Tuffy Luv Hates Female Cheaters Too

September 29, 2009     Posted in Advice, Relationships

female cheater copyQuestion for Tuffaleh?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for the answers of your dreams. Or, perhaps, public humiliation. It depends.

18

By Sara

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I moved to the US from Africa in Spring 2006 for college. I had a boyfriend when I moved and we had been dating for over a year by then.We stayed in contact everyday via email, phone, facebook, video messaging and I always went back at least twice every year and spent about 2 weeks with him each time. Everything was fine until summer ’07 came around and I started to have friends and go out more. I met this guy that reminded me so much of my boyfriend (talk,act and even smelt alike). We started getting pretty close until he found out I had a boyfriend. We kinda drifted apart after that but every time we saw each other (like at a party) sparks start to fly again.

I finally got intimate with him 1 year after we met, but stopped seeing him after my boyfriend found out 2 weeks later (we are continents apart and he still found out). My boyfriend broke up with me and it took months of begging him over the phone and a $2,000 airplane ticket to get him back. I was genuinely sorry and I stopped all contact with the other guy. But then I go home this summer and we start to run into each other again. It started off with us locking eyes across the room to little flirts until I found myself in his bed again.

My boyfriend will not find out this time because I’m being EXTRA careful but I feel horrible cuz I have feelings for this other dude and it doesn’t help that I know he likes me too. I’m losing my mind because I don’t wanna loose my man but a part of me wants to keep holding on to the other guy. Summer is coming to an end but I know he’s gonna remain on my mind even after I return to school. What should I do?I’m in desperate need of advice.

I love my boyfriend so leaving him is not an option but how do I love him and really, really like someone else at the same time?

–Confused

Dear Confused,

Actually, believe it or not, I’m not going to tell you to forget this guy. I’m going to tell you to forget your boyfriend.

First of all, I wanna say this: You’re doing years of long distance, and that’s hard. I do, however, think that it’s possible (as evidenced by many, many couples throughout history) if both people are really devoted. Unfortunately, you’re not.

Yes, you love your boyfriend. I believe you. But you cheated on him, girl! You cheated on him in two separate chunks!! The first time you only stopped because he caught you, and then you started up AGAIN and are taking precautions not to get caught! This is some seriously bad karma. You better cut that shiz out.

Sorry, honey. I have no pity for you. No one is forcing you to cheat. You know it’s unacceptable to the man you love and that he’d be horribly hurt if he found out, but you continue to do it. That’s some really sick love you got going there.

You are not exempt from being a decent human being just because you’re a girl.

So, here’s my advice:

Tell the boyfriend you’ve been sleeping with someone else. Give him the option to make it an open relationship (because, hey, then you get exactly what you want anyway). He’s probably going to choose to end it, but at least you’ll have stopped lying to him (and cheating on him, and humiliating him, and using him). When that’s all done, you can keep sleeping with this other guy or not–up to you. But I would really recommend that, if you love someone, you don’t treat them like this. Lying to strangers is screwed up; lying to someone you love is unforgivable.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

18 Comments on "Tuffy Luv Hates Female Cheaters Too"

  1. M says:
    Tue, 29th Sep 20098:27 am 

    woww i am going through pretty much the same situiation! i dont know what to do.

  2. Allison says:
    Tue, 29th Sep 20099:29 am 

    If you can do something as disrespectful as cheating on your boyfriend, its time to break up with him. I broke up with my boyfriend almost immediately after I cheated on him because I know if we were really destined to be together, I wouldn't have done something like that.

  3. Casey says:
    Tue, 29th Sep 20099:33 am 

    First of all, if you're cheating on someone you DON'T love them. You are probably very attached to them because you've been together for so long, but that's not the same as love.

    Second, you can't have your cake and eat it too. I can't express how wrong it is to cheat on someone. I'm assuming you have never been cheated on (I can assure you, it is the most miserable feeling in the world) Try and put yourself in your boyfriend shoes, knowing that you are causing him one of the worst emotional pains that humans can experience. Does that sound like you love him? You're being selfish, you're being greedy, and you're being insensitive. It doesn't sound like you're mature enough for a relationship at all. Maybe you should break it off with both guys, figure yourself out, grow up a little, and then try and start fresh once you know what you want.

    Let me refer you to this poem, "On Her Loving Two Equally" by Aphra Behn. It's the same situation you're going through.

  4. Disgusted says:
    Tue, 29th Sep 20099:48 am 

    Wow, this is the sort of thing that makes me completely lose all faith in dating and relationships.

  5. Erich says:
    Tue, 29th Sep 20099:54 am 

    Instead of cheating and then breaking up, why not just some some f'n respect and tell em you dont want to be with em anymore and then date others. I don't see what the problem is. It's called morals and values, if you are cheating you have no respect for that other person and no regard for thier feelings or anyone else's. Not to mention you're prob a slut.

  6. naomi says:
    Tue, 29th Sep 20091:14 pm 

    First of all, I don't think what that girl did was the worst thing in the world. *(and that's coming from someone who has never cheated, but has been cheated on. I know, it hurts!) I also don't think this sticky situation is rare, unfortunately…

    Great advice, Tuffy!!

  7. Jenna says:
    Tue, 29th Sep 20092:16 pm 

    I 100% agree with Casey. I can't believe the primary concern here is being extra careful so he doesn't find out. That means not only did Confused cheat on her boyfriend, she actively deceived him. This relationship lacks trust, and without trust, there is no love and no relationship.

    And just because this situation isn't rare doesn't make it right. Cheating it never ok; any attempts to justify it are really only justifications for why you should get out of the relationship, not for why you should stab someone in the heart.

