing – she thinks it's funny when her parents are angry afterwards??? Some people just never mature . . .

    16. Jaleesa says:

      This is not really funny. It's actually kind of pitiful.

    17. Sarah says:

      Hilarious! I cried from laughing so hard, especially during the part about your sister sitting in the parking lot, hahaha.

      A lot of people seem to be very critical and judgmental. Everyone has that one night that they lose control- atleast the person posting this turned it into a funny experience. Don’t assume that this article means she’s a “terrible” person.

      Casey, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an article without you posting to it. PS- it’s ‘humanity’s’ and she wasn’t abused by her mom, so I’m not following the child-abuse references.

    18. Monica says:

      There is def. a split between the commenters! I personally thought that this was hysterical! I almost peed myself laughing!

    19. Erika says:

      loll this is hillarious& now all of the utterly mortifying things I have managed to do in my blacked out stupors seem pretty harmless only because my mother was never anywhere near by.

    20. Adriane says:

      Best story ever on the morning after! I laughed so hard i could hardly finish reading. Its suppose to be story about the horrible crap some of us have done when we were to wasted to remember anything. Stop being so serious. I enjoyed it.

    21. Nina says:

      If this happened to me I wouldn't blog about it.

    22. emily says:

      i thought this was hysterical and i think people should just chill out! jesus!

    23. Oli says:

      This should be a wake up call.

      Not only might you actually poop on the rug next time (how nasty would that be!)
      but what about yo’ Liver! That thing will take awesome care of you if take care of it. :- 3′

      love your liver, you wild anonymous woman!

    24. Ellie says:

      This was disgusting. Watch your alcohol intake. I honestly can't believe people drink so much that this stuff happens. It really wasn't funny at all, just a bunch of dangerous situations. It was probably a really good thing your father picked you up when he did.

    25. Coleen says:

      I thought this story was hilarious, but if it were me, I would have checked myself into rehab by now.

    26. […] Need a hook? If you enjoy reading about other people’s drunken idiocies, this column is for you. […]

    27. k says:

      Sooooooooo Funny! This made me laugh so hard!

    28. Gwenivere says:

      It made me laugh so hard that I actually had tears streaming down my face. Yet it was also disturbing at the same time. The hilariousness of it far outweighs the disturbing factor though. I don't know why everyone is freaking out over this. She was merely telling us a story so horrible that when we think about all that bad shit that we have done, it doesn't even come close to the atrocity that she created. Now if we do something stupid, we can add the phrase "Well at least I didn't piss on my Mom's oriental rug." It doesn't make what we do any less embarrassing, but at least it might give some comic relief to the situation.

    29. Dazey says:

      You have a problem – no questions about it. Good one calling your dad an A.hole by the way …because he wanted to protect his shitfaced daughters, go him for actually giving a crap about you guys

    30. Hilary says:

      You are HILARIOUS! We've all done some stupid shit while we were drunk. Everyone bitching has either never gotten drunk enough to do something like this, or they're lying to themselves and pretending their own embarrasing stories never really happened.

    31. Jessica says:

      Ohmygosh! Sooo funny.

      Chill people. Just sayin'. It's a freaking story, just be glad it wasn't you. I'd be mortified if it were me, but we've all had those nights where we get a little too tanked and just go crazy.


    32. jeff says:

      why in gods name do you still drink you have a major problem

    33. Emily says:

      That was the funniest thing I've read all day. I'm literally crying with laughter, which isn't good cause I'm at work. You sound like an awesome drinking buddy.

    34. Haz says:

      i agree with emily! Except i was in a lecture and got some very odd looks!

      but for most of u others-come on dont we all have at least one seriously screwed up drunk story?? i know i def have!

    35. jeremy says:

      wow, that's messed up. I can't believe that's even a true story.

    36. Alexis says:

      This is absolutely fantastic, like, Tucker Max worthy.

    37. michelle says:

      i cannot stpo laughing!! i keep trying but a huge gaffaw always escapes

    38. Darwin - New York Un says:

      Uh wow. No offense, but I feel bad for your 'rents.

    39. CoCo says:



    40. Abby says:

      the holidays are a special time of the year for dysfunctional families

    41. Amelia says:

      If you're hiding vodka bottles around the house and lying about your drinking habits, then you have a problem. This, this is hilarious. Just like, wear a nappy next time?

    42. Kate says:

      Girl, you need to build up some self-esteem and take pride in yourself, you shouldn't do things like this that make you look foolish and disrespect yourself. You're of more value than this!

    43. Samantha says:

      I laughed out loud so much during this and these lame comments are a major buzzkill.

    44. daisy says:

      lmao hahahahaha i couldnt stop laughing atfer like the 4th paragraph…..truly hilarious. haha. sounds like you make up with your mom just as i do…a good laugh.

    45. Cat says:

      LOL. Funniest thing I've read on this site so far!!! Anyone who doesn't think so is seriously way too uptight!!

    46. Stormy says:

      It is not funny because ultimately nothing was learned. One incident after another of stupid acts caused by drunken behavior then when the story's climax is reached- what happens? The fool talks about going out to have a drink.

      So as funny as this story might appear it is not. It reeks of irresponsibility, lack of respect for others and self and if that is a buzz kill for some–tough $-Hi-T.

    47. Francisco says:

      Time,How do we find the TIME to plan when everyone is doing more for less? I teach my 3 slescas then co teach 4 other slescas. I need time to plan with my co-teachers I walk with one teacher during her 15 minute lunch duty, stop in when I have a conference (which is not often due to ARD meetings and other Sp Ed obligations ) stay after school for shared planning time (when other meetings do not interfere) come early before class and even meet during lunch, when I am not doing tutorials with students or other meetings. There seems to a shortage of time, all around any ideas? And I have very small slescas, nothing the load like my co teachers have.Oh and we text and email ideas and lesson plans.

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