What Is Closure, Anyway?

September 28, 2009 4:00 pm     Posted in Relationships  Kim - Stanford g+ page

break_up_adviceClosure. What does that term actually mean?


By Kim

From conversations with my girl friends, I’ve deduced that “closure” is when you can finally move on from a failed relationship. My friends have described it as the feeling you get once you can finally put the relationship behind you and say goodbye to an ex for good.

But how do we get there? When does that come? And how do we know? Does closure really mean we have to say goodbye to move on? Does it imply that women must kick someone out of their lives to move on with their own?

Well if so, I’m screwed.

My ex-boyfriend and I have been broken up for years and he is still a sporadic fixture in my life. I met him in elementary school, fell in love with him when I was 16, and now I’m 21 and he is still around. He’s faded into the background a bit, but he’s most definitely still in the picture.

And despite having him around, I am honestly, 100% over him. After a few years of messy friendship and the occasionally stupid hook-up, I finally got over it (hallelujah!) and moved on. I slowly but surely pulled myself together and was happy being single and on my own. After that, I dated and even fell in love again.

However, according to the unwritten Laws of Closure, I am not over him because he is still in my life. My friends are constantly worrying that he’s just trying to get me back and that I need to be rid of him to be truly over him, but that doesn’t seem right or fair to me.

I mean, come on, ladies – can’t we be strong enough to move on from a past relationship without disregarding the ex?

After all, we all learn from every relationship, good or bad, and in some ways are changed by it. It is impossible to be so open with and connected to someone without it altering us. Should we dismiss someone who helps shape who we become? And just because a relationship doesn’t work out, does that mean that no relationship with that person can? Being a boyfriend is a lot different than being a friend; why can’t we get closure and still hold onto the friend?

I’m sure that it’s a whole lot easier to pick up the pieces and move on after a break up without the other person around, but I am proof that it’s possible to move on and have your closure without banishing your ex to the island of failed relationships.

What do you think? What does it take to get a little closure around here?

8 Comments on "What Is Closure, Anyway?"

  1. Casey says:
    Mon, 28th Sep 200912:15 pm 

    Well, I've got two stories about this, but I think I've surpassed my posting quota for the week.

    I will say this though, closure doesn't mean that you have to say "good bye" to the person. And not every relationship needs formal closure. If both you and the ex can accept the fact that it wasn't meant to be between the two of you and get on with your lives with or without the other, then you don't need closure, the acceptance is your "closure". You only need closure if one person isn't over the other and one needs to eliminate the other from their life in order to move on. Then you talk about the relationship and what went wrong, say your goodbyes, and move on.

    To me, it doesn't sound like you need any closure, and your friends need to stop bringing needless drama into your life.

  2. collegethriving says:
    Mon, 28th Sep 200912:22 pm 

    Casey, commentors on here are obnoxious. I want to hear your stories so just post them! If someone doesnt want to hear, them they don't have to read your comments. You always have great insight

  3. tissue says:
    Mon, 28th Sep 200912:36 pm 

    I totally know what you mean! My friends are always trying to figure out why I'm still such good friends with my ex. They've been telling me to not talk to him or hang out with him…and they try to tell him to stay away. It is slightly annoying when they try to do that.

    I'm so glad I'm not the only person that still remain friends with their ex!

  4. beth says:
    Mon, 28th Sep 20095:24 pm 

    UGH! GIRL! I think that it's def. possible. But I have the same situation as you. I fell totally in love with him when I was 16(1m 19 now). But we broke up about a year ago.. But I still love him more than anything in the world. He just got a new girlfriends. Ive tried getting over him, but honestly it doesn't work. You should share you secret ;) . But I'm glad you got over him and remained friends. That is what I aspire to do. Someday.

  5. Cait says:
    Mon, 28th Sep 20095:28 pm 

    Well, I personally think of closure as knowing why the relationship ended, realizing it is for the better, and finally starting to move on personally. I've been in love twice, and I could never have my most recent ex in my life again, too many things happened, and even though I know we don't belong together, he is one of those people that I could fall back in love with easily, but it's just not the right person for me. But, I my ex from high school is one of my best friends, it's difficult sometimes because he doesn't care to hide the fact that he is still in love with me, but he knows nothing is going to happen with us again. So I think as long as you know how YOU feel, it shouldn't matter, maybe he is trying to get you back, but if you're over him, and don't want to be with him again, then that's your choice, and he most likely won't be able to get you back anyway. I say more power to you!

  6. Keri says:
    Tue, 29th Sep 20091:59 am 

    I'm still working towards closure and this guy is completely out of my life. Why does it have to be so hard to get over someone? He shattered my heart, but I still love him. Ugh

  7. nbr says:
    Wed, 30th Sep 20099:53 pm 

    for the sake of future boyfriends, stop being a slut and get rid of your ex. nothing i hate more than a girl who still holds onto ex-lovers.

  8. DMAC says:
    Thu, 14th Oct 201011:37 pm 

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