  8. M says:
    Tue, 29th Sep 20094:15 pm 

    CASEY, i think youre wrong.im deeply in love with my boyfriend, however we are a six hour plane ride away so its really hard. so yes i did cheat on him,l i feel awful about it but i dont love him any less

  9. Star says:
    Tue, 29th Sep 20095:10 pm 

    Whether or not you love him, you cheated and you don't deserve him. It doesn't matter if you're sorry or even if he's your soul mate. You cheated, you have to deal with the consequences. Otherwise you'll think "Oh hey, I can keep cheating on him. Why should I quit? I can always get him back."

    Yes you may have feelings for both guys but you don't deserve them both and if it were the boyfriend cheating on you I bet you would flip out and dumb his ass. Until you grow up, you aren't capable of loving anyone.

  10. Casey says:
    Tue, 29th Sep 20095:40 pm 

    M, if you truly loved him you wouldn't cheat on him (repetitively, I might add). The 6 hour plane ride shouldn't make a difference if you love him. If you love someone then you're honest and faithful. You sweetie, are selfish, and dishonest, and instead of trying to do the right thing, you're asking for advice on the best way to continue lying to person you supposedly love.

    Jenna's right, trust is the most crucial part of a relationship. You broke your boyfriends trust the moment you went after another guy, and continue to beat his trust into the ground by trying to find ways to conceal your relationship with this other guy.

    I'll let you in on a little secret, the other guy, the one you're cheating on your boyfriend with, he most likely doesn't trust you either. Even though he's helping you cheat, I have seen it time and time again, the girl leaves her boyfriend for "the other man" only to end up with another relationship with trust issues. The "other guy" already knows you're a liar, and a cheater, since he helped you do it, if you turn to him, he's likely not going to trust you either.

    Long distance relationships can work, as long as one person doesn't cheat. You obviously have no willpower, you succumb to your desires without thinking about who you're hurting, and that is the definition of the word selfish.

    What you're doing is wrong, straight up. There is no other answer. You don't deserve one guy with actions like those, let alone two.

    And if you were truly sorry, you wouldn't be trying to find way to "hide it better this time around" If you did still truly love your boyfriend and you are truly sorry, instead of continuing with the same behavior, you would have forgotten that other guy, apologized immensely to your boyfriend and be trying to find ways to regain his trust, instead of doing the exact opposite.

  11. M says:
    Wed, 30th Sep 20096:55 am 

    Actualy im not asking for advice at all. im just saying your wrong. and no "sweetie" i have no done it repetitvely, so i dont know where you got that from. i think your confusing me with the author of the article. Cause i never said any of that. The only thing i said was that i dont love him any less by cheating on him. And your not me so you cant tell me that thats not true

  12. Casey says:
    Wed, 30th Sep 20097:20 am 

    Oh excuse me, considering I never initiated a conversation with you, and you told me I was "wrong" about my post, I assumed you were the author. So what are you telling me I'm wrong about if I never said anything to you?

    Don't get mad at me when you're responding to something that wasn't even directed at you, without even making it clear who you are.

    And BTW I don't know your situation, but you don't cheat on someone you "love". Plain and simple.

  13. jeremy says:
    Thu, 1st Oct 20095:59 pm 

    Wow, M. You are a complete moron. You should get checked for Trisomy 21. That is all I have time for at the moment. Count yourself lucky.

  14. Africa says:
    Sun, 4th Oct 20092:55 pm 

    Malin you are a fucking retard..and its a damn shame that people like you still exist in the world…

    How ignorant and immature could your dumb ass fucking be??..If you were smart enough you would know that theres a world outside your freaking home…This website is meant for college students i but your ass never even graduated highschool…Get a life and stop being a fucking illitrate..

  15. Mike says:
    Mon, 5th Oct 20098:27 pm 

    This poster is an idiot. What kind of person would cheat?! If you are the person to do such a thing I believe you don't deserve love. I hope the boyfriend that you cheated on moves forward and finds someone that truly loves him so he can be happy. As for you I hope you get what you deserve.

    Bitch

  16. M says:
    Wed, 7th Oct 20096:23 pm 

    sometimes people dont cheat just to get ass, its a lot more complicated than that. and dont think that people that cheat dont feel bad about it. i know cheating is an awful thing and i feel go guilty i realized that i really need to focus on my relationship with my boyfriend, everyone is wayy to judemental

  17. Africa says:
    Fri, 9th Oct 20096:37 am 

    M, i totally agree with you… People need to stop being so judgemental..Cheating is never ok but there are certain situations that may surround it…

    Just because one cheats that doesnt mean you dont love ur partner,,,truth is the problem is you,, cos you dont love yourself..if you did and is completely inlove and sertisfied with yourself then you will be sertisfied with your relationship and wouldnt need some1 else to feel the void LDR can leave..

  18. Leia says:
    Wed, 22nd Sep 20108:29 am 

    I think when you really look at it, the actions aren't quite as bad as the repetition of it.Cheating is wrong, we all agree. The situations may be different to make it more or less cruel, but when you get to the bottom of things, you're cheating your partner, your cheating your fling, and your cheating yourself. But people make mistakes. It's whether we learn from those mistakes that justifies the action, and in this case it doesn't.

    For me, I'm more upset about the fact that after this girl begged for her boyfriend back, even flew back to him to get him back, and after he takes her back, she cheats on him again. Breaking an already fragile trust like that is dangerous, and no matter how careful she is this time, he'll find out anyway because she did it a first time. I sympathize with people who learn from their mistakes. I have no sympathy for this girl

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